A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 26 year old guy and am in relationship with a 24 year old girl.I am deeply troubled by her sexual past.My girlfriend is a caring,lovely person,she is highly emotional and friendly person. My girlfriend was molested multiple times by her uncles when she was between the ages of 5-12.She has been sexually involved with more than 30 men before she met me.For me,sex has been something special and I've been with only 2 girls before i met her.She has been promiscuous while she hasnt been in relationships,has had 4-5 one night stands and has had relationships with 2 men over 40.All this is causing a conflict within me and I dont seem to end up with a conclusion.Ive been with her for about a year now and the feeling comes and goes,once or twice every month or so.I honestly want to work towards the relationship and I know its my issue and not hers as she cant go back and change the past regardless.I need to know how to get my mind on track and focus on the worthy.She is a loving person and I want to spend my life with her,but if this conflict isnt resolved,it seems impossible.Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday my girlfriend told me she got back in touch with one of her friends with whom she was sexually involved.She had cut him out because she didnt want to be in touch with him because she was in a relationship.her excuse for doing this is that she needs attention!! I was like "what"?.She says she needs a guy friend.Well,she already has a couple of male friends and I dont see a reason why she's so eager to have them.Recently she had arguments with her other 2 male friends and she stopped talking to them.I give her full attention and satisfy her emotionally and physically.why is she pushing the envelope so far?Is it time to put down my foot?I've told her I'm not comfortable with her talking and hanging out with someone she was involved in the past and her response is its your problem, its your insecurity.Well can't she respect my wishes and lay some boundaries.whats coming next?? Oh i had sex with my friend.. but dont worry I still love you!!I'm furious and upset but don't want to control anything.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRecently, I have discovered that my girlfriend has been constantly shoplifting,Infact she has been doing so for regular items such as toothbrushes and cosmetics.She can afford them but her bad money management just seems to be an excuse for doing so.And she just doesnt shoplift one item,its hoardes of stuff she has at her place which is stolen.Ive tried numerous ways to convince her to stop doing it but she says it gives her a high.Earlier she was addicted to drinking,drugs,sex,food and now shoplifting..what's next?/
I am getting sick of it now and feel like i deserve something much better.
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A
female
reader, S - soadlover :-)  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 previous posters are right, she needs help it seems her sleeping with so many guys is a result of her abuse and she need to talk through this wih professionals
and hun try not to let things from her past hurt you, u'v gotta b there for her, this abuse will have ment to her that sex wont have been a special thing in her life - events like that can take that away from a person
what u gotta remember is that she is with u now
try and make sex between u two special, try and rewrite things for her
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A
female
reader, huyya  +, writes (2 January 2009):
I, myself, do not have a great past... a couple of months ago, i had a relationship with a guy, we were in your situation... i told him everything about me and i trusted him... i knew that he loved and cared about me... but one day he could not handle what i did before and offended me...I left him and never called again, and i will never ever want to be with him... even if i loved him, i never forgave him...What i want to show you is that it is really a difficult situation in which she is... Try to focus on her psychology... She never deserved to be in that situation,too. Life is not fair for all of us... I think everyone has an exam in life,look at hers and this is your exam, if you love her as much as she loves you, trust your heart... or you may be very regretful in the future... try to be patient... do not be selfish, put yourself in her situations... Think of her pain! You do not have the rigt to judge her with her past and her mistakes... If she had never made mistakes she would not have met you!Focus on the benefits, not on the negations!!follow your heart while you still have one...best regards...
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A
male
reader, Rhandy  +, writes (15 December 2008):
 Remember this.
if you love the person, u must admit and accept of what her past, you must love her of what she is and not of what she have, Dont let her past ruin your relationship, you cant change her past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): Retroactive Jealousy won't just away with time.
Ten or fifteen minutes on google will confirm that pretty clearly. There are tons of people asking pained questions who've been trying to get over stuff that happened literally decades ago.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): While I don't believed in the 'damaged goods' theory, 30 partners by age 24 is a problem. If the sex is random and has something to do with sexual abuse by a family member, it seems your best bet is to get her some professional help and satify your self that she isn't a sex addict.
Beyond that you have to get over your insecurity pard'ner. You're going to have a hard time finding a virgin and entertaining the picture of her beyong intimate with another man is going to drive you crazy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): The only real thing you need to think about here is one simple question.Do you love her enough to deal with your own doubts and help her if.when she needs it?Thats it.A real man would say yes.But that is up to you.Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): You have no choice, you have to accept it, if you want to stay with here forever as you said.
Realize that she is different from other women on some points, she will expect from you that you protect her from other men. You will have to act much more macho than you might use to be. She will expect your support and protection and you will experience the woman who 'will carry you on hands'.
She has been honest to you about her relations, that feels good to me. Don't be afraid about stories from others, but listen to your intuition and be clear to her what you expect of a relation and also ask here what she expects from you how to act in different situations.
hope my experience helps you a bit, Good luck
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A
male
reader, ostego160 +, writes (10 December 2008):
I was in a VERY similar situation with a girl who was abused. To be honest, I cared for her alot, but it was very short lived. In my experience women who have these types of issues are extremely vulnerable.
In my case, I could see trouble coming because she was very flirtatious and responded when other men showed interest in her (even older men too!). If you see this, don't be suprised if she is unfaithful.
If not, then I think these feelings will pass overtime, but you have been willing to work for it and come to terms with HER past. It's natural to think of the woman you love doing things with men that have happened in the past, but remember that they were in the past. Most people learn from their previous habits/mistakes. If she shows no remorse about her previous sexual encounters, be wary.
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