A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I cannot take my husband any more. I am trying, but it gets harder every day. He works between 50 and 60 hours a week, which I understand and respect. Although I have been unemployed for about 2 months, I have, throughout or 14 year marriage, worked both full time (40+ hours) and part time (30+ hours). This, while attending to all of our childrens' needs: school, doctors, b-day parties, play dates, scouts, etc. and, for the past 6 months, attending nursing school 30 hours per week. I handle all of the household duties: cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry et al. His jobs? The yard (the grass gets mowed perhaps 5 times per summer and the ice is now 3" thick on the walks), the garage, which is so bad that it cannot be walked through and one cannot find a single tool, and taking out the trash to the road, which hasn't been done since X-mas. He has now, since summer, taken to drinking too much regularly (4 times a week), closing the bar where he works a few nights a week. Our sex life is virtually non-existent, and I don't even miss it. He is diabetic, so medication helps, but it is always when and how he likes it (and not such a turn-on when he smells like vodka and cigars). Not to be crude, but I truly can't remember the last orgasm I didn't give myself. I have always loved him more than I can say, but right now, the thought of being around him makes me want to cry. I think what makes it so unbearable is that he doesn't think anything is wrong. I'm just being a nagging bi***.I want to cheat so badly just so I can feel human and appreciated, even for a half an hour. I won't, because it's not worth the aggravation, but I find myself thinking about it all the time.Does anyone have suggestions to help me cope with this and/or to help him turn around?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. I agree that we need therapy - 100%. Sadly, he really doesn't think there's anything wrong, and why should he? His life has continued exactly as it always has, with his only responsibility being his job, and he believes that is enough. EVERYONE but him sees it; my brother-in-law feels sorry for me; my mom comes up to help me with household repairs. HIS parents even call to talk to me, not him.
No, I won't cheat. Really, that would be just dumb and physical, and not worth hurting my kids. Sadly, though, Irish49, it is not he who lacks the desire. He doesn't keep his hands off me (though not sweetly & gently - he actually grabs my breasts & slaps my rear like this is a turn-on). It is is lack of attention everywhere else that has ruined MY desire. He is currently snoring on the sofa so loudly that no one can hear the television. It's 7:30 PM & he slept until noon. He ate dinner & promptly went to sleep. He will sleep until at least 11 tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I don't have to look for things that he does. They're just THERE. He makes Homer Simpson look like Prince Charming. Today he actually started doing kick-boxing moves in Target & knocked over a table. Who DOES that?! I have school tomorrow morning from 8 until noon, and the kids will feed themselves, and he will not eat until I get home to feed him. If I was gone all day, he simply wouldn't eat.
I do love him, which is why I have hung in there. He will even, in brief moments of lucidity, acknowledge that he has on some level given up. He promises changes. I only hope that he gets back to normal before I give up.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 February 2009):
I think I agree that you need therapy.
You need a referee to basically point out the failings on both sides here without it descending into a massive row.
He may simply have not noticed what a pain he's being and need a kick up the bum.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I think u should pray and ask god to restore your marriage he can do all things and he can make love that died live again. Me personally I've been having problems in my marriage but I pray.l pray with my husband also as a family!We made love the other night it was awesome I never thought it would get back to that point. The love making is better.pray pray!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): Yikes! No don't cheat! Your marriage has stagnated and it needs to be repaired, dear. Marriage counseling will help. You both have drifted, bigtime. Do you want to save this marriage? If you do then you can rekindle that spark you once had but you need to do some work on 'you' first. This is the only way back to learning to trust and respect him again. First of all, realize 90% of the men out there are wonderful, loving, devoted guys-you can't let this history rule your life. Accept that and let go of the past.
Trust yourself first, to stop damning him. This common but painful human experience is only contributing, negatively to your marriage. So... stop "policing" your husband, stop over analyzing and looking for ways to disrepect and dislike him. Trust yourself to know you made the wise decision, years ago, to marry him.. Now start honoring that decision and stop the self-defeating torture you are putting yourself through.
As for your marriage you both need to reconnect. It will take time and perseverence and a total change of attitude for both of you. Finding that love is the first step and learning relax, have fun and enjoy your husband at the emotional level, first-the physical will come later. (don't rush this) You both need to make each other feel loved, appreciated and adored. You need to rebuild what you both shared many years ago through understanding and patience. If he's not feeling the closeness, the caring and understanding from you, then he's not going to respond in the bedroom. If one of you doesn't at least try, you both will just keep stagnating. Life is just too short to spend it so unhappily. You sincerely sound like you sort of love him want and you to to do all you can to improve your marriage. Then get the ball rolling-stop the standoff and get proactive. Your husband doesn't have ESP, hun, you have to communicate in a loving..non-threatening way-what you need from him.
Realize that your husband is human, no matter how perfect he seemed in the beginning. He is going to do things that will always bug you. He is going to do things and say things to disappoint you. In fact, is there any relationship of any type where this is not the case? Try to have as much compassion and remember, his imperfections are not an indication of lack of love for you. Lastly, live each day as if it were the last day of your relationship. If this really was the last day with your husband, you would want him or her to know how much he is loved and appreciated.
As mentioned above, if this is just too hard for you, then get some marriage counseling. Sometimes a mediator helps to keep the lines of communication open and can suggest many wonderful to improve your marriage. And remember dear- count your blessings in life, not your troubles. You both will make it through whatever comes along. Within you are so many answers to what troubles you. Try to understand-have courage and be strong. Good luck and I wish you both well.
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