A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mother has just died of lung cancer and I cannot get over the feeling of guilt. I'm absoltely devastated - I loved her so much and she was far too young to die.She has been in pain for many months and has seen the doctor upteen times. The last time I saw her was the 20th August and she looked awful so I told her to get a third opinion as I thought she had lung cancer. She basically said that it definitely wasn't however took my advice to see the doctor the following day who prescribed 3 days pain killers. She died on 31st august and we have just found out it was lung cancer. I loved her so much and am so, so upset because I thought something was seriously wrong and yet didnt follow my instinct. Even worse is the thought that she was in pain which must have been getting prgressively worse for 2 weeks prior to her death and yet I didn't even bother to go and see her (or indeed even call) - I was too busy. I would do anything to turn back the clock and take her pain more seriously, spend more time with her, tell her I love her.Im just so utterly devastated that I didn't tell her I loved her or even made her feel loved in the weeks before her death.Her lungs blew up - that's how she died. Alone, frightened and just so horribly - its just too awful. I'm sorry this is so long but I cant talk to anyone about this and just cant handle it. Whats making it worse is everyone is telling me what a wonderful daughter i am, how lucky she was to have me... I didnt even speak to her for 2 weeks.Mummy I love you so much and I miss you so much. I am so eternally sorry I didn't spend more time with you and didn't take your pain more seriously. I was so stupid to trust the doctors opinions and would do anything to turn back the clock. Please don't think for a second that I didn't love you if I didn't text, email, call back so often - I was just so selfish and so caught up in my own life. I'm absolutely horrified you died on your own and can only pray that you didn't realise what was happening. I hope you're at peace now and hope so much you didnt suffer.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 You should not torture yourself with this. Inasmuch as you wanted to be there for her, you had no way of knowing for certain that this is what would be.
Let me give you a frank opinion as I have lost both my parents, friends, a sibling, and so many other people in my life.
My parents had me and my brother in their 40's after starting over. They had been separated by, and both served in and survived WWII and its aftermath.
There was another brother who was put up for adoption in 1942 and I have never been able to find him. He would be in his late 60's.
My mother died 12 years ago. Her passing, thank God was fast. She had a major coronary and died. That was it. She fell to the floor and it was over. Though the medics came in to work on her, I felt the relief knowing, even with her on the floor as much as we tried to save her, she was gone.
I say that because she had suffered many strokes, she was 82 when she died, and she had nearly no quality of life.
I was grateful her passing was swift and painless.
My father, however, was tortured over her passing. He was there too, and when she collapsed, his world shattered in an instant.
I watched him become an alcoholic, and tried to do everything to wean him from the booze. His cancer spread, he lost all hope for life. His spirit was broken horribly.
He lived another 3 years plus afterward never the same.
In January of 2001, he suffered a major stroke. He was paralyzed on the left side of his body. He wanted to die.
Every day for 7 months I went to the hospital and later the nursing home, 3 days a week and watched my father die a slow, agonizing death. Each day it broke me down 1 piece at a time.
He lapsed into a coma a day before he died and I was so hurt by it.
When he passed away, I was relieved because he was free from it. But to this day, the agony of watching him die so slowly is still in me.
My brother disowned me after my dad died. He refuses to talk to me and has disappeared. Why? I don't know. So I am all alone.
What I am saying to you is this. I know how much you miss your mother. I miss both my parents. I wish they were here with me to help me through even tougher times than ever before in my personal life. But they have passed away.
All you can do is cherish the memories you had with your mother. Even if you had been there, she would not love you any less than if you had.
Part of the grieving process is forgiving yourself. That is all you can do. Rest assured that wherever she is, she still loves you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): you brought tears into my eyes.i had thought of something to write to you but now i have nothing at all to write.my hands shake with fear of my mother and father dying soon.
life has to go on so stop .though i dont know what i am asking you to stop but still gather courage and atleast you realised your mistake and this realisation of your gives your message to your mom that you really loved her.
death is a horrible thing.though a boon for those who are suffering at last get relief.
your mother died of pain but think how relieved she must be from her sufferings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): You are emotionally tormenting yourself and of course it is only understandable things are still very early since your mothers death I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I lost my Gran just prior to Xmas and we buried her on Xmas eve as this was the only spot available at the church but the poignancy of this hurt very much. I knew she would never leave the hospital she was in prior to her death and yet I could not bring myself to make the long journey to the hospital and face saying goodbye. I mean to offer you this information to say to you that sometimes, even when faced with the knowledge and choice to say goodbye over several weeks we cannot always do it, to find it in ourselves to face the stark reality. You may have blocked out the serious situation. You may wish also to consider that your mother would never want you to worry about her or to see her in such pain as she would know it would hurt you. Perhaps in some way fate prevented you from this hurt. I too have beaten myself up over not visiting in the last stages and felt somehow she would never forgive me but then I remember her when I last saw her in a lovely blue jumper, smiling at me and that is my lasting memory - not to mention all the good times we shared over a lifetime. I agree with the other post that, when you feel able, you should seek independent support from a bereavement counsellor. There are many stages of grief and its not something to face alone.
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