A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my partner of over 15 years used to hit me and verbally abuse me. but over the last 7 years he had not really hit me anymore as i got stronger and would leave him for long periods of time. and he said that hes changed now and wont hit me anymore but recently he punched me twice when he was drunk and was saying some very cruel things. i cant believe he has hit me like this when he has not done this in a long time. does this mean that he hasnt really changed at all? i thought he had learnt his lesson.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): I know it's so easy for most of us to come on here and say leave him. When someone has endured abuse; it's usually because,weither they want to admit it or not, a small part of them thinks that is all they deserve.
I know as I have had three abusive relationships of varying degrees. I have made these choices because what was modelled to me in my childhood by my abusive family.
My choices, especially my last one, was because I wanted him to be the one that would redeem all my past relationships with my birth family and ex husbands.
I believed his lies about who he was and when lie after lie was revealed; I did not want to accept that he was not who he pretended to be. I wanted the man he said he was. I did not want to let him go. Two and some years later; after wanting out but because of my love for some man that did not exsists, for those brief moments when he could be that man-it was all worth it.
I lied to myself. I allowed this man to hurt me and my family by his lies. He made promises and broke them which devastated me as I wanted to believe in him, in his words-that he meant them.
This is exactly the same cycle my birth mom would do to me as a child. She would beat me drunk and sober, apologize and say she loved me and she didn't want to hurt me, I believed her (she was telling me the truth), but then would do it all over again. From age 3 to 12, over and over and over.
Two years and I was doing this over and over again with the Ex BF. I believed him, wanted to.
My Dad said he may have wanted to change, wanted to be what I need, that it sounded so easy but the BF was incapable of it because he didn't know how to be it. I should not sacrifice my health and well being to try to teach him how to be. He either knows how to be in a healthy adult realtionship or he doesn't and guess what, he doesn't.
It hurt to let go of him because it was letting go of all those years of abuse from all my relationships.
I am now on the road to recovery and healing and feeling happier with myself.
I'm putting myself and my family first. This is where my freedom and happiness is from.
It's easy for someone to say leave him, but I know it's a hard thing to do, when you have given so much of yourself into the relationship you don't want to abandon and give up on yourself-not him-yourself because that is all anyone else has ever done.
You need to go to someone you can trust to help you recover and heal and get stronger so you can make healthier choices.
Surround yourself with a support system and seek counselling.
*hugs*
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): Absolutely no excuse for this behaviour. Dump him and have nothing more to do with him. He's bad news. Get rid of him before he does you some REAL damage.Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): There is a reason why sometimes he can't control his emotions and you threatening to leave him isn't going to address that cause. It is not about him "learning his lesson". When a man has got to a point where they are angry and out of control of their emotions the physical violence happens instinctively and things have gone way to far for it to be a conscious action.
Your partner needs professional help if he wants to control his anger - this will probably involve him challenging some of the beliefs about himself and his past; not an easy thing to do. It takes time and a lot of determination.
That said, this route should be your next goal. You need though to bare in mind that him not controlling his anger goes way back when he was younger, it is more than than simply a mistake he happens to make now and then.
You will only really know if he has changed when he has been in therapy and can talk insightfully about what used to make him punch you, and how things have changed in his head. Until he has this insight available, he will not have changed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): I think the question is less "will he do it again?" but more "do you want to live in fear of him doing it again?" I think everyone has the right to change and people can but how long do you give it. You obviously care very much for this man and have stuck at it for a long time - but be prepared to draw a line in the sand. Set a time limit within which he must address his problems. Leave him alone during that time but do not sit and wait. Maintain your own social network and get out there and have fun. You are currently a prisoner - always putting his problems and issues first. He must take the lead and sort it out. You probably have said that was the last time so many times that he knows you will always be there for him. You are not responsible for him. Adult relationships are about equality. Give this one last go but make sure it is exactly that. The years go by.....
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A
female
reader, Emma_Australila_1983  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 I speak from personal experience that unfortunately, if someone just says they've got better, it's very rarely true. Often the abusive person will need professional help to understand their anger issues and sometimes even medication while they seek that professional help. This is a serious situation where your putting not only your body at risk but your mind and soul as well. I recommend you go to your doctor, talk to him, get recommendation to speak to someone that specializes in physical abuse in relationships.
Also i'd just like to add in my experience because I had accepted him back the first time, he always thought saying "sorry he'll never do it again" meant he could always worm his way back no matter how long it took him. I know it is a hard road to go down love, but once enough time has passed your life will be much better....good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): He'll resort back to behaviours if not kept in check. He's and idiot. He needs counselling to address the reason why he is a drunk and abusive.
He needs to admit it, and want to change.
Walk out again. Set some ground rules. Tell him no more coming back unless he enters a program for abuse.
YOu can do it. You love and respect yourself and deserve a man who will love you and be gentle with you.
He can change. He should want to. Who else will tolerate his abusive ass, he knows this.
Be strong.
*Hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): you need out and dont turn around you are a beuatiful smart woman dont let any man treat you differnt he doesnt respect you if he does this drunk or not im just saying for your own good get out my dad use to beat my mom and well she finally left but still is alone and divorced because she is so scared of men im telling you some wounds wont heal but leaving him will be the best thing you can do for you self
good luck
sincerly luva
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A
female
reader, myp  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 GET RID OF HIM!! KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB!!, if he hit u at all, then he doesnt deserve u in the least, even the threat of violence shouldnt be present in ur relationship, drop him with a quickness because he is not the kind of person u want in ur life. You deserve better, someone who loves you and respects you, not someone who is abusive in anyway, ppl like that are repeat offenders, they never get better, he might cry and say he loves you and that hell never do it again, but he will cuz he gets his rocks off on the control. Dont stay, even if he makes you promises, i can guarantee itll happen again.
-Myesha
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