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female
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anonymous
writes: Two things: Firstly, I have been let down so much by people lately in the form of lying to me, including members of my own family, that I feel very angry and find it difficult trusting anyone at the moment, and I am worried that it could destroy my chances with a guy that I really like.My Mum kindly invited this guy I like to our party on New Year’s Eve, but he declined saying he was abroad (I don’t know whether this guy was lying about his whereabouts - see below - or whether my lack of trust is the issue here - I think it is probably the latter as he seems very genuine. I must say I can be very sensitive and took this decline of the invitation as a rejection of me, even though he has hinted that he likes me). However, despite saying he was abroad, I was shocked to see his car outside a neighbour’s house today (they were holding a party). I have already worked out if it was possible for him to have flown back from where he was - it was - my behaviour of checking up on him like this worries me as I have never been like this before. Is this behaviour normal in checking out whether someone is trustworthy or not? I have never been this stringent with potential partners before so why am I being like it now?The second thing that shocks me is that the man whose house he was at was someone who was abusive towards my sister in an unprovoked episode, and I can’t believe this guy I like would have anything to do with this person, except that this person is an influential member of the community. The thing that slightly concerns me is that I feel that this guy I like seems to be socialising only with the wealthy members of the community and I know I don’t measure up to that because I am very poor. I can’t believe he would be shallow like that but, none-the-less, these thoughts pop into my head from time to time (I know that if he is shallow then he is not worth bothering with). I just feel that I am constantly testing this guy I like to see if he is worth getting involved with (I am worried about getting hurt again) instead of throwing caution to the wind and just going for it.Nevertheless, despite my being poor, this guy has hinted that he likes me but he has been quiet lately since he said this. I think that despite his outgoing nature, he can be quite shy at times and is waiting for a clear signal from me that I like him, so how do I give him a clear, but not too obvious, signal that I like him without appearing desperate? I feel rejected by this guy I like because he has been in the area but hasn’t been to see me, but that is totally irrational of me to feel like that because I haven’t told him how much I like him - I seem to expect him to be a mind-reader! Ironically and weirdly I also feel rejected because I wasn’t invited to this party. This man who was unpleasant to my sister seems to invite only the wealthy and influential members of the community, and for me to not be invited (even though I have always been very dignified towards him despite the way he treated my sister) just makes me feel even more inadequate.So, there are lots of issues here that I need to sort out. Ultimately though, I am very confused and I need to get these feelings sorted out before I can even think about going out with someone. I feel like I am being totally irrational and thinking the most ridiculous things. How do I break down these barriers so that I can be free to love someone?Help me please!
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female
reader, AgonyAuntsonEBAY +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Hi there. You poor thing. I had an unfaithful husband so I know what it feels like about not trusting people (he sh*gged my best mate at the time). You are just trying to protect yourself from being hurt again - perfectly normal behaviour.I think it is great that you are 'eyeing up' potential partners and that your Mum is being helpful.This guy may have had all kinds of reasons for declining - do not take it personally. After all, the trip abroad may have fallen through or he might have flown back.The chances are that he knows nothing of the abusive episode or your bank balance.He probably does not feel able to call at your home when he is in the area as he does not know you well enough yet.You were probably not invited to your neighbour's house because of what happened with your sister. Well done for remaining dignified. Incidentally if he is in politics, you could report his behaviour - contact the council for details.The next time you see him, you can casually ask him about his trip abroad. Write down what you would like to chat about. Having something planned can help reduce anxiety in these situations and should help you come across as friendly and confident. Ask him questions about whatever you have in common - and go for it. You could try touching his arm or gazing into his eyes. Just take your time and have fun. I hope things work out for you. x
A
female
reader, kitykat +, writes (3 January 2006):
this guy isnt worth the bother from what your saying take a few days away anywhere a friends or somewhere cheap and have fun but you do need to have time away to clear your head
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