A
male
age
36-40,
*anngrisnir
writes:So I am yet another person who has retroactive jealousy. It has bothered me for about 7 months now, on a daily basis. I broke the bank by going to therapy but it proved essentially useless. I do have OCD and am trying to remedy that with various medications.My girlfriend was my first, I am her third. She volunteered, and continues to volunteer stories from her past. One time, we went out with some friends of hers, and this guy named "Dean" was being very obsequious and buying me drinks. Later in the week, she said, "Dean and I have a past." I felt pretty humiliated, and it made sense why he was being so awkwardly friendly.Anyway, it's a vicious cycle. It seems to have gotten less intense since the initial phase. My girlfriend tried to make me feel better by saying the other guys were lowlifes, terrible in bed, and the bearers of small penises. She hates that I'm upset by her past and told me I was controlling for being bothered by it. It's really not about control so much as insecurity and envy. It's also not so much her past that's upsetting, but rather my lack of one. I feel like I missed out on something (I was raised in a religious cult, hence why I waited so long to become sexually active. I no longer am a believer.) Also, it really digs at me that while I was sitting around repressed and lonely, some guy was enjoying the hell out of my future girlfriend.However, those issues don't really bother me as much as this one, which I would say is the single biggest problem in the relationship: I have only climaxed 3 times in the entire 6 months that we have been having sex. She gets off almost every time we have sex, and very quickly, too. I tend to think that this is because I can't clear my mind of images from the past and just let go and enjoy it. However, this is a major problem for me and I feel like a deflated failure, I can't help but comparing myself to those other guys and wondering how much they must have enjoyed sex with my gf.The question? Can this relationship work or is it doomed?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 It can work, but as you already know, OCD has a very strong connection to severe retroactive jealousy. You're going to have to tackle your OCD to also beat your retroactive jealousy most likely.
OCD takes time. Your relationship may not survive that long, and it may not help you in recovering either.
If you've not read this, please do:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): What relationship? All she got is a "friend with benefits".
Therapy is useless. And "retroactive jealousy" is a far more common problem than outlandish cuckolding fetishists will admit (the only ones who do not seem to suffer from it).
Most people suffer from RJ... Whether they admit it or not.
Unpopular, yet ultimate, solution: you leave her and marry a virgin. You won't find a better solution, guaranteed.
The alternative? Wait to be dumped by her for someone who is better in bed. She already badmouthed her exes (and you even in your presence!), what EXACTLY makes you think you are special to her? One day she'll spread the lie that you were controlling and insecure, whereas it's SHE that is insecure and must badmouth you to boost her nonexistent self-esteem. Do you really want such a girl? I wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole, for sure.
Save yourself the pain and dump her. On the spot. Or even deliberately start sucking in bed (for her) and let her delude herself that SHE dumped YOU. Do not worry, she won't stick around very much as she's in this "relationship" only for the sex.
You'll find more attractive girls in your life, some of whom with a MUCH better personality. Trust me on that one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): Your sexual pasts do not match very well. She is more experienced and seems to be more sexual as a whole. Pasts that don't match are usually a reflection of people who are different.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (2 September 2010):
 I am where you are, but probably worse. I do suffer from OCD, or at least an OCD personality. My days are spent, literally, obsessing over my fiance's ex-girlfriend. I, too, am his third while he is my first and only. His ex isn't who he lost his virginity to, but it's who he's been with the most other than me. It sticks with me because, unlike he and I, their relationship was not a good one. It was somewhat abusive, even. She was very manipulative and condescending. They constantly fought and would break up and make up. She cheated on him several times, and was very controlling, irrational, emotional, and immature. She was big into drugs and alcohol and would lie to him all the time about getting clean. He would try and rid her of them, but then she would go behind his back to do them. She also threatened suicide and self-harm a number of times if he ever tried to leave her.
He told me when we first began dating that the only reason he stayed with her was for the sex. As our relationship grew, he admitted that it wasn't because of that, but for a plethora of other reasons. However, just recently, I was speaking to his mother about these irrational fears of mine, and she told me that, as a young man (18-20) that he did crave sex, and that every time they would fight or he would go to break up with her, she would give him head as a way of manipulating him. Because I pried so much into their relationship, he's also once told me that she liked to think of herself as great at giving head, but that he hated every second of it. All of these facts mind-boggle me, and I'm trying to find my way through the insecurity, doubt, and jealousy.
Although you say that this issue of yours, or ours, is not a matter of control, I do have to disagree. The only reason you're obsessing over this is the fact that you cannot, no matter how hard you try, control her past. Period. You can't control anything about it other than what you can formulate to be true in your own mind. So you will ponder, you will analyze, you will overthink, and you will piece together every single aspect of what you know about her past in order to gain some sense of control over it. Believe me, I've been there. If you can know everything, you can control your feelings towards it, am I right? Maybe you can even "justify" her actions, even though there's no telling what was going through her head back then. Maybe these men were perfect lovers, but you will never know because she's telling you they're not. Maybe they were absolute trash in bed like she says, but you will never know until you can somehow verify these facts as true.
I've been where you are, and I've suffered for over a year because of it. I'm trying my hardest to get past it as well. If you'd like to discuss anything, please don't hesitate to message me. I'm 21, not judgemental, and promise to be open to anything you have to say. Take care.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (2 September 2010):
 This relationship can work if you let go of her past, if you obsess about it...its going to fail.
Remember this: she loves you, not them. She's with you, not them.
Yes she had sex with them...but she didn't know you then. She had no idea she was going to meet you. She did nothing wrong.
Lets say you two do fail, lets say you get in a different relationship with a virgin, you two get hot and heavy and she asks if you have ever slept with anyone before. You say, yeah, my ex girlfriend. she gets pissed at your past. Do you think that's fair?
I say this, because I want you to step into her shoes. There is nothing you can have her do about her past, its unchangeable. you also probably knew she had a past when you got involved, therefore you can't suddenly get mad at her now.
I know its hard to get images out of your head, but you must try. When that is happening, you two having sex, this about the moment and how great it is being that close to her. Think about the intimacy and how lucky you are to have her in your life.
It also sounds like she wants you to know her past and be honest with you sooner than you finding out later. I'm sure you would have been upset if you found out Dean and her had a history from someone other than her. She did the right thing by telling you, now its how you respond to that.
Do the mature thing and move forward. Those guys had her once upon a time, you have a chance of having her for the rest of your life if you want.
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