A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My marriage of 10 years broke up due to my ex husband's homosexual affair - his cruelty and utter disregard for myself and our children also caused me to have a breakdown which involved self harm and developing an eating disorder. Oddly though, we never argued about the real issues but all our worst discussions were focussed on the fact that he had started to smoke, mainly because his lover did. For me his smoking came to symbolise the awful way I was feeling and his infidelity too. Eventually I left with our two small daughters and since we have recieved no support from him. Four years on I am much recovered and am in a very happy relationship.I met my partner 18 months after he had quit smoking but in the last 2 and a half years i have discovered that he has had several lapses. He has felt unable to tell me as he knows how much I hate smoking and he felt my attitude prevented him from being honest. The last time this happened I felt that he had damaged my trust almost irreparably by lying about smoking and made it clear that it could not happen again. He quit via hypnotherapy four weeks ago and seemed fine until last night when he came home and told me he'd smoked when he'd met with some friends. I feel just totally devastated. I know my reaction is crazily extreme and really about the damage from my marriage but I just can't seem to be rational. He says he doesn't want to smoke and that it was just the one but I don't think I believe him and also feel that if he wants to he should be able to but that I cannot be with him if he does. How can I sort all this out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007): You may feel that and think you are taking a much needed break but that is not how counselling works.
In some cases, especially with sexual abuse and severe trauma's from childhood-it takes years and years of constant support and guidance.
I suggest not to see it as not more counselling but more like, counselling is going to help me and my marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice. I need to have a really good think. I've just finished two years of counselling to help me to deal with the effects of sexual abuse in my childhood so feel reluctant to jump straight into counselling for other issues - I feel I need time to let the other stuff sink in and to start to relax and feel better !! We will whether this smoking issue I'm sure. It's important to me and to him to get it sorted. Thamks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): That is the problem with addictions in that they have already chemically changed one's body so that they are heavily reliant on it for a sense of normalcy.
I think stumbling should be forgiven as we all make mistakes and will fail from time to time.
Add to it that if he goes to bars/pubs with old buds or friends...drinking and smoking are highly linked and therefore, he is inviting in the temptation of smoking.
It is advised that to give up a way of life or addiction, one must avoid the places and people that will stir up memories and desires.
Counselling to re-address your deep seated issues of why his smoking is a high offense and that you translate it to severe broken and unrepairable trust.
More often than not when we put an absolute on a behaviour i.e. I refuse to be with someone who smokes (especially having known he smoked prior to you and for x number of years) then we are indeed setting ourselves up for situations that seem unforgiveable and we put unrealistic expectations on others.
I still say you have unresolved issues and that you have fallen back into old patterns of thinking and behaving yourself that a counsellor will put the two of you back on course in your marriage where it is a win-win situation and where you will begin to build on the WE aspects.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): I totally disagree with giving your husband an ultimatum over smoking, your marriage is more important than that.
In your past marriage, you did not even fight over the real issues, but instead argued about a topic, that he smoked because his boyfriend smoked....how did that help you come to an understanding or help resolve to dissolve your marriage due to the real issue, his homosexuality.
Your current partner should not have to pay for your past and what your past husband did to you, and you are still fighting over this topic that came to symbolize your bad treatment from your former husband. This is a little over the top, and it really is "your problem", it does not mean that your husband doesn't love you if he smokes and it upsets you because of something it symbolizes to you, he is not responsible for your feelings about that symbol, you are....if he learns to avoid you by not smoking in front of you or letting you find out, then all he is doing is running and hiding from you....a relationship should be a safe place where partners are a resource and an ally, not someone that you have to tiptoe around....Give him an ultimatum and watch the relationship die before your eyes.
If you still have major emotional issues surrounding your ex, you need therapy, your husband does not need to coddle you or deal with what is essentially a dysfuncition in you.
On the other hand, you have a right to ask him not to smoke for health reasons by setting some boundaries, and he could agree to honor them....you can be a source of support and an ally by helping him to quit, by offering gum instead of cigs, or ecouraging him not to drink and smoke, or what ever is the thing that triggers his habit of smoking....
Try this web article and learn the rules of fighting fair in a marriage or a relationship.
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/135
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female
reader, chachacha +, writes (7 March 2007):
I don't think your reaction is that extreme and I shouldn't worry too much about judging it. Your reaction is your reaction, period.
You have decided that you do not want a partner who smokes and that is a perfectly reasonable thing to hold a view about. You don't want them influencing your children, you don't want them affecting their own health, you don't want the smell and the taste, and so on. It is acceptable for you to have some non negotiable requirements of a relationship.
He is obviously having some problems giving up. A friend of mine used to smoke and his wife's father died of lung cancer and she told him that she wanted him to quit, because everytime he smoked it made her think of how her father had died from smoking. So he quit. However, sometimes when I went out for a drink with my friend, he sometimes would smoke if she were not there.
But this is the big difference between my friend and your partner - my friend would never have told his wife that he had smoked, because he knew it would upset her. Most of the time he was with her and so didn't smoke and anyway with the various bans in smoking in public places, eventually his smoking just died out - he never has a smoke anymore.
So, if you feel so strongly about it, which you obviously do, this is my suggestion: tell him that you will not be able to keep seeing him if he smokes. Tell him that you do not want to see him smoking and you do not want to hear of him smoking and you do not want to find out (e.g. finding an empty packet, or finding smelly clothes) that he has smoked. Tell him that if you ever find out again that he has smoked that the relationship is over. Believe me, if he loves you, and absolutely knows that you will go through with it, he will never smoke again, or at worst, will only do what my friend used to do, and you won't be hurt by that.
He'll probably be grateful for this ultimatum ........ after all, he doesn't even want to smoke.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): Firstly, you have judged your reaction as overly extreme, so you know you need to be more silent in reaction to his smoking.
Secondly, I would not want to be married to someone who smokes that was unwilling to give it up, because I hate the smell, I have mild asthma, wear contacts and I dread getting cancer from second-hand smoke. I would worry that my mates smoking would lead to his early death, it is related to cardio vascular disease, and cancer, not just lung cancer, and I woul be upset that he would have so little regard for all of those issues.
If I were you, I would stop analyzing your dislike of smoking as relating to your past relationship. Focus on the above issues when discussing your dislike of smoking when talking with your husband.
Then realize that smoking is a habit, and your husband is having trouble giving up his habit. He has quit, so he is no longer addicted to nicotine, but he is giving into social cues which are behavioral cues when doing certain things that he used to do while having a cigarette.
He needs to replace the cigarette with something else, like chewing gum, when he feels this urge, or avoid hanging out and drinking if that means he has to have a cigarette.
Try explaining this to him in a calm manner and let him know you support him in his effort to quit. Don't make this about him betraying you, that isn't fair, it is about a habit he is having difficulty breaking, he has to do it for him, he has to want to quit, and if you make him feel like you are going to withdraw your love if he doesn't that is just going to fuel the fire, make him more anxious, and dig his heels in to resist your pressuring him.
If he can't quit or won't after a period of time, then you have to set some ground rules for smoking, not in the house, car or around me....or leave the marriage all together if it is that important to you.
Just get a grip on the emotional things you have attached to smoking, it is a start to run different tapes in your head, start thinking about the unhealthy aspects of smoking, that is enough reason for anyone to quit.
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