A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im currently a 22 yr old uni student and lately ive been feeling pretty empty with the lack of a gf. ive spend the past two years in uni and not found one single person i might be interested in. I keep thinking that ill never find someone and I feel like i dont not understanding the "whole dating without expecting anything". To be honest ive never been in a REAL relationship (a few flings in high school and thats it) and uni has been more about working my ass off all night instead of hanging around with friends.I dont think im a horrible looking guy...in fact i get alot of compliments from close high school friends, and if i were to describe myself, it would prob be that im 'nice'. The one everyone knows as being nice and right (although i do vent my anger once in a while)It feels like everyone else has things going for them and im still stuck in my usual routine. I feel like i dont go out much, and if I do, its with a small group of uni or high school friends, with the occasional 21st here and there.So i guess the bottomline question is:Should I just go about being myself because everyone tells me im a nice confident guy? (guys have told me if they were a woman they would date me) There must be something about me that makes women categorise me straight into the 'friends' box. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskPru  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Hello again, relax. There's no need to rush around trying to find a girl. Opportunities to socialise will pop up and you can choose to accept or not depending on how you feel - likewise, you should carry out with your life and do the things you enjoy. Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Don't start reading self-help books or trawling the internet for ideas. Believe me, it will only make you more confused. I can relate some advice given to me by a male friend who was in a similar situation to you. He started by making small steps to gain confidence with the opposite sex. From these little acts, he eventually gained the right kind of confidence and is now happily married. This is his advice in a nutshell. Relax. Go to a coffee shop, take a book, buy a large drink, and seat yourself somewhere you can see the whole room. Occaisionally have a peek over the top of your book. Maybe you will catch the eye of a girl, if you do, smile! It sounds incredibly simple, but my friend said that he remained true to himself (being a bookworm) but gained a lot of confidence in projecting himself across a room and when the smile was returned the feeling was so good. I hope this little example helps - there's no need to put yourself under unnecessary stress. Good luck Pru x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for all your answers:) Really appreciated. Though I now have a new issue that im facing as im starting to try all the methods that im reading on the internet/youtube/here. It feels like as if im forcing myself to see that every girl i meet could be a possible date opportunity, and it feels kinda weird that im doing this kinda stuff, because i dont think im being true to myself as i am implementing all that im reading. What do you think?
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (21 February 2011):
Two things here (in no particular order)
1) Are you setting your standards too high?
2) probably the most relevant here - break out of your usual routine. It's easy to get stuck in a comfort zone but I think this is the way forward for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Hi there!First of all, I think you need to be clear about the problem here. In your message you say two very different things - first, that you can't find anyone you are interested in; second - that women categorize you as a 'friend' rather than 'potential partner'. First of all, you need to ask yourself: are you simply not meeting the right person (in which case it's not surprising if you have no chemistry with someone that they put you into the 'friend' category) or it is that you are meeting viable girls but something's going wrong with the way you approach them that ensures you're not hooking up? As for meeting the right person - I think you have to be a little proactive here. I know it's hard to find Miss Right, but you can increase your chances by figuring out the type of interests you'd like to share with your ideal partner and going to the kind of event or class that she'd attend. For instance, if you're keen on great food, why not take a cookery class and see if there are women there who share your passion? Or join a sports club with an active social events calendar, or whatever! If there's something wrong with the hook up part - i.e. you're meeting nice girls but they never seem interested - maybe reconsider your tactics. Maybe you're shy and this is making you come over as uninterested. Maybe you're nervous and this is making you seem off-hand - it could be any number of little things that are sending messages that mark you as 'off limits'. It is unfortunately still the expectation of the majority of women that the men will do the pursuing and hunting down in these situations, and maybe you're not... and as a consequence, you just don't seem like you're that interested. (Don't ask me why this is still the case in 2011 - it's a bit sexist and a bit old-fashioned, but it seems to be the expectation nonetheless). Above all, don't despair. You're really young still! Many people don't have their first serious relationship until their late 20s. So don't worry!
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A
female
reader, AskPru +, writes (21 February 2011):
Hello, thanks for writing.
Firstly, what comes through strongly from your letter, is the fact that you are not looking for a casual fling, but a proper relationship. At this point you can breathe a sigh of relief and relax. It is much, much easier to find and have meaningless flings than find a truly lovely girlfriend who is devoted to you. Unfortunately, the side effect of not having someone to share your life with, is an achy, empty, yearning feeling - you are not alone. There's probably a lovely girl out there who's experiencing this right now!
Nice is a perfectly good thing to be. Being nice does not consign you to the friends box. You must stop questioning who you are. Don't ask your friends for approval, you do not need it.
It's great to hear you are a hard worker, but the reality is that you must try to find a work-play balance in your life. You should try to socialise as much as possible (without failing your exams) and if you meet someone you like, definately ask them out for a coffee (the ideal casual first date). Dating is the most innocent first step towards a relationship - and even if no relationship comes from it - dates give you confidence. I am going to suggest something else ... you shouldn't think the only way to meet a girl in on a night out with friends ... girls are everywhere! There are girls walking about bookshops, sitting on buses etc. When I was young, I was asked out by boys in public places and I usually went for a coffee. Why? I was flattered and I was so impressed by the boy's confidence. Of course, it is very important to chat to the girl before deciding if you should take the next step. If she is not interested, there's no harm done. There is a girl out there for you and although you cannot control when and where you meet her ... you can create more opportunities.
Finally, it is possible to be 22 years old and still not have found someone you are interested in. Falling in love has nothing to do with age!
Good luck! Pru x
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