A
male
age
36-40,
*eringer1985
writes:I am dealing with some issues with my wife's sexual past, I dont know how many she was with but I know it was between 15 and 25. She lied about being with my friend when I asked her about a month after we started dating. She later told me they were friends with benefits before we got together.In her past experiences she has done everything possible sexually with the other guys, and it hurts me severely that we dont get to share any "firsts" together, and I cant quit seeing my friend and her together to put it nicely. I really wanna go forward and have our relationship be the best it can be, but until I can get over her sordid past we cant. Thanks in advance for any and all help.
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friend with benefits, her past, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 May I tell some people here who claim this story deals with RJ, that it's not true. It's not about beeing unlogically jalous of a past boyfriend, it's about the real and deep nature of a person one wants to live with.I beg you pardon, but if I discovered my girlfriend/wife used to fuck around like a bitch in heat, doing fistfucking and gangbangs, it would ruined immediately the esteem I would have to her, and "us" would be over in a split second.Beringer1985 who posted his question told us his sweet-love had had a "sordid sex life". If sordid is just making love with her regular ex-boyfriend, it's too extreme. But if sordid means well something very hard-core like the things I've written above, I just can advice this guy to think twice if he really wants to live with somebody who has excessive/twisted sexual needs that can re-appear at anytime in their life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): I think it is important that you know someone's previous sexual history. My recently ex boyfriend lied to me and said he had not slept with many women and had always used a condom. The 'truth' came out in a way that was impossible for him to deny and involved an STI. Unfortunately for me it was the lies that finished our relationship though I did have an issue with the number of one night stands my ex had previously been with - because I felt it did not reflect well on the way he treated women. We are all entitled to our opinion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): Beringer--I'm really happy that you're working to get over this and are optimistic about your future.
It gives me hope, too, because I struggle with the same thing (even though I'm a woman).
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Beringer1985 +, writes (26 December 2013):
Beringer1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your help, I have realized that I do indeed have RJ. Since finding this out, I have started confronting the friend whenever he comes in my head and telling him to leave it is my wife. She loves me and picked me, so I win. This has been helping tremendously, she even mentioned his name today and I didn't have a breakdown. I just did what I mentioned above and it was immediately better. So to anyone who has it I noticed alot of times they said to push the thought away, I have found that confronting it is far better.
I think in a 2 weeks to a month she will be able to talk about him again without me feeling a thing, thank you very much for all of your help. I am forever in your debt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): I take issue with Maureen1979's comments about judging.
Sexual history is a compatibility issue. Wanting someone whose past is compatible with you is "judging" about as much as wanting someone who is the right age or religion or income or is attractive to you.
Everyone has the right to date and marry who they want. People get "judged" for stuff that is COMPLETELY out of their control a million times a day. On the other hand sexual history is something everyone has complete control over. Its actually one of the fairest things you can possibly "judge" someone over. You DO have total control over your past, you just don't get to switch your choices back later and have it both ways. Neither does anyone else. Deal with it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2013):
 Normally I think that RJ sufferers bring this on themselves for various reasons. IN your case, you have a KEY TRIGGER: “Only about 4 mnths ago did all of these feelings come flashing up over it, after her and the friend started talking more again.”
I can’t say I blame you for being concerned that a former lover is worming his way back into your wife’s affections. Have you told her how much her increased contact with this old friend are bothering you?
I think that it is your first step. While you can’t forbid her to talk to him (that’s a sure way of pushing her right to him) You have every right to LET HER KNOW that her increased contact with him is creating an concern for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): Hey man I can completely relate to you on this one. Honestly she sounds like a whore. Don't believe all these people who are trying to make it seem like your wrong in feeling this way. A lot of guys act like they're confident and could handle this situation better than you but honestly they would be feeling the same way as you. You should divorce her if it is too hard to accept though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): You are a fairly young man. I suspect over time you will adjust to the "sordid" details of your wife's past. You now have a family, and son who is now becoming attached to you as his dad. I think sometimes it a matter of sheer will to get through the tough spots in marriage.
Placing people on a pedestal; or finding something about them that really steals our hearts might leave us susceptible to disappointment as we discover their secrets. That's where love is challenged. If you you can make it past this emotional obstacle; maybe there's hope.
It says nothing about your abilities to please your wife sexually.
Shake it off, ditch the friend, or get a divorce.
Women have enough to deal with in a marriage without having to cope with small minds and/or small penises. If you feel you've been duped; sorry. Now another guy is likely to walk out on that kid for some outrageous reason.
Another marriage is about to fail; because mommy had more fun while she was single than daddy. She was stupid enough to finally cough up the truth. Daddy can't handle the truth.
Some things just can't be changed on a whim. Like the past, for instance!
