A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Towards the end of 2006 i met this amazing girl through a friend. I just thought she was really cute and there was something special about her, we started chatting and flirting online at first and then one day we were both out at a club at the same time. We started dancing and this was the start of an amazing relationship.I grew close to her very quickly and before i knew it i had strong feelings and was madly in love with her. She is the most amazing person and throughout our relationship i talked to her everyday. Like most couples we had arguments along the way but this girl was my first love and she told me i was her first love also. I had never felt like this about anyone before. At times i did take her for granted and she always said to me that i would not realise what i had until it was gone.We hit rough times, with family problems and there was a point where we slightly drifted apart. I decided that i should end it, the main reason for this was that im a Muslim with Pakistani parents and she is not a Muslim or Pakistani. My parents made it clear to me that they would only allow me to marry someone who was Pakistani and a Muslim. Basically i realised that there was no chance of me and my girlfriend taking our relationship further, as hard as it was we had to end things.Slowly she grew close to another guy, we still used to meet up and talk and she always said this other guy was just a friend. I realised that she was moving on and that if i continued to talk to her then there was no way that i could move on at all. So i made a decision, we had to stop talking completely for a while so we could both move on. We managed to do this ok but i couldnt resist looking at what she was up to through her Bebo profile. Then one day i was left heartbroken, there was pictures of her and this other guy kissing on her profile.I called her and she told me that she had no choice but to try and move on and that she was growing to like this guy. She told me that she loves me a lot and misses me and that if she could she would be with me rather than him but there was no future between me and her because of my family. I was completely heartbroken, i love her so much i told her that i was willing to leave my family to be with her but she said she knew how much my family meant to me that she couldnt let me do that.Now i dont know what to do. I really want to be with her, i love her and she still loves me but she has moved on, even though she says that if she could be with me she would. I hate my life, the fact that i can never be with someone i love simply because of my family and background kills me. I have started talking to her on the phone again and she seems like she is enjoying her life. I miss her so much. Also, i dont want to get into another relationship again because i know the exact same thing will happen because of my family. She has said to me that i should try and find a nice girl with the same background as me, someone my family would accept. This is easier said than done, i find it harder to speak to Asian girls, they are hard to approach and talk to. I cant see myself finding anyone suitable who my family would accept and in a way i dont want to because i want to be with the girl i love.Im getting older now and the time is soon approaching that my family want me to settle down and have a family of my own. Its been made clear that if i dont have anyone suitable in a few years that my family will find me a suitable partner, an Asian arranged marriage. My family dont see this as a problem as all my brothers and sisters have had arranged marriages and they are happy. I dont think i will be happy with this, i always thought that i would marry someone i loved and someone that i knew. Not just a complete stranger in an arranged marriage. All i will get is a photo and one opportunity to meet this girl when my family visit her family. If we both like each other looks then a date will be set and if not then my family will keep looking for a suitable girl. This is not the kind of relationship i want, the kind where a bond is made purely on looks and background. Like i said i want to marry someone i love, not someone i dont know. Someone who i know and trust and not someone purely on looks.I have no choice though, i can never be with the girl i love with my family consenting and i dont think i will ever meet someone my family find suitable. I have lots of thoughts cross through my head, the main thought just simply telling my family i love someone and i want to be with them. My family simply wouldnt accept this so the only other way i could be with the girl i love is to run away but she said she would never come between me and my family as she loves me so much.I really dont know what to do. Im sorry for the long story but i just had to get this off my chest and get some kind of opinion on the problems i am having.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 June 2008):
They can't force you into an arranged marriage as that is illegal, however they can pressure you and guilt you into agreeing to it.
Have you tried talking to them about how much you love this girl and how hurt you are that they would never accept her? If they put their foot down and say it has to be a girl that they like and you don't then you have to make a big choice.
Do you stick with your family, or do you strike out on your own?
I'm not going to advise you either way on this, it has to be your choice alone.
This girl that you love seems lovely and it's great that she would sacrifice your own happiness rather then forcing you to choose between your family and her. To me that shows me she is a caring honourable woman.
I think you need to make this choice sooner rather than waiting until your parents present you with a marriage proposal. This girl could still be yours but if she is working hard to forget you then you could lose her if you wait too long.
The following website may be able to help you, and there is a helpline too. http://www.myh.org.uk/
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): OK,the biggest mistake you made was ending the relationship.If you loved her,then you should have stayed with her.You are a grown man,and even though you think your parents still have control over you,they don't.You can change your religion if you choose,that way,your parents can't tell you who to marry.You know you love her and your parents know that you don't want to do an arranged marriage.So don't do it. Find that girl and tell her you want to be with her because she knows she loves you and she will realize she made a big mistake being with someone else.Good luck!!!
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