A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I met someone 2/12 years ago; she deals with negativity, maybe bi-polar but will not see a doctor. May also suffer from menopause. Always seems to just focus on looking at things from negative perspective which is frustrating, rarely has anything nothing good to say. Claims she loves me but is verbally abusive and thinks everyone hates her. She argues all the time and never seems to have a basis for it. Claims she loves me but I do not really see it in her actions, just words whenever I end it she comes running back. I have sacrificed for her, moved out of state to be with her and help her financially. Supported her business dreams by getting it registered and doing all the accounting and legal work, but I am in the process of shutting it down, not much help from her plus we are kind of done. Don’t ever really see her having my back. I have helped her children financially and in other ways but they hate my guts and have even tried to physically attack me, their dad did suffer from mental illness. She has children in their 20's that cannot seem to function for themselves, she is like a salve for them but very little support for me, maybe she is drained as she works several jobs and the children run her raged! She appears controlling and calculating. When I open up to her about my feelings it’s like she stomps on it and always twits thing into something very negative and not reflective of the situation. She denies wrong doing when I am ready to leave but when we are in the relationship and an issue comes up she denies everything and twist things/blame around on me. Last December after we broke up she was in the process of leaving and for no reason other than needing me to be removed from the house so her family could come in and help her move, since I do not get along with them, she calmly when to the police station after me texting her a piece of scripture from a mentor of mine that thought it would be helpful to the situation, and went and got PFA because I texted her. The previous night I was pouring my heart out to her about t how Ii loved her begging her not to leave, when I pour out my heart to hear she feels the need to drive pain. I cannot get past the PFA that she filed just to have me removed then after she was gone told me she was sorry, and came running back 2 times, she used to be a clerk for a judge. We are estranged now but historically she would usually come begging for me to take her back as she is facing financial hard times. I do love her, she claims to be reading her bible yet her heart appears to be hard and don’t se her apply much of any of the principles in it, just talk and being religious. Negatively runs in her family and she also admits it, not baring possible menopause and bi-polar which again she will not seek medical help. If she comes begging for me to take her back on one hand I don’t want to and on the other I never want to see her suffer financially as she is an older woman in her mid 50's and I am 48. not sure what I should do as I am not perfect , but I have always put her well being first and would do and have done anything to try and make her life better as I see how hard she works and it has been very hard for her over the last 15 years.There is a lot of pride, negatively and stubbornness that she possesses!She keeps telling me I am a good man when I am ready to end it but I do not see much wanting to change her behavior.What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): people who are negative all the time just bring you down and make you as unhappy and as miserable as they are get out whilst you still got the energy
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2012):
 Stop flogging the dead horse.
Being in a relationship can be hard at times, but it shouldn't be this uphill battle constantly.
She is a grown up and needs to start taking care of herself and YOU need to realize that you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome, it's just not going to happen.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 You say you are currently estranged. Are you trying to find ways to get back together with her, or ways to 'fix' things?
I think you should let sleeping dogs lie and move on out of her sphere of influence, just accept there is no happiness or joy for you if you remain under her influence. You've got the chance, so run!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): You need to GET OUT of this relationship NOW. And never look back.
talk is cheap. she claims she loves you but her actions clearly show she does not. She has reasons for not loving you - which is, her life is too messed up that all she can focus on is her own problems. She's incapable of giving love to you in a healthy way because she is very dysfunctional.
she is never going to be relationship-material. She looks to intimate relationships as a means to an end, i.e. for her to get a slave to help her out financially and through daily struggles. It's all about her personal benefit.
She needs more than a bible. She needs professional counseling. She needs to do some really tough work to change her own thoughts and behaviors. And she won't do this if she doesn't 'have' to. And she won't "have" to if you're always there doing her bidding no matter how she treats you. If she is ever going to change, she has to experience the consequences of her present behavior. And she won't if there are none because you keep staying with her forgiving everything she does.
and what about you? how is this affecting you? Your self esteem is torn down, and you have a sour taste in your mouth concerning this whole relationship. This is a very unhealthy way for you to live.
you need to end this relationship. If she is in a life or death emergency you can still be a nice guy and help her out. but there is no reason you have to give her money all the time or continue being her daily partner when it's all a one way street not a real partnership.
People won't change if they don't have to. And they won't have to if you keep accepting everything they do and going along with it despite how upset you are.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 You've gone the extra mile for this relstionship but it's just not working. There's little more you can do now, so i think it's time to end it as amicably as you can.
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