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male
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anonymous
writes: iam 30, and masturbate almost daily for past 16yrs. problem is dat i find it very difficult to cum in my girl. been dating her for 4yrs. she disvirgined me. she has to suck my nipple while i make luv to her b4 i may cum. why? i need your help.tee jay Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): sexual insecurity is a mainly your issue, you need to become sexually dominant,
A
female
reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (9 November 2006):
 Well i recommend not jerking off youself for a few days and then trying to have sex... give yourself a break maybe? It might be a mental frustration or fear. Like fear of impregnating her that could also be a contributing factor. But lay off the hand jobs and leave the pleasing to your woman for a little while
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A
female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (9 November 2006):
The best way to come inside your girlfriend is to sit on a hard back chair, get her to sit on your hard penis and let her ride you while you sit still. It always works so give it a try.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 November 2006):
 One more thing: this can also be caused by medication, typically anti depressants although also high blood pressure medication can cause it
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (9 November 2006):
I had the same thing. Still do, although less and less.
You should google 'retarded ejaculation' and 'delayed ejaculation'. Lots of good articles are out there.
What it comes down to I think is understanding that physical stimulation is not enough. Unless you feel aroused enough in your mind, you won't orgasm. There are several reasons why this can happen:
- You have a fear of letting go. This can happen if you are generally a tightly controlled person, and have difficulty letting go and allowing your emotions to take over. Think about whether you are emotionally blocked and live mostly in your mind rather than in your emotions.
- You tend to step outside yourself and watch. Rather than 'being in the moment' you can end up jumping into the rational part of you mind and thinking too much. Stuff like 'am I doing this right', 'is she turned on', or 'oh no, i'm going to not orgasm' and so on. You can be a spectator of yourself. The trick here is to stop thinking and just feel. Be an animal.
- You have negative associations with sex. Guilt, bad sexual experiences, religeous conditioning, and so on, can create blocks. Somewhere inside you a voice is saying 'no stop this is wrong'. This can also happen if you had a previous relationship where you had to hold back your sexual urges a lot because of your partner.
- You are not attracted to your partner. Part of you doesn't want to orgasm because you don't want to make her pregnant. You'll know in your heart whether this is the case or not.
- It can also happen because of too much porn. Porn is HIGHLY visually stimulating, plus you can exert a lot of exactly the right pressure with your hand. A real woman can just not be enough of a turn on, combined with the comparatively looser grip of her vagina. Fortunately this is the easiest to fix as all you need to do is lay off the porn and the imagery and physical associations soon fade. If you're using porn, just stop for a while and see if the problem goes away.
It's not as an uncommon a problem as you might think.
The other thing you need to do is make sure you tell your girlfriend that it is not her fault. She is probably feeling inadequate, unsexy and in some way responsible for you not climaxing. She will most likely feel it is her fault in some way. In the most caring way you can, tell her that you love having sex with her and that she is sexy and really turns you on, and that this is your issue. Talk about this with her and have it as an open issue on the table, and not the elephant in the corner of the room that you both ignore.
Once you understand it a bit better (ie what is the underlying issue) she can probably help you with it too. 'Sensate focus' technique is what is most commonly proscribed by sex therapists for this situation, and this involves a lot of help from your partner.
It's one of those strange problems that doesn't seem like a problem until it happens to you. Men like the idea of being able to 'go for hours' but in reality this can be really unpleasant and frustrating.
Good luck, your issue is very fixable with a bit of thought and effort in the right direction.
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