A
female
age
51-59,
*e0769
writes:I cant handle the way I am so consumed with worrying about other women and the way they look. Worrying what my boyfriend thinks when he sees them, or worrying if he will notice them. This goes for women on the street, in stores, anywhere we go. I find myself scoping places we go out to. I find that I have less stress/anxiety when the coast is clear. Or stressed and consumed with worrying if he will be watching them or sneaking peaks.. I try to avoid places like beach, malls etc. with him. I get mad when shows, commercials, movies etc. go overboard on showing perfect fake women. Feel I cannot compare or compete..wonder what goes through boyfriends mind when he sees them?He used to in the beginning of our dating say things like Mmmmm Beyonce..or Mmmmm Hayden Panitiere. I hate how men fantasize over these faked up women and hate how women are made to feel while watching movies etc. with your man. Last year went to drive in and Transformers 3..all thru movie had to sit and listen to guys beside us go on about how hot girl in it was..all I could do was wonder is my boyfriend thinking the same while sitting there beside me?? I cannot compete with that A few times I saw that he had looked at local papers "sunshine" girl. A daily picture in the paper or online of a 20 or under half dressed girl. (why does the media and society fuel womens/girls needs for such attention???) And why is it considered ok for men to look at this and seek it out? When he is with someone? It does not make us feel too good. I have told him how this makes me feel and he says he doesnt look anymore..I have checked his phones history a couple of times in the past and feel bad doing this, so far so good unless he deletes it...hate doing this but cant help it. I am turning 43 in July..am told I am pretty/beautiful and look about 30. I feel huge because when I see pictures of myself I do not look like I picture myself or want to. I just dont see what Im told. I am about 5'9" and about 160 lbs (gained about 20 lbs since being with him..he says he cant see it and tells me that I am as beautiful as ever..am told I am not fat by friends..would love for someone to say you are about as big as..and actually show me someone comparable to my actual size. I do not see what others see and would like to know if my perception is wrong or what. I check often to see what he may be looking at on msn etc..anything like that..it seems to be all about bikini body this bikini body that...girls of this or that..hate it! Some days are worse than others and I get depressed over this all...other days I'm better. Summer is here now and hating myself again because no way Im going to beach..and dread all the girls in skimpy clothes everywhere. Why am I like this?? I have always had a bit of a jealous streak..but not as bad as with my boyfriend now..It has gotten worse the past 2 1/2 years...have been with him 3 and a bit years now. We cant watch certain movies or shows. He knows to watch what we watch because of how I get. I have a problem with how women are portrayed in media, movies, tv shows, commercials..it angers me and wish so much that changes would be made. Any advice????? I cant stand beng like this anymore!
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female
reader, 1sunshine  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL... I go through feeling like you do everyday. I DO look at myself in the mirior and KNOW that I am attractive. My boyfriend tells me that too. Yeah, looking through mags and watching tv/movies I do feel terrible and never feel prettier or sexy enough.
I saw a post somewhere saying that the average woman ( not on tv or anything) should actually compair themselves to the people around them such as neighbors and just people in the local stores. That's the "norm" not tv, where most women have breast implants, botox, having professionals put their makeup on and having their hair perfectly.lookat Carmen Diaz for example. Her facial complexion is terrible!! I saw normal pics. of her on mags that are real and she looks so badly! On the cover of one of my magazine loks sooo diferently! Photoshopped...
Believe me, guys do not compair those celebs. ect. to actually having a true love in their life. Someone with a personallity and loves them back. Without us?? They would crumble apart!! They are just normal people like you and me. But for one thing? They tend to age quicker than we do because of the media pressures and are always watched lol!! What a life... Look at Heidi klum? Compair her from 10 years ago and look at how she aged as of now...
Yep, my boyfriend says stupid things sometimes ( just on tv though.) She's hot, ect... I told him kindly to shut the fuck up because it makes me feel badly and tried to explain to him that I just don't like that talk around me, its disrespectful and he was SO CONFUESED!! HAHA! ??? His intentions weren't to hurt me in any shape or form. He wrapped his arms around me the whole time I was talking, he really did care.
So, stop looking for him to do that and just enjoy being with him. I have been trying to do that just for my own peace of mind and * KNOW * that you are awesome inside & out. ;)
A
female
reader, Me0769 +, writes (27 June 2012):
Me0769 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I want to thank everyone who has responded so far.This may sound strange but it is a little comforting to know that I am not the only one who see's this or feels this way. Most others say I am wrong or Im the one with the problem. I know it is not healthy to always feel this way. And I actually went out with him to the local Mall last night and did quite well. But like its been said... some day are worse than others. Long way from beach which I cannot really ever see myself ever going to again. I will most definately check out all web sites reccomended.Thanks!
