A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel very discouraged from online dating. I have high self-esteem, and try to be open-minded while sticking to my values and boundaries. I look like my online photos. In fact, one guy i went on a date with commented that it was refreshing to meet someone who looks just like their photos. In the "what I'm really looking for" section on my profile, I wrote that I'm looking for a relationship with a potential for commitment with the time is right. So I think i'm being straightforward and honest without being in-your-face. I've had plenty of dates with guys i don't feel a connection with. I've had a handful of dates whom i liked and they didn't like me back. Then there are the dates whom we both really hit it off. The guy keeps in contact and asks me out for a second date. he keeps in contact after the second date for several days then poof... disappears. I don't reach out myself because I feel that if a guy is interested enough he will ask me out again. I can't seem to ever get a third date and it's really discouraging and taking a toll on my self-esteem. I've been feeling lonely and it makes me think there is something wrong with me. I believe i present myself well on dates. I listen and i talk, am honest about what i'm looking for when they ask, and don't take dates too seriously. I treat it like getting to know a good friend, with just a hint of flirtation or physical touch. I know attraction and connection can't be forced from the other person. I've met many guys whom I'm just not attracted to so i get it. But I've been on so many dates that don't work out and it's making me very sad. I really would like to get to take things slowly and get to know someone on a deeper level, and hopefully have that lead to a commitment. I'm not desperate nor forceful, and am fine being single, but it's still very disappointing because i do want to be in a relationship someday. Any tips out there?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2019): The reason you can't get a third date is because of the third date rule by date three guys these days expect sex and if you don't they disappear I've been through this for years so I know exactly what you mean. Its not you its them after quick sex. So just keep dating until you find the one who will be there for you from date three and more. It will happen
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2019): Let me be the first uncle/male-responder to your post, and I hope there will be others.
My dear, there isn't necessarily anything wrong with you, or what you've been doing. The thing about online dating is it presents to everyone a wider pool of options, and a very diverse selection of dates.
Everyone has their own criteria, preconceived-notions, and envisioned prototype of the "perfect mate." In truth, many are just kids in a candy shop; and they see so many selections they can't decide on anything. Many are just looking for easy sex, and some just don't have any idea what they're looking for. There is also the case of self-elimination; when a cad realizes you deserve better, and he knows he's not that guy.
You forget, men have insecurities and issues with self-esteem as well. They often search outside of their league, looking for supermodels. Searching with an inflated-ego, bloated self-assurance, and deluded by self-aggrandizement. Inspired by porn, fantasy, and full of stupidity. They don't always have what it takes, but want more than they can give. You're fortunate they pass you by, or just move on.
You don't find treasure or precious jewels just scattered in plain view. You have to hunt and search for them.
You've indicated in your profile you want a relationship. Many will read it as needy. Relationships don't just fall in your lap, or simply happen on the spur of the moment. They develop, and don't just happen on a whim; because you've decided you want one, and you want it now! Sorry, but the dating-world isn't like Starbucks or the drive-in window, where you put-in your order and it comes ready-made to your specifications. You're dealing with, chance and risk. The odds and ratios. The mathematical problem of life, that is hard to solve on the first try. The variables may change, and you can't always find the least-common denominator. It's easier for some than others. That's life!
Finding your best match is not that simple. Nothing worthy is ever simple or easy to find. If it was, it wouldn't be of any value. It takes patience, perseverance, good-judgement, and discernment. Take your time, and do your best to remove the urgency from your search. Weeding is a futile and tedious chore! It's worth it in the end!
You're placing undue pressure on yourself, and your desperation might be showing a little more that you want it to. Meaning, you try too hard to be likeable. Go overboard to be charming or alluring. You get a little antsy and eager to see things happen quickly. Every guy you meet, you're anticipating to be a candidate for a relationship; and when it doesn't happen, you end-up frustrated and disappointed. You beat yourself up, and let your disappointment wear you down. Don't do that to yourself, sweetheart. Take it easy!
Dating is not just a process of selection and a mission to find a mate; it's also meant to be a way to socialize and enjoy the company of the people you meet. Chemistry will happen when the necessary elements or ingredients come together. You keep trying until it happens. You try to remain objective, observant, and optimistic. Prepare to let-go, or be let-go! It's going to be hit or miss. What makes it more disappointing is that you are presented with so many opportunities; which also increases the chances of meeting a number of guys who aren't looking for a relationship. Rather hoping you're desperate enough to put-out.
There will also be a select-group of fellows who are checking-out several women at a time, and choosing their favorite(s) among them. They have every right to do that; even if women may find that detestable. It's only wrong when they pretend to be exclusive, but are still playing the field. Women do the same thing! Checking out his earning-potential, measure of success, and testing his generosity. You just have to be ready to reject and eject the moment that it becomes apparent that he's a player, or a jerk. Even if he's a loveable player or jerk. There are such things! Like stolen-property, you aren't allowed to keep them!
Your self-esteem shouldn't be tied to any of this. You are in-charge of your self-esteem! It's homegrown and self-maintained. When women/people learn that, they'll save themselves a world of hurt. You don't like every guy you've met. You'll kiss a few frogs, and no prince will appear! Some wonderful men will not choose you; although you've chosen him. That's just how life works. That's what dating is all about.
