A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused0620
writes:I am very confused and need help. I have been married for almost ten years. About fours years after we were married I became pregnant and was blessed with a beautiful daughter. Unfortunately, I became very ill during the pregnancy and almost died when she was born. The road to recovery was long and hard, and during that time my husband drifted further and further away. Our marriage became very strained (no communication, sleeping in separate rooms, I felt like I was raising our daughter alone. I began talking quite a bit with a male friend of mine as he was having marital problems as well. I am ashamed to admit that I began having an affair that has continued for almost three years now. I feel so torn because I know I should never started this relationship, but yet no matter how many times I try to cut this man out of my life I have not been strong enough to ends things. My husband knows about my affair but still insists to make our marriage work. I have asked my husband for a divorce, but he refuses to discuss it. I have gone to a lawyer but just can't bring myself to file for divorce. I don't know what to do, neither of these men deserve this sort of disrespect. One part of me wants to spend my life with the man who listened and supported me during the though times. He's a great guy but if I make that choice my family threatens to cut me out of their life, and I fear that my daughter (who I love with all of my heart) will never forgive me when she's older. I know what I've done is wrong, it is something I struggle with everyday. At this point I do not know where to turn - I have so many people that want such different things, I am being pulled in so many directions. Please give advice....
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female
reader, confused0620 +, writes (2 July 2007):
confused0620 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I know I have made many mistakes, the biggest being that I turned to someone else rather than forcing my husband to open up and talk about what had happened. I have been in counseling and asked my husband to go, which he refused. The man I began seeing is divorced and has no children. I thank you again for your responses - it helps to have an outsiders opinion to help push you in the right direction. I will distance myself from the other man and focus on becoming stronger and clearing my head. My daughter is and always will be my first priority... Take care.
A
male
reader, pantelis0383 +, writes (30 June 2007):
Never tell your daughter the reason you broke up..She will hate you.And break up.You should have thought the respect part before acting.Think before you act.The marriage had ended. full stop.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (30 June 2007):
 You sound like you mean what you say and realize what you did was wrong. It also happens all the time. I give your husband credit for wanting to work this out, that' would be tough for his pride.
You've already figured out how this happened. Too chummy with a man, thinking you could discuss personal information too much, convincing yourself he was just a nice guy etc. The problem is this, you haven't tried to work on your marriage because this guy is in your way. Get rid of him. You can't convince yourself you're working on the marriage with this guy waiting in the wings. He takes your attention off the marriage.
Also, what about his wife and kids? They also deserve some consideration. This all comes down to determination. If you can't fix the marriage, move on. You shouldn't be chasing another women's husband though. That would indicate that despite all you say, there is still a lack of integrity on your part as well as his.
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (29 June 2007):
 The first priority should be your husband and daughter, have you ever thought that maybe with everything you went through, through your pregnancy and giving birth that it may well of had a major impact on your husband, have you talked to him about how this affected him.
Maybe you could talk to him and discuss the option of getting some marriage counselling and trying to repair your marriage and if that does not work at least all of your family will see that you put the effort in and tried everything you could, rather than falling into another mans arms, and giving up on your marriage.
If your lover loves you that much he will give you the space you need to try and save your marriage, and leave well alone which is what he should have done in the first place.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): You sound like you are being pulled in so many different directions, I think you should get a diviorce it doesnt sound like he makes you happy at all, but I would spend some time with just you and your daughter just to get your head together if the other man really cares for you he will wait, if not your better of on your own, good luck for the future whatever you decide. xxxx
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