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A
female
reader, 057  +, writes (27 June 2012):
Personally, Ive made the choice. I wont watch movies with scantily clad women in them. I showed my boyfriend the statistics on how women are portrayed in the media (check out a documentary called "MissRepresentation" if you can find it, itll really help to know youre not the only one whos affected by this, or google the Geena Davis Institute) & my boyfriend also agrees not to endorse these films. Sometimes he gets annoyed because theres a movie he really wants to watch but Ill refuse it because I know its full of cleavage & unrealistic women (I check for this at commonsensemedia.org which will tell you the sex/nudity ratings for each movie).
I dont believe its your bad self esteem that causes this pain, its really being surrounded by unrealistic perfection constantly. Men arent as effected because they dont have the same pressure (at all!) & as much as my boyfriends sympathetic, he'll never truely understand how hard it is because hes never lived with it.
Its a culture we live in where as females we're taught to value our looks over all else. It creates an enormous pressure when really, its not at all the most important.
He didnt stay with you for 3 years because of your looks, but because of your personality. And if he ever breaks up with you it wont be for your looks, either.
I made the decision to not watch these movies & shows, to not watch tv advertisements, to not read magazines, to avoid all 'celebrity' type pictures on the internet - its not part of my life anymore, (I suppose youd call it a boycott, like a vegetarian refuses meat), it made me feel better & it may work for you too.
Of course when Im walking down the street sometimes & Im confronted by a billboard ad with photoshopped bikini women, it makes me very mad! I spent hours venting about it & my boyfriend gets very bored with me, but its what Im passionate about.
There are loads of movements on the internet about women that want change. Do a bit of research & see how you can make a difference. Sorta feeling like they wasted their time being feminists in the 70's & burning their bras, because now we're in push-up bras instead & thats kinda going backwards, huh.
Check 'Upworthy' 'Geena Davis Institute' 'MissRepresentation' & 'I am that girl' on facebook. Really good sites with loads of people tackling the same problems!
Good luck, let us know how you go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): You should not be very possesive of your b/f always that makes you to feel that way, you cannot control that way to your b/f,even if you control him, he may do it, so world is like that, take it easy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): Hi,
I was flicking through this tonight& your post caught my eye.
Unfortunately I don't have a solution to your problem BUT I do know how you feel..
I've never been confident or feel beautiful (even though many people say I'm attractive, I don't believe them..).I'm 29& a size 10 uk- this doesn't make me fat but I feel it sometimes.
I have been with my fiancé for 7 years& at the start of our relationship everything was fine... I wasn't jealous etc... Then something in me switched... I don't know when or why but I didn't feel good enough for him, I started looking closely at his female friends& thinking how much better looking they are than me& why wasn't he with them instead of me??
The worse time however as at the beach last year... Typically I got my period so I was feeling fat& spotty & I noticed he kept looking at skinnier prettier girls.. This made me feel so sick so I made my excuses& spent the last few days in my holiday in the hotel crying i lied saying i had bad period pains. I was so upset I nearly ended our relationship... This has somewhat scarred me & i have vowed NEVER to go to a beach again.
If there's a film on at he cinema I have to see which actresses are in it& if they are really attractive I won't go watch it with him. If we go shopping & the shop assistant is attractive I make excuses& leave... I know I can go on like this& like you I have good & bad days..
I'm really sorry I can't help you- I'm hoping someone can help me too but I'm glad I'm not the only one with these issues....
I can suggest something that might make you feel better- go on the Internet& google celebs with no make up& see how rubbish they really look without an army of beauticians& hairdressers.... Then you should also think that if he wasn't attracted to you he wouldn't be with you (I tell myself this all the time).
I hope things work out for you& good luck xx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Could be way off but seems you have massively low self esteem and you are living in fear.
Sometimes this sort of reaction can be kicked off by an unkind comment or difficult circumstance and that sets the person on a path which is all consuming.
Perhaps in your past there was something that made you see yourself as 'not good enough' and it's now become your life focus and is fuelling your decisions and reactions.
I agree that women are portrayed negatively (when were they ever not!!)...at least we've moved on from the days of the bible where women were just simply branded fallen women, or let out entirely.
I think it's women themselves that perpetuate these ideals (that arn't really so ideal) and force themselves away from what is normal into a world of fake, hair, fake boobs, fake tans, fake eyelashes etc...
We beat ourselves over the head with these unrealistic goals which are supported and upheld by the media and popular culture...men don't even really come into it.
I am not sure what you can do!...some sort of therapy, trying to reduce your anxiety by bringing you back to reality when irrational thoughts become overwhelming.
It must be exhausting to have to worry about it so much, but I can totally see your point.
One thing I can say for sure...the worrying behaviour is going to put a strain on your relationship and potentially the very act of fretting and avoiding the thing that irritates you the most might destroy the one thing you are trying to protect.
I hope you find something that helps you cope xxx
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