A
female
age
51-59,
*eesy
writes:hi, ive been married 22 years and since i turned 40, 2 years ago, ive realised how unhappy i am and all i can remember of my 1st 20 yrs of marriage misery. My 2 kids are now grown up and im far from happy with my husband,, dont think i ever really was but for some reason now i cant forget the things he has done in the passed eg, going to pub while i was misscarrying, packing all my clothes in bin bags when i dared to have a night out with mates, trying it on with my mates, going to pub on night i came out of hospital after major op. I could go on and on, i cant bear the thought of spending rest of my life with him but he wont leave, he just expects me to carry on but i cant, my head is messed up, ive been on antidepressants for 20 yrs, i need advice please Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I am in the same boat. Sometimes we can be nice to each other for a month, then it goes haywire again. I've been married to this man 25 years...I stayed way too long. As we all know in the very beginning it was wonderful, that goes to show when your so young you're just so stupid and naive. I just turned 45 in March and have 1 child with him he's 15yrs old. I can't live with this man anymore. He continusously accuses me of cheating. I can't even stay an hour after work to have a drink with my coworkers, so I justblow it off for the sake of having to hear all of his crap at home. He lies about everything, hangs out with people, I just don't feel safe and secure like a wife should with her husband. He's basically a tyrant to sum it up. I almost was out of this relationship in 2006 when I finally said the last straw with all his crap and verbal abuse, his substance abuse, and not having a steady job for 5+ years. In 2006 I filed for divorce and a protection order to evict him. Of course he had no where to go so he would continuously harass me and break into the house regardless of the restraint order. It merely put him in jail for 4 months and police slapped a aggravated stalking charge which is a felony. After all that, stupid me fell for all his lies again and went back with him. He hasn't changed a bit. It has become a seek of revenge on me now, he provokes me to do something so that he will call the police on me, and he has. It's very hard once again to get this man out, he won't leave. I don't want to go that route again with him because I know if I get another temporary protection order on him and knowing him he will be back at the house trying to get in and harass me at work. ANd that means he will be back in jail and if that judge sees him again she will keep him in there for 20 years as she said to him. I am truly stuck and a hostage in this house with him. Not an easy situation, he has a very bad temper. I wish he would just leave, it's obvious there is no love between us, it's sick. I can't even bring myself to have relations with him. I feel like at times I have to do it to keep the peace in the house. This is another way for him to get so angry when I refuse the so called marital duty.
I can sure sympathize with many other women who are going through similar situations. It feels good to vent.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): You say he won't leave. The real question is why won't you leave? That's your choice. You don't get to choose for him, just for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): have you checked with the local authority to see if he could be made to leave on the grounds of his bad behaviour? or are there any other options in this sort of situation where both parties are joint tenants in council/hsg association property? it might be worth checking it out with the local council and the citizens advice bureau. good luck xx
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A
female
reader, neesy +, writes (8 March 2008):
neesy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your answers, we live in a council house and neither of us can throw the other out as its in both names so who ever leaves is making themselves homeless. he has also NEVER appologised and he knows exactly how i feel yet he still acts the same as if nothing is wrong no matter what i say, i just need to find strength to just get rid and start to be happy. thank you all
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (8 March 2008):
 Become independent and leave. You might have to increase the dosage of your meds to do this to counteract the anxiety, but it will be worth it!
You have my condolensces.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Legally a solicitor will be able do advise you. If he won't leave, then file for divorce, citing his unreasonable behaviour. He will have to sell the house and split the proceeds. You brought his children up for all those years, the court will take that into big consideration. Also it has been a long marriage so he will not get away lightly. You are entitled to a good proportion of everything that he has. Insist on your rights. You should not have to be stuck in a house feeling miserable just because he is being unreasonable. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 March 2008):
If the house is his, then you cannot expect him to leave.
If he does not want to leave, maybe , you can partition your house into two or you build a side extension .
If that is not possible, then you leave him for your own.
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (8 March 2008):
 If he won't leave and this is something you really want then I would suggest you are the one leaving, this will give you the break from him and also a new fresh start thats not in the marital home you shared with your husband.
Make sure this is really something you want because theres alot more to come but if it is then now is the time to become your own person and start a new and exciting life.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (8 March 2008):
 After many years with my husband, I moved out and waited 2 years before filing for divorce. I wanted to make sure I wasn't just going through a mid-life crisis (like he tried to convince me) He had to buy me out of my half of our suburban home, but I just wanted my freedom, and to be able to start my life over before I was too old to do so. I think women who marry young like us, do so because we lack vision or direction in our lives at the time (19 years old for me) and then later as we grow up and mature we realize we are not well suited for our spouses. Maybe you've grown apart, or there's simply no attraction there. Whatever the case, you deserve to be happy. Make your move if he won't. And if you cannot afford to do so, then file for your divorce. Once the court grants your divorce, he'll have no choice. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Hello. Firstly can I saw how sorry I am to hear about your experiences with your husband. My first partner, who is the father of my children, was awful, absolutely awful and I too got to the stage you are at - after about 12 years & 2 children later, I really had had enough and was stone cold towards him and then left and he got the shock of his life! I haven't spoken to him since!!
Can I say it was lovely to read in your post that you are actually saying that you cannot bear to spend the rest of your life with him! So many ladies post saying their husbands behave badly but they still care/are not sure whether to leave them, in which case, I would always say, try to save the marriage, go for counselling etc etc before finally chucking it in.
However in your case, you sound as though you want out. It makes it so much easier and simpler. He has behaved badly and he knew exactly what he was doing so if you decide to leave him, you can do so guilty free with a clean conscience. If for whatever reason you want to save your marriage, or for him to behave, you would probably need to go for some really good professional marriage guidance.
However, if you want to 'cut loose' from him, feel free to do so. Make sure you know what you want, take a 'break' from him if it makes it easier for now. Being on anti-depressants for all that time cannot be much fun. I don't know your circumstances but I would suggest having a proper 'break' from him, make it clear to him how much upset he has caused and that his behaviour is unacceptable. Then, get some counselling for YOU, to help you and try to get you off the tablets, look after yourself, pamper yourself, go away for a weekend on your own or with friends - whatever!
How lovely it would be to be able to enjoy being you, getting to know yourself again without him around to sour it. You are a person in your own right. How DARE he do those things you describe - My God! Has he ever properly apologised?
Your children growing up actually sets you free. I get the feeling from your post that you can see a happier future looking on the horizon. It sounds as though you feel trapped in a prison of misery induced by his appalling behaviour?? He on the other hand, is a typical male of his type and is now panicking because his long suffering wife is leaving him. If you finally decide that you want to get out, get out and don't look back. You deserve to be happy and you can stand alone. It doesn't sound as though he has been much of a support to you anyway. He can't be good for your health either. Does he provide well financially for example! Good luck. Do what is right for you. Post again if you need more support. Take care xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 March 2008):
 Oops! You said "he won't leave". If he won't, YOU do it. Of course the problem can be that you can't afford to leave, but, if that were the case, now is the time for you to be independent.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 March 2008):
I think you just need the courage to start a life on your own. That can be difficult, but I think the moment is just right. You're still in a moment when you can look after yourself in all ways. Your moment has come. Dare to live on your own, dear poster. You deserve happiness and I see no point in your staying with him.
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