A
male
age
36-40,
*plackavellie
writes:My ex and i are both in the military, we met while serving at the same base and started to date. While we dated we moved in together and had ups and downs like any other relationship but we both knew we loved each other. Ive met her family and she has met mine. When her parents visited once, they had a chance to meet my family as well. I was nervous at how fast things were going as all this happened within a year. But i knew if i had to be with someone, it was her. As time passed more, she started to demand more attention, she always cried like she felt i didn’t love her anymore and it made me furious because i absolutely did. The more attention she asked for, the more i started to doubt us. She suggested i read the Love Language but i refused, I felt like i didn’t need a book or someone else to tell me how to love. She was coming up on a deployment to Afghanistan and the arguments never stopped. So it got to a point that i felt like maybe we just weren’t right for each other, its like we loved each other but didn’t know how to be happy together.This of-course broke her heart, i was sad at the time but not so heart broken. We lived together and since she was deploying soon, i convinced her to stay living together until she deployed. Those few weeks we spent living together single were the best. We were like best of friends and we got along pretty well, we were in limbo, good limbo. She finally deployed and we have kept in touch almost daily. We have sent packages to each other to include christmas gifts and she even sent something to my parents and i sent something to hers. I was starting to think she was my girlfriend again and just waiting for her to come home to try to rekindle the flame.A week after new years, she told me she needed to get something off her chest and told me she has been seeing someone but she still wanted us to remain friends. I was so heart broken that i had lost her, i wrote her a very emotional email stating how i had fallen for her again this past months and how i had started to realize the mistakes i made during our time together, I knew what i had to do now to make my lover and girl happy. Well she did not reply for a few days and when she did she stated she did not know what to say. (Mind you, she is Afghanistan so i can’t get in touch with her when i want). She told me that what i am experiencing now being heart broken is what she experienced when we broke up. She said she absolutely cherished me as a friend but she doubts we would ever date again. That news tore me apart for days then we were able to chat again about random stuff and its like i fell in love with her again.This is where i am lost and confused, so her mom is still on my Facebook and we communicate very well, she comments and likes some of my post like we were still dating. Also i had calmed down emotionally and has been able to communicate with her leaving out the emotional stuff. I also sent her another email of how i can’t stop thinking about her and i will not give up on her just yet and i love and miss her, she never replied to the email. So now we just chat online about random stuff and how our day is going. Im trying to keep a steady relationship with her at least till she gets back home in 3 months. Every now and then, ill throw in a random, I miss you but she never replies or acknowledges it but will reply to anything else.I have no clue what to do as i am an emotional wreck now, I don’t even care about the guy she is seeing and i haven’t asked any further questions, relationships that start overseas while deployed usually stay there so i am hopeful but also scared that it might cont when she returns home. I would really want to work things out again when she gets home but I’m afraid she might truly be done with me as in a relationship and i am wasting my time waiting on her. What do i do, its hard just trying to be her friend now knowing how much i want more and i don’t wanna cut off communication and risk loosing her forever.Should i continue to keep it cool and calm or should i just cut it off with her so i can move on. Mind you, her mom and some family members still keep in touch with me. They know we are broken up and are still good friends, thats all. What do I do, I think of her day and night and it sucks that i can’t even pick up the phone and call her. Heavily relying on chat and text. What do u suggest i do
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broke up, christmas, facebook, fell in love, military, move on, moved in, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): When she suggested that you read a book, she was trying to tell you that you were stiff; and didn't know how to make your feelings open and apparent.
She was tired of trying to figure you out. There are some people, myself included; who know how to let people know exactly how we feel about them; without coming across forced, or like a hand-puppet. I was also once a soldier, and I know how we have to push those feelings down deep; to be a fighting machine, or to prepare to make a sacrifice for our country. Even if we sat behind a desk. They prepared us all.
She wanted you to be romantic and sweep her off her feet.
You didn't get it. She even offered you a book to clarify what it is she needed from you. You resisted her, in every way you could. Then, when you realized she was slipping away, it all came clear. Too late. I recommend that you read that book.
Now she belongs to someone else, and you want her more than ever; because she no longer wants, or needs you. Your ego can't let go; because it's hard to admit to oneself, that you missed an opportunity. Even after being given dozens of chances to get it right. You're stubborn and inflexible, and it cost you big time. Hey man, we are all bound to make that mistake. We all refer to this experience as "the one that got away."
Her parents and family still like you. They have adopted you into the family, and that should be appreciated in it's sincerity and purity. They should not be rejected and punished; because they didn't dump you. She did. Well, after you dumped her the first time. What could she do?
You will get over her, and you can still maintain goodwill with her family. They realize you are going through pain, and they want to know you're making it through the process of moving on okay. They don't want you to think the breakup meant it was meaningless; and you were only welcomed to the family as long as you and she were a couple. They are warm and friendly people. Just like she is. Only you discovered that too late; and now you have to be a man about it.
You're a soldier. You have honor and strength. You understand loyalty. You have pushed yourself to limits the average guy can't. You found love; but it changed; and you will find the strength to let her go. You may just have to use what we were taught as soldiers. How to push it down inside, and prepare to make the sacrifice.
You should call her parents and explain that you have had difficulty over the months dealing with losing their daughter; and dealing with her moving on.
Explain to them that you need a little time to get through the grief of your loss; and you're working through a few things. You appreciate how they have accepted you into the family; but for now there is a very painful connection because of her. Learn to express your feelings. Look what it cost you by refusing to do so. Read on.
They have connected with you; because you share history and love for their daughter. You shared a lot and they need you as that small connection that still means a little piece of their daughter still close to them. While she is miles away, in harm's way. It brings her mother comfort to know you. To know you loved her daughter.
Ask that they forgive you if you are a bit distant. It is only for the purpose of healing and moving on. Keeping in touch has delayed your healing so far. Give you time and you will contact them, as soon as you feel you have completely moved on. Express how you truly care for them, and her.
If you are an American soldier. Thanks for your service and contribution. I hope your heart will heal soon; and I hope you will find another woman who is able to offer you the love you need to revive you. A girl who will let you know maybe one got away; but she was only making room for someone better for you.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 January 2014):
 Hi, sorry it's been tough for you. It sounds to me as though she was hoping you two could find a way to communicate and cut through some of the problems you were having doing so by suggesting the book.
I think at this point if keeping in touch with her is causing you so much pain, you write to her and her family to let them know you need some healing and need to go no contact.
"Hey, you all know how great I think you are, you're a great family and I wish you nothing but happiness. I would love to be in a different situation right now but the reality is that the breakup is hurting and I just need some time to deal with it.
"If there is an emergency or something I really need to know, call my folks at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
"Have a great year,"
P.S. If you haven't read the book, do so. It was a simple request from her and maybe you'll learn something. :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 January 2014):
 Listen to Mariana's Trench Fallout and then move on. At first I thought that maybe you as a guy you did something like withdraw, pull back and leave her hanging but the more I read on I lean more towards her being an insecure attention whore. I thought your reaction, that you were furious was a little bit extreme but maybe she really pushed your limits to the max. Whenever a woman is trying out a next guy, then the relationship is done. You don't wait for her and be the cushion she falls back on. You don't have to keep in touch with her family members if that stops you from moving on. They would understand even if you don't contact them.
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