A
female
age
51-59,
*ustlittleoldme
writes:Hi, I need help. I am a maried woman and mother of 2 and had an affair with a man i met on the internet. About 6 months after the affair started my husband found out and i asked him to leave the house because at the time i thought i was in love with the man i was having the affair with.. but in reality, i was just infatuated with him.My husband is an amazing man (we havent yet divorced) and a wonderful father. The fallout was the children and my marriage.. not to mention the man who i had the affair with.. his wife and 2 children.I felt i had to stay with this man as he moved to be closer to me and i felt obligated./ What a fool i am! I let him guilt me into staying with him.We are still together (barely) and everytime i ask him to let me go, he refuses to. I still have feelings for my husband and will regret that i had every had this affair which just grew legs of its own. The man has been violent in the past but that seems to be resolved now. I dont love him. I feel bad for him. Why do i feel this way? Its confusing me. My son (13) g ets on really well with him but my daughter (11) doesnt like him. i thought i loved him but now realise (and if im honest with myself never did) i dont.How do i end this relationship? I have tried to do this quite a few times and he will just refuse to accept that, then i give in and continue to see him. My husband is now seeing someone and seems to be quite happy. He handles the affair very well.. agreeing that it would not be a good idea to tell the kids. He is a wonderful man, was a beautiful husband and a devoted father. why did i feel the need to have this affair? I feel as if im not strong enough. i know ive done the wrong thing and that i cant go back to what i want so desperately (which is my family) Every day i think about what ive done.I punish myself. I hate myself. Ive hurt the ones i love the most... my family. Should i tell my husband how i feel? I dont want to come in between him and his new partner. He deserves to be happy.Help me please try to understand why i did this... I cry almost every day just thinking about the stupidity of it all.. of me.
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affair, divorce, the internet, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): Cheating is one thing... You're only a human being. But what gets me going about your story is all the other stuff... Particularly the fact that you threw your husband out of his own home and replaced him with some jackass. well done.You've asked 4 questions in your statement.1. Why do you feel this way (in regards to feeling bad for your new bf)?Because you're obviously not very clever. You also might be suffering from what is called the Stockholm Syndrom or something closely related. 2. How do you end this relationship?Are you serious? You're telling me and the rest of the universe that you were able to kick your husband, the father of your children, out of his home? and you can't do this with some random bozo? Dear, it goes like this... A. Goodbye, B. Zero contact (nothing ever ever ever ever.... no phone, no email, no FB, no messaging.... noooothing), C. A restraining order. period and end of that sorry mess.3. Why did you feel the need to have an affair?For a series of reasons. But mainly because you might have felt neglected and the thrill of a new sexual partner combined with the same answer as in 1.4. Should you share your feelings with your (ex) husband? No. Share this with your friends and siblings. Leave your ex alone.I only responded to your plight because of your very last sentence. This shows that you are ready to really learn from this experience. If this sort of thing was done to me by a person demonstrating this many "red flags", I would NEVER take the woman back... Ever. I hope your kids never learn about the reason why they now live in a broken home. This is your next goal.If anything, your story might help convince others to work within the range of their promises and relationship before embarking in such a ride. I also strongly suggest you get some counseling. Hope this helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): Hey, you chose a man you met on the internet over your own children and husband. It didn't work out so you just have to move on and make the best life for yourself. Maybe you can stay single and dedicate yourself to repairing the relationship with your kids and showing them you are capable of being a parent, putting their needs first.There doesn't seem to be much remorse over your actions, not much empathy for your kids and husband, just you feeling bad because it didn't work out for you. Maybe you can turn that around and start thinking of others and their feelings for a change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012):
So u had an affair with a married man. 2 marriages were destroyed. Childrens lives affected………..
You decided u were in love/lust with your lover and your husband in for your lover? You basically thought that the grass was greener with your lover but you soon realised that this was far from the truth.
NOW that your husband has found a woman to LOVE HIM, RESPECT HIM, HONOUR HIM you now want to suddenly make yourself available to him. Hun, this doesn’t work in real life: you had your chance to have this decent faithful man who turned out to be too good to you. You blew it!!!(sorry, there is no other way to put it)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I have written this in another post and will re write/repeat what I wrote:
The ffg is what you have done in your marriage:
-your deliberate lies and half truths
-you sneaking off to meet your lover an
-the time and effort you invested in your lover instead of your faithful husband
-your decision to choose your lover instead of your husband
-your blatant betrayal of your marriage vows.
- you basically decided to sh1t on your marriage, vows and everything that meant anything to your husband and kids.
- you had the affair but YOU THREW YOUR HB OUT OF THE HOME??? Heartless!!!
You broke broke your hbs heart. You betrayed him You destroyed his soul , his pain was unbearable, his mind was going crazy thinking of your deliberate betrayal. The behaviour of your lover and yourself during the duration of the affair, the breakdown of both your marriages, the plotting/plan stage and the aftermath shows that BOTH u and your lover are/were selfish: Both of you acted with deliberate intent and this violation was blatant.
Seems like you have developed a trend to bail when life gets difficult: you seekout another man instead of working on your relationship. OP I am not telling u to stay with your “abusive” lover, but merely getting u to acknowledge that you need a man in your life. Nothing is stopping you from leaving your lover, you are choosing to stay with him. Hey you left your own husband without any thoughts or feelings so why is it so hard to leave your lover?
As for your ex hb it shows that good people do eventually win. Your hb kept his dignity, his morals and he is now reaping the benefits. I think you have done enough damage to him and he will never trust you again.
The wheel has turned and unfortunately there are no second chance: meaning no second chances with your ex hb. His life is with his new partner. This other woman is blessed to have a decent man and all his good qualities will actually make her a better person as well.
Your upgrade did not work out: you threw away a precious jewel for mere fools gold. Isn’t it funny how life turns out???
OP, if you want to show that you have changed as a person then stay out of your ex hbs life. Walk your own path and plse do not interfere in his. He now deserves all the happiness with his new love. You need to learn what is carnal lust and what is proper love. I think u learnt this the hard way?/
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, justlittleoldme +, writes (29 March 2012):
justlittleoldme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know i have been feeling sorry for myself amd i have been extremely weak.... and today i have decided to DO something about my situation. This amn and I dont actually live together as deep down i knew it wouldnt work out in the end so i had refused his suggestions to do so. Too many issues within the relationship. No.. the grass isnt greener on the other side and i have definitely learnt that lesson.. one i will never forget. I have also learnt that i should never make decisions guilt based as it is almost never the right choice to make. Thank you!!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 March 2012):
 There's a saying you can't unscramble an egg. No amount of crying and pining and regret will ever change what you did, and why.
The thing is -- you're still with him. Why does this guy have the power to "not let" you leave? Do you make your own money? Are you self sufficient? Can you live on your own?
If the answer is yes, then do so! No person has the ability to "make" another go or stay, and if he's violent and you fear for your safety, then you get friends, family, and law enforcement involved and move out.
His refusal to accept your being gone is a cop out on your part, because unless he's threatened you with bodily harm, his refusal is worthless. You had the power to throw your husband out of your house after you cheated on him (it should have been the other way around), yet you can't tell some guy to kiss off? Something's amiss here.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (28 March 2012):
 Hi
the grass is not always greener is it You have paid for your affair by losing your husband and his wife has lost hers It does not mean you have to stay with him He will want to so it validates the mess it caused his family
you must finish it do not listen to his pleas You have tried to make it work it doesnt which is common after an affair when the illicit thrills end
Dont see the point telling your Ex when he has found some happiness After you have split your Ex will work it out IF he wants to reconcile then you will know but let him come to you You hurt him badly
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