A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've had 3 serious relationships in my young life. Each time these relationships have ended I have been devastated. I put a lot of effort and energy in to making relationships work and when they don't work out I feel like I've failed. But I don't want to ask a question about break-ups, I want to ask about moving on.Every time a serious relationship has broken down for me it seems to take me a long time to recover. I dwell and I dwell and I dwell and I dwell. UNTIL, I meet somebody new and start a relationship with them and then I feel like I'm over my last partner.My concern is that this isn't the way it should be. Don't get me wrong, break ups don't effect my mood for very long. I may dwell on a relationship's end and I may find myself thinking about my ex unbidden throughout the day, but I still come across as a happy sort of guy. My problem is that I don't ever really feel like I've gotten over any of my ex's without the help of getting involved with somebody else. Is this normal? Can anyone relate to this? I feel like I shouldn't get involved with anybody else until I know I am 100% completely over an ex, but it works for me! Is that wrong? What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 You absolutely need to define how long is a "long time" for you.
You also need to define how it feels when you're over someone 100%. Because to get over someone 100% can take years. You cared deeply for this person, or even loved them. Naturally that feeling doesn't go away just because the relationship ended. And some might even want to be friends after the hurt has stopped. At what point are you over someone?
It does variate from person to person how long they need to recover from a break-up. But what is most important is that you feel that you are ready to love again. You can enter a relationship while still having feelings (both good or bad feelings) towards an ex. But you can't enter a relationship if your still hurting over the break-up, if you're still bitter about it, if you call your ex while drunk, if you can't stop thinking of them, if you don't have anything to offer your new partner that is. The other thing is that unless you've healed your heart you wont be able to give of yourself, but you will also be easily hurt. Because you're still so emotional about the last breakup, and you might end up taking it out on the new partner.
You feel yourself where your line goes, and when you are ready to give and love again, and risk your heart again.
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