You don't/can't just decide you want love right-now, and it magically materializes. It takes time to search and find it. You have to know it when you see it. More likely it will find you, when you aren't expecting it. I've never found love while on a mission to find it. I've disciplined myself to enjoy each opportunity of meeting someone; and letting the chips fall where they may. I've been rejected, and I've rejected others. I just kept my heart and mind open, until it happened. It found me, and it's wonderful! I wasn't searching for it at the time it appeared!
Don't settle. Frustration will set-in, you'll become discouraged, and desperation will lie to your face. It will tell you take whatever you can get, or put-up with a no-good loser. It will tell you any guy is better than no guy at all! No, you keep right-on Looking! Don't rely on just those dating sites, be visible and sociable. Leave some-things to God's plan. Be confident, friendly, and socially-active.
Stay optimistic! The fact is, the right-guy is out there; and you're both making your way towards each other. You need to be tried and tested by other guys in preparation. You need exposure to develop discernment. You have to know what you really want. You also have to overcome your senses of desperation and entitlement; that wrongfully may become your motivation. Love is evasive, tricky, slippery, and hard to find. It happens when it happens, and not on-demand. You can let the calendar and your biological-clock tell you time is running-out. That's when haste hooks you up with a rotten bastard, who'll ruin your life. Leaving you alone with his ugly kids and struggling; because you just couldn't wait. You decided to rush and pushed it! Then people wonder why there's so many divorces?!!
It's not you, it's many things. It's the sign of the times; where people have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. They want perfection, when they themselves are chocked full of flaws. There are men who want sex without commitment. The dating-pool is filled with losers and opportunists, and you have to weed them out. In the process, you are learning. You can't just give-up, because of a few misses. You can't assume there is something wrong with you; unless you see a pattern in your behavior that creates a certain unwanted-response that seems consistent in every failed-opportunity. Something you do that always seems to be the point of turn-off for every guy you've met. You'll know what it is, because you'll sense it. You'll even ask yourself, why do I keep doing that? If you have done that, then that's what it is. Not to include withholding sex, or offering racy pics of yourself.
If he doesn't ask for a third-date, his loss. If he can't see your best traits and attributes, or feel he's not man enough to deal with a woman like you. Perhaps it's through divine intervention the angels are protecting you from the wrong men. Saving you for that man you're looking for, who's also looking for you. Pray about it, patiently wait for it, and enjoy your search. Stop placing your feelings in before you know whom you're attaching them to. I takes time, my dear. It takes time and patience.
May God guide you, protect you, and lead you to the man of your dreams.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2019): OP here. When I'm interested in someone, I always tell my dates that I had a great time and/or would love to see them again. But I guess they don't feel the same. I don't actually do the asking for the third date though.
I've asked two different guys for a third date before, suggesting a specific day/time but they said they were busy aka I take it as not interested. I figured if they're interested they would ask themselves or offer an alternative date.
It does hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2019): I think the answer is quite simple. At the point where you say "I don't reach out myself" - okay, fine, I understand. BUT you could still make encouraging signals. By the time of the third date, many guys will be thinking "Okay, she wants commitment, but does she want it with me?". It's not really logical to think that only the guy who wants commitment with you will pursue you. He may need a bit more encouragement to know that you WANT him to pursue you. Also, idiots do pursue women just for the challenge - some guys really do love 'the chase' and will do everything to give you the impression they will commit only to get into bed with you. So, the idea of not reaching out to them is a bit flawed in the first place. Make encouraging gestures if you want a third date. I wouldn't suggest - in your case - that you initiate and actually ask because I don't think you have that kind of personality - it works for some women but not for others. But you can really reinforce how much you enjoyed the date and compliment him a lot etc. etc.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (4 October 2019):
 Hi OP. I dont think you are doing anything wrong, unfortunately I put a lot of the issue with the bloody online dating. So many people to be in contact it's like revolving doors. People are in a prime position to keep putting out the feelers, bit like the kid in the candy store, they'll keep on eating not leaving room for taking the time for something "healthy". However this bit of your post:
"I don't reach out myself because I feel that if a guy is interested enough he will ask me out again". Guys may think this too so why not try asking them instead.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2019):
 The guys you go on dates with have ALWAYS been the one to initiate? (as in THEY pick you, you say yes - or no?)
If so, maybe YOU should try and see what is out there and MAKE the initial pick.
Guys who ask you out, MAY not be looking for long term. So when you seem to take the "slow" approach (which I think is smart) they move on. OR they are going on dates with MULTIPLE girls, and either find someone who moves faster, wants casual or is a overall better fit. The thing is, YOU can be a GREAT catch, but SOME guys will ALWAYS think that the grass is greener elsewhere.
It can also be that you while seemingly engaging can come off as NOT that interested. It's impossible to tell.
If I were you I'd take a break from dating a few months and redo your profile. You can say the same things, but re-word it. Maybe have a good friend look it over. Someone who knows you well.
If you meet someone and the first dates go well, YOU plan date #2. And before date #2 ends it might be a GOOD idea to tell the guy that you really enjoyed the date and hope for a #3. That way you leave NO doubt about your interest without sounding desperate or not so interested.
I don't think it's you though, it might be the "TYPE" you are going for. If you seem to have a type.
Unfortunately, because there is SUCH a large dating pool (considering that people date not only within their community, town, city, state, country but also ACROSS the World it does make it a bit harder to find someone locally that is a good fit. But don't give up. Just take a break from it. Then get back on the horse and try from a different angle, different dating site. Stick to your standards though.
Chin up.
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