She lied about your friend out of consideration for your feelings. Maybe it was her first impulse; noticing you were getting upset about her past. Now that they're friends again. Now you're worried they're hooking up again.
She may be better off with a man more forward in his thinking; confident in his skills as a lover,and secure in his own abilities in the bedroom. That's what this all comes down to. Isn't it?
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 December 2013):
To the first poster, RJ only happens when you love someone so much......
To the OP, if you had complete information, I would say this is on you because you knew. You didn't, and worse you were lied to.
As another poster said, there is generally no getting over this, there is only accepting it. I don't know if you have any kids, but if I were you, Id be darn sure on where you stand on this before you do. No kids is WAY easier to move on from than kids.
You were lied to. You have every right to move on should you wish knowing what you know now. Do know that if you stay, you have one hell of a ride in front of you. Not a guess.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 December 2013):
 I usually take issue in retroactive jealousy cases like yours, but you were lied to in regards to your friend. I have sympathy for guys who suffer RJ when they were lied to in regards to sexual past. Misrepresentation is not cool. It's better to not talk about sexual past in detail instead of deliberately lying about it.
However, it's done. You knew she had a past even apart from your friend, yet you made the decision to marry her. You mentioned not experiencing the "firsts" with her. You didn't mention whether or not you were a virgin when you started dating her. If the answer is "no", then you are as "sordid" as she is. If you were a virgin and she told you she was as well, I'd be upset too.
However, you're married now. She hasn't cheated on you. You can either forgive her for lying and live with the RJ, or you can't. But now, you forever have a past and a history too. It's up to you here. I don't go for lying, that is for sure.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 Yeah, I can relate. Before I married my wife she confessed to a past that should have driven me away but I was too far invested immotionally to back away and I'm glad I didn't. We've been married over 45 years now and it's been all good. The problem is not with her past it's with your perception of how you think you're going to handle it. So, my advice is to just do a brain flush and remember that not all men have a perfect past when they marry but they're accepted as is anyway.
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male
reader, Beringer1985 +, writes (25 December 2013):
Beringer1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso would like to know what kind of therapist to go to for this, because she will not go. This is the only time I have really been crazy abt anything, because I know deep down it is not her past thats doing this to me. It is some sort of trigger down a whole!! lot deeper than that.
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male
reader, Beringer1985 +, writes (25 December 2013):
Beringer1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I knew about all of it but the friend before hand, but she had a son who I fell in love with in between when we started and when I was told. So I stayed to make sure he had a father, because his father liked pills more than him. Only about 4 mnths ago did all of these feelings come flashing up over it, after her and the friend started talking more again. Thanks for everyone's help and opinions on the matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): Why should you refer to your wife's past as "sordid?"
Perhaps the shock will pass. Unfortunately, there have been so many posts on this site about it. For most people, it doesn't.
No one can change their past. Everything she does with you, is a first-time, for you.
Retroactive jealousy is a common insecurity; but it's a serious threat to otherwise healthy relationships and marriages. So many cultures, including Western society; still try to push the archaic concept of people remaining virgins until marriage. It makes great sense; because abstinence controls unwanted pregnancies, single parenting, and the spread of STD's. It actually saves lives.
It's a modern world. So we deal with the realities of it.
In modern society, there are few people who are virgins over the age of 16. If you live in the United States, you know women are just as free to be sexual as men are. You must be awfully naive.
You made her your wife; because there was more she had to offer than sex, I hope.
After marriage is a pretty weird time to develop these feelings. Were you oblivious to all this beforehand?
You'll seriously have to seek professional counseling. This sometimes doesn't go away. If your wife means anything to you; you'll base your feelings on more than her past. You love her for who she is now.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (25 December 2013):
 I know that it could be hard to deal with. Its the past it's past experience. If your not a virgin this shouldn't be a issue really. Which means you have a future sex life. She has to accept also. If you cant deal with its recommended that you seek someone who's never had any sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): For most guys there isn't any getting over it. There is only accepting it or not.
I'm sorry to be negative but this is the truth and you need to hear it. You may get over it if this problem has been uncovered just recently. But if you've already been trying to deal with it for a few years then your feelings probably won't change in another 30 years.
For what its worth, she owed you the truth about her history with your friend as soon as you started dating her. People have a right say they won't talk about their past. But if this other guy is your friend then he isn't in the past, he is in the present and future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): I'm touched reading this. It proves that you love her so much. I have been in that situation before. I was curious to know about my boyfriend pass relationship and sexual. He doesn't want to discuss that openly with me. While honestly I will feel hurt if he told me too. I think why I did it was because I feel insecure about our relationship and I want him to be only mine. But things has been done and we can't change anything. You must accept the truth and forgive her as long as she's not cheating or harm your current relationship. Tell her the lines what she should and shouldn't do. Keep positive and look forward for your better future. :)
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