A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:During our recent holiday, my partner and i were in our room and i decided to have a shower. To my surprise i saw my partner change channel on the tv to a porn channel! I could see the tv reflection in bathroom mirror...i alerted him to the fact i could see and he immediately changed over (he must have thought i was already in the shower as the water was running). Now im not bkind to the fact men watch porn but i cant look at my partner in the same way agsin as this has made me feel betrayed and sick and that im not goid enough for him. Yet my partner has confessed to not having a very high sex drive in the past. He did apologise to me as he knows im not comfortable with porn as i was sexually abused when i was a child. I cannit bear to let my partner near me now because of this. What can i do to move on? I have seriously thought of ending things with him. As i dont want him to think he cant watch porn when im not around or resent me. I just cannot stop feeling let down as he said he didnt watch porn anymore.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 I am sorry anon female but I have to disagree with you. You cannot pin men watching porn as degrading just because abusers may or may not have used it. At the end off the day I know plenty off women who watch porn and you have no right to say it is degrading if the choose to do it. The porn stars in the movies are getting paid to do it male and female. This man lying about using porn is wrong yes and nobody should lie to there partners, however him watching porn should not be seen as him reopening wounds of her abuse. That should never be blamed on anyone else other than the person who abused her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): Many victims of sexual abuse experienced their abusers using porn as part of the abuse process or porn because of its frequently coercive or abusive themes or disrespects for women can act as a trigger for women who have been abused and I suspect that's why the OP raised the issue . As a victim of sexual abuse also I will not tolerate porn in my relationships and am unable to be with a man who does not see the degrading nature of porn . The vast manjority of women in my abuse group feel the same and I know that I personally have always shared those feelings with a partner in order to make sure I'm with the right person before entering a relationship He needs to know that if he uses porn that's his business but he's nots the man for me . For a man to lie about something so important and potentially reopening the wounds for an abuse victim is beyond horrible and I understand your hurt Is it possible to speak with a counsellor about this together and let him know how his betrayal has affected you
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 October 2017):
You can sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel, but he is a adult and if he wants to watch porn then nothing is stopping him. You should not change who he is. It does not mean he is cheating on you it would be absurd to think that. But if you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who watches it then it might mean that you and him are not compatible. While you shouldn't change someone, if he wants to watch it then maybe you should question is he the man for you. If he says he will give it up then lies to you all that is going to happen is the trust will be gone. Personally what my husband does in his own private time is his business I don't own him, and vice versa. I am sorry about the sexual abuse but am not sure why you felt the need to bring that up as it is not the same as watching porn, far from it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 October 2017):
 You will HAVE to leave him.
This guy will NEVER stop watching porn. He may cover his tracks a lot better with you, and he will hone his convincing "They're all ugly compared to you!" reassurances, but he's a porn user, and he will not change.
You can't change him, so if it's a dealbreaker to you, then you must break the deal and leave him.
I'm sorry to hear about your sexual abuse, but it is not the same as consuming porn. It will shape who you want to be with, similar to many children of alcoholics deciding that they will only date teetotalers because their upbringing brought great pain with alcohol.
But they LOOK for people who don't drink. They don't find a drinker and try to change him or her. Same with smoking. My father was a smoker, and I dated ONE smoker, and the breath was enough to decide I'd never date a smoker ever again. I have nothing against them, and I have friends who smoke!
I would never for a million years date a smoker with the intention of forcing him to quit. You don't change who you're with. You accept them as they are.
Your guy is a porn user. It has nothing to do with your inadequacy. It's an artificial stimulation of pleasure centers in the brain, similar to smoking, drinking, and some other vice. Yes, it has a personal element to it because of the sexual aspect, but stripped of its stigma, it's an avenue to release dopamine and stimulate pleasure, nothing more. For many of us women, a vibrator obliges the same need, and if we're partnered, it's absurd to consider that he's "not enough".
You must accept or break up. You can't change him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2017): Oh I feel for you. I hate porn and don't believe that men should watch it in a relationship. And if they started watching a lot of it when they were single that is bad news too, as they are likely addicted. I believe that men shouldn't while in a relationship for more than one reason (but firstly because it is basically a form of infidelity in my eyes, secondly the degrading women thing...not my cup of tea). But like you, I also recognize that more and more men watch porn with it now being all around them in our culture and with the internet. In my past relationships I do truly believe that some of my boyfriends have NOT watched porn (one didn't even have the internet, so I don't think he was lying!) and one admitted he did once in a blue moon and another did regularly. I don't know what to tell you because I know that men who do NOT watch it at all are sadly becoming rarer and rarer. In my view you have 2 choices. 1) to break it off with your man and see if you can find of the good old fashioned men who do not watch porn. 2) talk to your man and explain again why you are not okay with porn- go through all the reasons it bothers you, from making you feel inadequate, to things like leading to unrealistic expectations (completely hairless women who are just there as objects, and things like threesomes, group sex, or other stranger fetishes that if men watch enough start becoming part of their regular fantasies/ obsessions (yes they might fantasize about these things occasionally if they are not porn watchers, but I think watching these things repeatedly really makes them dwell on it). See how your boyfriend takes it. He will likely still watch it once in a while if he is already a porn-watcher. It is VERY difficult to truly change people. BUT with that being said, don't be afraid that you are "too demanding" to ask if he will stop outright...if that's what fidelity means for you, then he should be able to respect that (he has two hands and an imagination and men DON"T need porn to masturbate). I think men feel far too entitled to that kind of entertainment.
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