A
female
age
51-59,
*anelliliz
writes:What do I do with this relationship of thirteen years?My ongoing saga with my bf played out on a night we were out for a couple of drinks last week when on the way home he suggested going to another bar. We were having a good time talking to a couple of guys who were in town working. Then the bartender(who is in her early twenties and my bf is 50) from the other bar where we just had come from came in. She has waited on us a few times and we watched her sing with her band one night when she had told me about it. Anyways my bf buys her a drink. I didn't have a problem with that. As she walks over to our where we are at the bar my bf is going to buy her another one. She tells him she'll take care of it which to me shows she is more mature than he. A little while later she mentions she has a bruise and my bf who has his back to me mentions her showing it to them(them being the two guys we were sitting next to) and she replies that she'd have to take her pants off to do that. I was pissed that he would humiliate and embarass me like that. I know how or can pretty much guess how he acts when he goes on his boat to the beach as I mentioned in my previous question (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-end-this-long-term-relationship.html) as he gets drunk there, too. But did I think he'd actually behave like that in front of me? Not really! I can't get it out of my head and I haven't had him down to my house since. He says he'll apologize to her, like that is going to make me feel any better. And yes, he said he was sorry he let me down. Yeah, whatever. What to do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 August 2012):
 So you stay invested in a relationship that has all sorts of drama purely because you have put in 12 years?
So how will you feel in 13 years? 14 years?
Will being in the relationship longer help it improve?
He puts you down. Is that code for: he's verbally abusive?
He says you'll miss him (when he dies). You cry, I expect you cry a lot.
Don't you realize you do deserve better?
A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (2 August 2012):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have considered ending the relationship many times. There aren't too many alternatives where I live. Being alone might be preferable, but it is hard to break away after that long. I often tell him I think he would be happier with someone younger and let them deal. He has told me several times that I will miss him when he's gone, but of course, he means when he dies. We were getting past his verbally putting me down when we argue and then he goes and does that. It doesn't do much for one's ego. When I think about it I cry. Thank you for your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 August 2012):
He's had 13 years to learn how to be a part of a couple. He has a drinking problem. He's dependent on alcohol to provide him entertainment and release. If his only good quality is that he pays for everything for you, (as you wrote in the other post, that was the only good quality you mentioned there) perhaps that's not enough to compensate for his shortcomings. Which appear to be doing as much damage to his liver as possible and avoiding your wrath as he enjoys flirting with other women.
What to do?
Um, have you considered finding a new boyfriend, one who doesn't need to have an alcohol IV to think life is worth living?
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A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (2 August 2012):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response. It was funny and insightful at the same time! I have to say though that after 13 years he ought to be getting the committed couple thing. And at 50 he ought to be more mature. Just my luck! Even if you're drunk, I think you know if you're crossing a line.
You are more generous than I, haha!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 August 2012):
 If I had a dime for every time my b/f said or did something that totally offended me while we were out drinking, I'd be a rich woman. Having said that, some men have a hard time seeing themselves in a committed relationship when marriage isn't involved. In their mind, anything is still open to them. And you couple that with alcohol and there's no telling what they'll say or do. Especially when out with their buddies. Take him up on his apology. Tell him it was disrespectful and that better be the last time he acts like that around other women. And having said that, since you've never seen what he's like when he's out with the guys, you just now got a glimpse. Use it as an opportunity to set some boundaries. Better yet, go with him a few times. Why should he always go without you? It may take him awhile to learn how to be a couple. So don't give up on him just yet. Good luck.
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