A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Today I was in a conversation with a 15 year-old lad I know and the conversation drifted past the question of being a virgin in terms of peer pressure. While trying to exercise the maturity and responsible adult attitude in response to this I found myself crumbling within at the hypocrisy I was engaged in. I'm a 24 year old virgin and whilst this didn't even slightly bother me at 18, 20, 22 I was now faced with the realisation that I was not just "behind" my peers but people 10 years younger than me. I felt sick to my core.Now I've been single for 6 years of adult life and wracked with mental health issues. I now fear that it's too late for me. I'm in effect beyond redemption and that I now physically can not be intimate with women as this intrinsic neuroses really has to be broken down under the hammer of teenage immaturity and bravado. My self-awareness of my depression means I am already a burden to anyone close to me. To introduce this to another would be unfair if not impossible (i.e. my melacholy will repulse all that draw near.) As my actual persona is not fit for forming relationships this now presents the option of trying to be someone I'm not. Is this even possible, can I really lie my way out of this or will my illness cast me into the pit with the other lepers to die alone? People reasure those of poor countenance or physique that it's personality that matters. Well mine's broken what can you possibly suggest?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): Hi! I felt the need to reply to you regardless oh howlong ago you've posted this... I have to say that I understand what u are going through since I am 25 yr old and also a virgin ,single for a long time too...I know it's not easy ..like u, this didn't bother me while I was 20 0r 21 but now I've started to ask myself if this is more of a burden than a virtue. Many times I felt really lonely , depressed and self-concious..it's really hard for me to connect with someone since on top of that I am very picky..Luckily for me I know what I really want and all I can say is that the moment will come when i meet somebody whom I'll fall completely in love and I know that nothing will make me more happy than give myself entirely to him,not only in the physical way but in every way..Sometime u wish u could just confide this to someone and even just do it with anybody jut to get over it...but I know I just have to be more patient..meanwhile I've learned a lot about myself and my body and to all the people that think that virgin can be awkward in bed well think again! we've had plenty of time to get to know ourselves, what we like and what we don't...thanks to the internet of course!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Question poser:You're absolutely correct, that should have said latter (or maybe I went back to fix a typo and corrupted that sentence, I don't know.) As for my prose, I simply put this across using terms I feel best describe the feelings I'm trying to convey. Anyway, yeah, maybe I am pretentious and full of it... Negativity seems congenital for me so maybe I'm getting exactly what I deserve afterall.All pretext aside, as I do mean this sincerely, thank you for answering my question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Well I think that the way that you write is pretentious. Do you think 'pretentious' is synonymous with 'humility'? Cause I don't. So now you understand why I suggested you should be more humble?? But you disagree. So fine.
And you say "My main concern is: if given the choice between damaged and undamaged people the vast majority favour the former."
The vast majority of what?? People?? So you are saying that most people favor damaged people??? (Or did you mean to say the "latter"). And in what sort of context are you talking about??
And then you said, "Help love and support, my main experiences with people outside my family (apart from health care professionals who are PAID to listen) is one of utter disregard for empathy, or a rather ill-at-ease display of compassion."
On whose part??
You really confused me in your last post. I mean it's like if I had a serious issue and I wrote something like this:
I have a serious issue
Last night I used up my last tissue
Cause this guy I like named tim
Invited me to a bbq with him
When I got there he went to bed
and I went home instead
Dear agony aunt what should I do
Oh dear, I feel so blue
You would probably think it is some kind of joke right?? Cause it is way out of context. You don't usually write poems on advice columns. Just like you don't write 'verbose' prose on advice columns that makes no sense.
I would like to help you but I am not sure if to take you seriously or if you are just joking. I mean are you just writing for the sake of sounding pretentious or are you writing to make a point??? I think it is the 'former'.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (11 November 2007):
 The first step in this would be to stop being so hard on yourself. What is it about your life that makes you feel melancholic? Is there anything that you can do to change that?
Are you intimidated by women? Everyone has a fifty fifty chance when they approach someone they are interested in; they're answer is either yes or no. You fear the "no".
You seem very cynical. What happened in your life to make you so cynical? You feel that people don't want to be around you because you have such a "downer" personality and no one wants to be around that. Did you consider that maybe people don't stick around because you automatically think that they aren't going to like you? The aura that surrounds you is negative, most likely. You always think that you're never going to make a connection with another person, so you never try because you feel that your efforts are all going to be in vain anyway.
You may have tried the "optimistic" route already, maybe by the suggestion of a therapist. It's hard to start thinking positive about yourself when all you have ever thought is the negative. Did you ever think about going on anxiety meds? I normally don't agree with medication, but at one time I was in this position and the doctor prescribed me Lexapro, something that seriously saved me from probably what you are going through. I took it for several months, and it's been two years since I felt that way.
