A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I need help from someone who has been through this life crisis before, and has time to read my story! My wife and I married in our late 20s, thinking we both knew what we wanted, and although we didn’t have a whirlwind passionate romance, we thought of we were better being together than apart. We have now been married 20 years, and over the years I have become increasingly restless, flirting with other women, and thinking “the grass is probably greener” outside the marriage. We increasingly argue at home, and our eldest child has now left for college - soon it will be just us - I don’t look forward to it. The bust-ups have been getting worse, but I have stopped from leaving home in the past because of children (now almost grown up) and the good lifestyle we have built up. Why would I be as mad as to threaten what looks so good if you look in from the outside? But I have now caused huge damage - last year I met a lovely single lady at a musical event, and we just clicked immediately. We laughed at the same things, loved each other’s company, enjoyed the same activities, and found each other very attractive. Inevitably, we fell in love and a physical side to our relationship gradually developed, but the main bond was emotional and loving, something I found hard to find at home. I was starting to feel very guilty about this illicit friendship, and I told her I couldn’t leave my children at this stage of my life, and we would have to be “just friends”. Try as we did though, we could just never the just-friends thing - our emotional bond was too strong. Of course the inevitable happened, after 6 months of the relationship my wife found out just before Christmas, and is incredibly hurt (which I absolutely understand, am sorry for but know I entirely caused). I have now agreed to have no contact at all with my girlfriend/mistress in order to keep my wife (a reasonable rule from her perspective). Now a previously un-fulfilled marriage has become a disaster area - my wife (she must be a saint) wants to try and make it work, but is very miserable, and in many ways so do I, but I am now missing dreadfully my girlfriend, and what could have been with her. She is missing me terribly too, and has asked me not to contact her because it causes her such pain. Can love just be ignored and will I just forget her if I focus back on my marriage (we are trying to make an effort, but it is more going through the motions), or should I bow to the strong emotional pull and abandon my wife and family for the girlfriend? On the one hand I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wishing I was somewhere else, but on the other it would seem to be very selfish to abandon a wife and family purely for my own personal happiness... What comes first? How does anyone ever decide? Thank you for any insights from anyone who has been in a similar place. Part of me says stay at home, and don’t be an old fool and go through the pain that all seem to endure when going through separation and divorce, and the other part just longs to be with my girlfriend. Help!
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female
reader, happyholly +, writes (31 January 2008):
Be very careful the longer you leave things the worse the pain gets for all. your words I CANT DECIDE....... it may be that they decied in the end your wife may leave you and your girlfriend. Good luck and true love is just knowing.
Hollyx
A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (31 January 2008):
 If you don't love your wife, get out. Because in the long run, your hurting your wife and children more. Do your kids want a happy dad or a sad dad?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): I had a 10 year affair with a married man (I am also married). That affair ended after years of emotional torture with him never leaving his wife and even having children with her along the way - why did I put up with it - oh I certainly learnt! Anyway it took a decent single man to come into my life and show me what emotional freedom really is. I moved out from the marital home and lived on my own for a year - living with neither husband or lover. I'd like to say this breather helped me have a clearer decision but, down to circumstances of my boyfriend / lover then moving a long way away from the area I took the 'easy' financial / secure option of moving back in with my husband. My husband wanted us to try. 12 months on and I have spent a miserable, emotionless, empty time living with him. He has not tried or made an effort and continues to be the control freak and emotionally abusive. I think we have both lost all sense of wanting to try. I now wish I had moved away with my boyfriend - taken the leap of faith. I still have that choice actually so I am kind of in the same boat as you (although I have no children). It sounds as though your children are old enough (or nearly) to understand what is happening and may soon be independent themselves. This is often the time couples split as there is nothing to keep them together. If your wife came home and said she was leaving you (which would possibly be a shock) would you care? If you did not have your girlfriend would you feel the same way anyway about your marriage? Would you be pleased if she left you? Ask yourself some soul searching questions. Someone once said to me "Easier isn't always better". Maybe staying put is easier. If you feel getting a breather to work things out would help you - to be able to look equally at both relationships - have you considered a gap year or maybe shorter for adults, long travel break or simply a few weeks somewhere on your own or with a friend? Sometimes these kind of things can help you see life differently or just get you away from a 'stuck' situation to make a decision. I hope I've helped. You may make the wrong decision before you make the right one - but I wish you happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
My first husband had an affair with a woman at work, Our relationship wasnt very good the children were young, we had met at 17 and were married by 19, He showed a lack of excitment for us, We couldnt just sit with a bottle of wine and candles and talk crap and make love because as far as he was concerned his life had become boring... Wife children, morgage , and bills. Even though he had a good solid job the morgage was very low as we built our house on my land this was still a burden to him and he was miserable so very miserable. My cup is half full no matter how rough things get his cup was most definatly half empty.
He took our son to his girlfriends not realising that children see and hear and know whats going on. And all this time I did the lunch at 12 I did the dinner at 5 even though it bored the pants of me because this is how he wanted it. I wanted fun nights in nights out just plain old fashioned fun like we had in the begining...But it never changed he carried on seeing more than just one lady friend, And I decided in the end that it was pretty much over and to go with the flow for the children for awhile going out on my own with friends and having a great time, Then I just realised I was no longer inlove, He had brought his ladyfriend to our home and told me to be polite, I couldnt belive my ears but I played along and she was oh so lovely to me, He was trying to impress her and I was supposed to take it, its his work assistant so I did the shutting up and 2 days later I left. He was devistated he wanted us to try again he was sorry he was everything I had wanted him to be for 13yrs I had flowers chocolates his time, But it had gone hunny to much water under the bridge. My children have now grown and he said to our son 2 weeks ago when he took him out for lunch I still love your mum you no. 12yrs later he hasnt found anyone to spend his life with, oh a few here and there, Hunny the grass does always look greener on the other side but its not the colour hunny its the depth, When did you last show your wife the side of you your girlfriend saw, If you can answer that then you no why it went comunication is the key, children morgages work and bills a lifetime of decition making a girlfriend to have a good time with and no resposabilitys yes its easier the latter, I hope you find happiness sweetheart there is alot for you to think about I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Hi,
Reading your story was like my real life story, and I am probably not the person you would have been hoping to hear from (I was the girlfriend, in my story).
Our situation, was so simular to your its uncanny. Except we met at work and he is my boss.
Like you my partner had done fairly well for himself (nice house,nice car, mostly paid for), and my ex and I also had a lovely house.
In the end, we gave up everything to be together. You have no idea what we went through. The guilt at hurting our partners, even though they never showed love while we were with them. But they were still devastated, and that was the awfull thing in the situation.
Also the children. Mine were ok, but one of his has never excepted me, and probably never will. The other is fine about it.
My ex has moved on and excepts we were not happy. He has a new girlfriend, thats one of my mates and we get on OK now. His ex wife however has been awfull, she has been spitefull minipulating and will not except that he is with me. She still holds out hope they will get back together, even though its 3 years down the line.
We now live in a tiny 1 bedroom flat, and have nothing really to show for all the hard work that we did in the past. But do you know what!! we both wake up every morning, smiling at each other. Sure we have our problems, and arguments, mostly fulled by his ex.
But there is not a day that goes by, that I dont thank my lucky stars I am with him. I am still so loved up with him its untrue. I am staring at him now, he is so cute to me.
Life without love is nothing.
So its your choice. I hope I didnt bore you too much
XX
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