A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have a serious problem that I don't know how to adress.Me and my girlfriend have known each other since we were in our teens. It's been about 8 years now that we've been friends. We've always gotten along great, been best friends and fell in love with each other about 5 years ago, but were too scared to admit we're actually in love until early 2013.Now, as you can probably assume, I genuinely love her with all of my heart. She understands me better than anyone, knows my bad and good sides and vice versa. We honestly have a great relationship! Unfortunately, there have been some massive downsides (such as her leaving me hanging out of the blue in spring 2013 and just altogether disappearing - we got back together in autumn. and her dropping me again in may 2014) that I can't seem to forget. I have come to tolerate them, however.The real issue here is that she has told me that she lost her virginity about 3 years ago to some guy I don't know. Ever since I knew this, I can't get it out of my head. The thought of someone else deflowering her and touching her like that downright disgusts me. It pains me so much to think like this because I adore her, but I can't unsee it. I might add that I, myself, am still a virgin. I just feel like it's nothing special anymore now. And every time I think about it I get extremely irritated. It's honestly driving me nuts because it's so frequently on my mind and I don't know what to do against it?I sometimes even catch myself scoffing when she says she has been in love with me for 5 years and that she has never loved anyone else like then - then why would she have had sex with that guy? I find myself unable to return her feelings in situations like that.I'm really at my wit's end. I actually considered breaking up with her because of this, but I would be devastated.
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best friend, fell in love, got back together, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): She is perfectly normal - and so are you. DO NOT let anyone tell you that your values are the wrong ones or unfair or any of that bullshit. She has a right to her past and you have a right to yours. Her past makes her who she is and so does yours. Get my drift?
This is a compatibility problem. It only gets turned into a values problem when people want a relationship with the other person anyway and fight through it.
Your sexual moral values are not quite compatible with this girl. You have to take it or leave it. This difference is not going to go away or bother you any less over time.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 Very harsh ?...
the OP of course can have all the morals and values that she wants, and can also bring her morals and vaues wherever they will be shared , understood and appreciated.
Instead the OP chooses to stay with a person who has different morals and values, tryng to impose HER values and morals on this person, and feeling DISGUST, basically, for this person, just because she happens not to share the OP's personal ( and rather unusual ) morals and values.
Talk about spitting in the plate where you eat ! Isn't that harsh too ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): I think some of the other answers are very harsh.
It can be difficult if your views and morals differ to your partners. We can see that to you giving your virginity to someone you love is important.
Unfortunately not everyone will feel this way. Your girlfriend either doesn't feel this way or did but made a mistake. Either way it doesn't need to be the end of your relationship.
If she made a mistake it is not fair to blame her as she may well be trying to deal with her feelings towards that herself. If she doesn't regard virginity as something very important then she won't see having sex with someone before being with you as wrong and so in a sense that removes any blame from her. Those are her views to be respected as much as yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): The 100th time someone has sex is no less special than the first time. A woman (or man) does not become disvalued after losing their virginity. She is perfectly normal and you are not. I would break up with you if I knew your behavior.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 That would be akin to me finding out my wife had girl o girl sex when she was a teen. Big f'n deal. Drop the negative feelings about something you had no control over9I mean what if it had been a rape?) you are dwelling on you not her. Get over yourself. Life is too short to be concerned over such sillyness. Good Luck and carry on
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 October 2014):
 I also believe that virginity is totally overrated, it really is, at least I thought, a guy thing. Apparently I was wrong. You however are yet another sufferer of RJ and from what I have learned on this site, overcoming RJ can be near to impossible. If you love her you must want to do the kindest thing for her and that would be to cut her loose. The victims of RJ live a miserable existence, constantly paying for something that was never a crime, unjustly punished and resented. If this is preying so constantly on your mind I'm afraid your particular case of RL most likely will require you to find new partner who is totally virginal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2014):
 First of all your relationship sounds kind of unstable as it is. With her doing the vanishing act every now and then when it PLEASES her.
Secondly, YOU as a woman should know that the "virginity" of a woman means nothing. It's a man made social construct to keep the chance of a MAN raising someone else son/daughter to a bare minimum. It frames a woman’s worth as inversely proportional to the number of penis that have been inside her. It makes no sense. You don't LOSE your virginity, you SHARE your body with someone on you first time. Her worth isn't less because she had sex with someone other than you at a time YOU TWO weren't together. She may have LOVED you at the time it happened , but was trying to CONFORM to the NORM of society... being with a guy.
And what do you do? YOU SHAME her for not being "pure" for you. Well, SHAME on you. If you can not LOVE the woman in front of you, because she has had an experience YOU have chosen NOT to have... then let her go.
Let he find a person who is OK with ALL of her.
Sounds to me like you should read up on Retrograde Jealousy and you should LET her go, because holding her PAST against her like some kind of bargaining chip in your favor is not right and you know it.
Good luck, and I hope when you end it you aren't going to throw her first time with a guy in her face, because that is a low blow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): I don't view her as a "whore". I just cannot seem to get over the fact that someone else has been touching her like this. I suppose I feel like giving myself to her makes it less special now, because we can't share our first times together?
I actually confronted her about this some time ago (a few months, at least) and she has said that she never even really loved those guys and simply tried to "move on". She hadn't even been together with them for longer than a month.
I guess it just clashes with my view of how someone should treat their virginity. To me, it's something special. I know there are those who don't think so, too. I can't really get behind that, unfortunately.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): I feel for you. Somehow we grow up with a strong love - sex connection. Most people lose this and shun those that give sexual relations a high value. You can't blame your girlfriend for what she has done.
You either give up your values (as I have) or leave and find someone who matches your values. Yes they do exist!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): Most people at that age are not virgins. It's a rare thing, but it should not be held against a person. I am a virgin, but my boyfriend isn't. I would rather not think about it, but I do not hold it against him. He didn't even know me when he lost is. I don't mind.
If this is that big of an issue for you, then end the relationship. It's not fair to her to be honest. She's done nothing wrong. Sometimes some people play around even though they don't love the other person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): Break up with her. It's common people your age have lost their virginity and we no longer live in the Middle Ages. You speak of someone deflowering her. Please, she met a guy and thought she liked him and slept with him. No big deal.
I think in your head, you've put her on a pedestal and thought of all the "how it could be" type thoughts. Often when people say they've loved someone for years, when they actually get together it's not all what they thought it would be. That's usually because the thought of being in love with them is total fantasy and very different to the real life being with them.
She is probably a lovely girl, but if you're scoffing at her claims to love you, which may be sincere, she will one day pick up on that and if I'm honest women deserve better than that. You're jealous of her past and she can't change it, maybe if you told her sooner then it wouldn't have happened - but as I said there is no changing the past. So you either like it or lump it. If you can't handle the thought of it then split up. But you will come across other girls who have a sexual past and then what? You will think their deceleration to like you doesn't mean anything because they slept with someone before you?
Talk some sense into yourself. If you adore this girl like you say, then you will get over it. Because you will see her for who she is now and not what happened previously. It would be lovely for partners to save themselves for someone special, I don't disagree that it would be a lovely respectful sentiment but the reality is it just doesn't happen frequently any more. If you love her as much as you claim then you should respect her enough to not focus on the past and instead your future together.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 October 2014):
I think you should break up with her. She is an adult and has done nothing wrong, and you seem to be slut shaming her over it. I find this sort of attitude from men deplorable, and frankly she'd be better off without you. The vast majority of people your age are not virgins. Perhaps after you date a few women who have had multiple partners you'll stop seeing this sweet girl as some kind of whore.
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