You appear educated, something that I know women love. A man could look like a dog, but if he has an active mind and full of knowledge, that automatically turns him into something more. Play up on the fact that you're smart. And be proud of it. And then find another good aspect about yourself. Build yourself up slowly, and maybe in the end, you'll see yourself in a completely different light.
Depression is a game your mind plays on you. Don't let your mind win. You have programmed yourself to be cynical and negative, and it's going to take a lot of will power to overcome that. Stop thinking that when you enter a room, women aren't going to pay attention to you, or aren't going to find you attractive. You need to go in with confidence, and that's going to make you that much more desirable.
As for the fact that you are 24 and still a virgin, so what? My boyfriend lost his virginity to me, and he was 28 when that happened. It was much more special then when I lost mine at 16, because we were both adults and could fully appreciate the beauty of it, not just me giving in to my horny boyfriend when I was a teenager. Women aren't repelled by the fact a man is a virgin.
So, quit being so hard on yourself, realize what a wonderful and intelligent person you are, and I'm sure you'll get far. 24 is not the end of your life. It's most definitely not too late, and in no way are you a late bloomer. It should be this way; people should wait until they are older to make such a responsible decision. Sex is something very intimate, and if you start having sex at an early age, you kind of become desensitized to it and it's not all that special. But you, you have waited and you are going to able to appreciate the experience so much more than a 15 year old kid.
I would love to talk to you more in depth on this. Please, feel free to email me through this system.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Peoriaman!! Can you even call that advice? I don't think attacking a clearly clinically-depressed heterosexual's sexuality is going to be of much help. Stop taking the piss out of people, if you can't offer real advice DON'T!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Question poser:
Humility is honestly something I could have written the book on. The verbose nature of my writing is radically different to the way I talk to people. As for peers, my main social circle are mostly university educated and performing better than I did. If anything i'm their intellectual inferior. As for books, I completed my degree having read fewer than 10 books. I hardly ever read for pleasure. My main concern is: if given the choice between damaged and undamaged people the vast majority favour the former. Help love and support, my main experiences with people outside my family (apart from health care professionals who are PAID to listen) is one of utter disregard for empathy, or a rather ill-at-ease display of compassion. So far I am yet to meet someone new who will see past this neurotic mess I'm buried under. It's asking a lot I know, but is this lot too much? I really don't feel 24 is a respectable age for someone irreligious as me. If I was a devour christian for example and of the "no sex before marriage" ideology then I would have absolution. However, in my eyes, "late blooming" and "socially retarded" are not synonymous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Well I can tell by your writing skills that you are well read. While that is always a super plus, being cool and fitting in to some extent is also a very important part of life. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you could start by trying to speak more colloquially. I am not trying to say that you should try to act dumb or be dumber than you are. I am just saying that speaking on a more colloqiual or universal way is probably going to make you seem less intimidating and perhaps more attractive to women AND guys. Speaking like that is only making you stand out and to make friends you need to have stuff in common with people.
Don't shun society. Accept it and try to be a part of it. Respect it even if deep down you don't, just try to or pretend to.
Having friends and perhaps a girlfriend is a very important part of life and will do wonders to your self esteem. Having people you can count on and who you have fun with can solve so many problems for you. Problems that NO book or any amount of intellect will ever solve for you. Just pure simple friendship and companionship is one of the best gifts in life. But it is hard to meet people and be liked by people if you have nothing in common with them. And to be honest, you are not going to meet too many if any people at all in the world who speak like that in regular conversation. That in itself is setting you apart from your peers. And that boundary that you are setting is going to prevent you from sharing things in common with people.
I think that for now you should really focus on fitting in a bit more. Even if you do it simply as an experiment. Just try it. Forget books. Listen to real people and listen to their words. Don't assume anything. Just listen. You might find that they have alot more to offer than you think. And perhaps teach you something about life or whatever it is you may be curious about. Just open up and be humble.
And you mention the possibility of having to be someone you are not. Well humans are alot more fluid than you might think and there is always room for improvement. How can you be sure you know who you are if your influences are so limited?? I think in order to find yourself and know who you really are requires you to be exposed to alot of different facets of life. Be it cultural, intellectual, social... But if your facets are limited, then you are not completely well rounded and exposed. You are still young and still have so much opportunities to find yourself. But I think the best thing that you can do to genuinely achieve this is to expose yourself more to social things. And in order to do this successfully you need to go in it with an open mind, with respect and with humility.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (11 November 2007):
 Let's take this one step at a time. Would you like to have a relationship with a woman? If you would, then I would say that not all hope is lost. Is there a physical reason you can not be intimate with women or are you saying you can't because you haven't yet. I think you are feeling the pressure build up around you and your world seems as if there is no meaning. I understand but you need to approach this rationally. There are people who can help you with mental anguish and sexual dysfunction. It is not a crime to be a virgin at your age, let's just call you a late bloomer. Women like men with good personalities AND men who can be intimate (not just sexually either) AND men who can communicate. Just take it slow and work one issue out at a time. Good luck to you.
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