A
female
age
36-40,
*roken1234
writes:Ok, so I have been with my fiance for 3 years now and everything has been wonderful. Just this past weekend I have cancelled our wedding which was to happen in 3months from now. He is 7 years older then I am and lately I have been feeling distant from our relationship, I have been going out more with my friends and partying and im not sure that im as ready as I thought i would be to settle down. My problems are 1) he has an 11yr old daughter who has never met her mother and calls me mom.. this is something that im definatly not ready for.. I know I should have realized that coming into it, but because I never dated anyone with a child before I didnt know how I would feel about it.. As time went on i always told myself to smarten up because this is the man i love and this is his child and to just accept that.. but I dont think I can, and its not that shes a bad child.. its that Im 22 and I just cant handle it anymore. 2)Hes very jealous and insecure, whenever i want to go out with friends he gets angry and accuses me of not wanting to spend anytime with him and once I come home will call me names such as sl_t because he always assumes I have cheated on him.. I have never done anything like that to hurt him.. he was the one at the beginning of our relationship who lied about talking to his ex behind my back for the first 9 months we dated. He admits that his insecurity comes from his past and that he knows ive done nothing wrong but cant help it. 3) We have owned a house together for about two years now along with the two cars we own, we are renovating the house just like he wanted and I hate that.. its stressful its putting us in debt and its not the life I wanted. He isnt motivated in his job, he doesnt care that hes at the bottom of the ladder and has been for the past 10years, I mean its great he has stuck to one thing for so long... but after that amount of time it would be nice to see some growth. I just dont feel fufiled in life anymore.. I used to be so happy with him and so excited to get married and have children with him (which he wants like yesterday by the way) and now the longer we have been together the more im realizing how much I have missed out on, and how much I will miss out on if I continue any longer. I love to hangout with my girlfriends and go out to dance or for a few drinks, I would love to travel all over all the time.. I want experiences. I feel as if I commit to this man any longer, because of the lifestyle he has, non of that will ever be possible. The hardest part of all this is that besides the insecurity, he is an amazing man who worships the ground I walk on and loves me to death!I have NO idea what to do.. This is by far the hardest decision of my life and I need some guidance and advice. I am also staying at my parents house tonight so I can just be alone and try to think clearly without watching him cry and feeling bad for cancelling the wedding and such. PLEASE HELP hes crying and begging and making promises! I dont know what to do!!
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debt, fiance, his ex, insecure, jealous, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 If you're not feeling the relationship anymore, end it. I think it would be a shame if you stayed and ended up feeling frustrated, resentful and angry the whole time. That would be terrible for everybody involved. You're not in the same place with each other emotionally or financially, and frankly you only get one life to lead.
You will have to sit down with him and be honest that this isn't the relationship you want. Be clear and respectful about the fact that you've bought joy to each other's life but that you don't fit together long term. It will be painful but honesty is definitely the way to go.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): To the anonymous poster right below mine: Why would you automatically assume that she is the 'bad' person in the relationship? Why could you not understand that "partying" is only one aspect out of many aspects of her life. She has to simplify her words to make it known that her personality may be different than his personality.
Different people have different goals. Everything in life is trial and error. Through experiences, we filter out what works for us and what doesn't. Clearly, this woman has learned that this isn't the lifestyle she wants. This is neither bad or good. Just because one or two people have invested time and energy into a relationship, it doesn't mean it is a solid means to hold people down into a relationship.
Individuals must change and adapt to better themselves. Connections between people must further connect for growth to happen. Indeed, compromise also plays a factor and so does communication, but when in doubt, stop what you want to do and reassess what you want, what you are willing to do and what you can't do without.
If people refuse to do any of that, they become dull-minded and stale. With that, many relationships of all kinds will become routinely dull and stale.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): From what I read, YOU do not deserve him. Someone who is able to shed a tear over a woman he loves is something rare and worth respect and definitely love. Dumping him and his love which was accepted and reciprocated for three years because you wanna party and stuff is beyond words, but however you'd be doing him a favor he deserves. Loving you makes him blind, and hence he cannot see who you actually are, and what the future would hide for him with you if it worked out. If you ever loved this man really, and if you actually wish the best for him, then break up with him as soon as possible PLEASE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Because of the doubts you have expressed it is clear you are not ready to marry this man now - but you may be ready to marry him later - it is absolutely the right decision for both of your sakes to postpone - take all the time you need to tell him what is wrong and to give him time to recognise what you need in order to be happy to marry him. Give him time to change. When you are ready you can assess again whether or not you are happy to marry him...
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (16 June 2009):
Going out and partying is fun and all, but do you really want that to be all you have? You should really talk to him in detail about all of this if you want to work it out with him. Maybe he'd like to go out dancing with you too, or maybe he'd like to travel too? Avoiding him because you don't want to see him cry isn't fair to him. You can't sit on the fence with decisions like this. If you don't want to be with him anymore, tell him, then tell him the truth about why... He deserves the truth. If you do want to stay with him but are just afraid you won't be happy, them tell him that too. Either way this man deserves the truth, it may hurt him at first but at least with the facts he can also make whatever decision he feels is best as well.
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A
female
reader, broken1234 +, writes (16 June 2009):
broken1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have already contacted all vendors to cancel the wedding and payments have been put back on our credit card.. I have also told all friends and family that we have "postponed" the wedding as I dont need them knowing anymore then that.
I dont feel I am ready to get married right now expecially if im considering not being in this relationship anymore! I dont know what to do!!!
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (16 June 2009):
 You should lay down the law to him! Explain that you will continue with the wedding (because he makes you happy) if he starts controlling his jealousy. And he needs to respect you more and just explain that you need to have experiences and you won't be stopped! X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): listen, it is clear that you are having a hard time, and it must hurt so much to see him cry and beg, like you say, but you have to understand that it's not some light decision you are about to take! it is your life that is on the line, here! and i think that, from what you wrote, you are clearly not ready for this kind of relationship: nor a marriage, nor a daughter -who is not even yours- to take care of. you are only 22 years-old and you need to live your life. it makes it easier that you know, deep down, that you don't want the kind of life he is offering you! you really don't! so don't take it! it will hurt him more if you marry and if you're unhappy in your marriage! it will break his heart, slowly but surely, and it will be a million times more painful than it is for you now to face this.his insecurity is such a bad thing! he cannot throw it in your face like that! you have to live your life, like you want it. which means going out with friends, seeing people, etc. if he stops you from doing that, he doesn't really love you because he must want your happiness and for you to be happy you must be free and enjoy yourself. and it would be ridiculous to suppose you can only enjoy yourself with him and him only. this is my advice. good luck. and always remember that most of the time, the right path is the hardest one: you've got to be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Honey, go with your instincts. You know that you can't handle all this. He has no righs to control your life at all! By what I see, he is overly jealous and controlling and even puts you in debt! You deserve a better guy than someone who just stresses you out.
Think about it before you get married. You're still young and should see more things before you settle down. Even if you do now, not to a guy who doesn't treat you right.
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