A
female
age
30-35,
*verthinker12
writes:Hi everyone. I'm writing this as my thoughts are consuming me and ultimately upsetting me and affecting my behaviour with my partner, which I hate. I have been feeling very insecure lately and issues of the past keep popping into my mind and I find it very hard to get them out. I have been with mt boyfriend for nearly three years and he is truly one of a kind, sweet, considerate, loving, he's the best! I feel guilty at times for acting so insecure and snappy as usually there is noting to worry about and I feel so stupid and ashamed after for causing such a scene. Also I don't want to push him away as I used to have an ex boyfriend who was paranoid and jealous and it ultimately led to the demise of that relationship.My problem is I can't get over the fact that I think he stares at my little sister. I love my little sister to bits and she's the most important thing to me and writing this I'm incredibly embarrassed but I just need to voice my feelings. Around 3 months ago we were all having dinner with my family and I was sat opposite my boyfriend, I just couldn't help noticing he kept glancing over at her and didn't look at me once. Obviously when we got home I couldn't hide that something was wrong and broke down, saying he seemed to be "paying attention to other people" more than me. I couldn't bring myself to say I thought he was staring at my sister as I just feel incredibly embarrassed and didn't want any tensions forming. He got upset and said that this had to stop, that he's nice to my family because he loves me and that he was beginning to feel uncomfortable when he was speaking to my sister just in case I would get jealous. (It's an issue that has come up before)Now I keep overthinking this again and it's really getting me down, am I going crazy or what?Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 February 2017):
 What age is your sister? Has he gave you any reasons in the past not to trust him?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 February 2017):
 If she's under 18, then there's a problem.
If she's over 18, I think you need to seek therapy, so you can learn the difference between staring/glancing in a flirty way and staring/glancing just because it's human nature to look at people.
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A
female
reader, Overthinker12 +, writes (20 February 2017):
Overthinker12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you those for your helpful and constructive comments. Aggressive and negative comments I feel are counterproductive and go against the ethos of this sight, I won't let it get to me but maybe there are other people that would, therefore maybe think twice about posting deconstructive replies.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (20 February 2017):
I feel for him. It must be terrible living with someone as jealous and insecure as you. You really need to see a counselor about your insecurities before you drive this guy away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2017): Oh wow I've been exactly where you are where I've have a husband who stares at a family member and felt so horrible for even daring to think it . It made me feel so much shame I couldn't ever bring myself to discuss it with him and even to this day I live with deep resentment that he did and still does occasionally do this
I know that mentioning it will only lead to his denial and my further feeling bad for daring to say such a thing , even though I know in my heart it's exactly what he did
It makes me sick to the stomach that men have no problem crossing these boundaries and don't give a damn how it makes us feel
Believe me , when I say that if you feel it in your bones that he did this , the way I know mine did , you will always know he has that attraction. And you will always know that his feelings for you were not enough to make him ignore it . Get out now whole you can or end up miserable and married to it like I did
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A
male
reader, Unknown_619 +, writes (20 February 2017):
How old is your sister?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2017): OK, well, it sounds like he knew what you were getting at when you broke down crying, because he responded by saying that he was talking to your family for you, and that he got uncomfortable while he was talking to your sister because he suspected you would get jealous. So, I think he is quite aware that you do have jealousy issues with him and your sister. It sounds like he truly is just trying to be friendly with your family, because he perhaps will someday be part of it! Of course he has to be friendly with your sister! So his explanation does make sense. On the other hand, I wasn't there so I can't tell you for sure that he wasn't "staring" at her or checking her out. You didn't say how old she is, so I am assuming she is well above the age of majority and an adult herself? Does she wear revealing or outlandish clothing? If so, perhaps it was hard for him to look away (because sometimes attention drawing clothing draws EVERYONE's attention. When waitresses or other women show WAY too much skin, my eyes sometimes look there in shock (completely straight female), so I would imagine that it is the same for men where even if they aren't attracted, the eyes just go to where there is a surprising lack of cover! Finally, I am going to get to the most difficult part to accept. Which is that males often fleetingly (quickly) check out all kinds of females. So that could include your mother, your sister, your best friend. There are many jokes and sitcoms dealing with this. That doesn't mean he's sitting at home thinking about it for long. If he is truly in love with you, this would be a fleeting look. That is the nature of men and you will never be able to fight it. The best thing to do is pretend those quick glances don't exist. In conclusion, we really don't know if the stares were of a sexual nature at all. Likely he was trying to make conversation at a family dinner and impress everyone because they are YOUR family. You know your bf best. If he is a trustworthy, loyal man who dotes on you I don't think you have anything to worry about or be so insecure about. Perhaps you have unresolved feelings of inadequacy related to your sister. Your greatest fear is that she surpasses you in looks, sexual appeal, etc. That she is better than you, and you are simply transferring this fear to a scenario where your boyfriend is wanting her (which he isn't really). Is this not possible? Perhaps you should discuss these feelings and fears with a counsellor.
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