A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a 23 year old female seeing a 35 yr old male for the last 13 months. it started out as a friendship for 3 months then we become intimate.The problem is he just disappears for long periods of time (6 weeks or longer). his done this atleast 5 times that I can think of.I just don't understand why we become really close then he just disappears. And no we dont have sex everytime we meet up. Last time we had seen each other was 7 weeks ago, visiting and contacting each other regularly, he become very emotional towards me..expressing his deep feelings for me..then he just disappears.I sent he a text message on the phone a few weeks back just asking how he was going..no reply.I have asked him about why he disappears the last time he did it,he said that he was just really busy with work and other things in his life,he seems to try and aviod the subject....I can understand being busy with work,but why totally ignore for so long,not even a reply to a text.If he was not in to me why would he keep coming back? why say strong words of emotion? then just disappear.please help me understand
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): I understand you feel sad, because you obviously care for this man. But he is being very careful not let you into his life - he may turn up now and then, be intimate with you, but you know nothing about who he REALLY is. My gut instinct is that he's married (and probably with children).
So, he panicked when you didn't contact him ... it doesn't mean he has feelings for you, it simply means he wanted his convenient hideaway to be available when he needs. It's all on his terms.
You are being used, my pet, and it's a really shitty thing to have to acknowledge, but I think deep down you already know this.
Everyone, male and female, is worthy of love and respect. Don't let this man use up any more of your valuable time.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone who has given me response so far.
it does not feel right,him disappearing for so long,I guess a another life, another women could be possible.I dont know. :(
I do know where he lives. No I have not meet his family (he told me they live in another state), no I have not meet any of his friends. most times we meet are at my home.
when we spend time together at the most would be a weekend together..but other times it could be just a few hours,to just 1 day a week...it depends on his work,his hours change a lot,his a police officer.
The fourth time he ignored me I got upset,so ignored him,once he worked out I was ignoring him he panicked,the phone calls and messages and trying to contact me and see me was constant. this is when I asked him why he disappears, he could see I was upset and after that he was doing really good to keep contact.
but..now he has disappeared again :(
I guess I should just move on...this will be very hard because I have strong feelings. I feel very sad about this :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Either he's bipolar or he has a family/wife/GF and can't make up his mind WHAT/WHO he wants..
I don' understand why you let him do this to you though, it must be like dating an emotional yo-yo.
Honestly I would move on. I wouldn't have the patience or strength to deal with a relationship like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Irrelevant to what this man is playing at do you think this is all you deserve?? Are you happy with this relationship when he does this to you? You deserve more! My advice would be not to contact him, get on with your life and try to cut him out - I'm assuming you want kids/marriage in the future? How is that going to work if he keeps disappearing?? There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for him to "ignore" you like this for a few days let alone a few weeks! It takes SECONDS to send a text! I get anxious if my bf doesn't text me for a few hours! (and he is busy at work, often with customers so can't text) I honestly think you should not be putting up with this behaviour! Have you considered what he might be getting up to when he's ignoring you? Is it possible he's living a double life? Have you met friends/family/work colleagues? Don't take fb as an indicator that he's committed to you either as it's possible to set up your account to look like your in a relationship with someone to certain people and not to others.Give him an ultimatum - stop disappearing or it's over! And be strong! Don't you want someone who WANTS to spend time with you? What if you had an emergency? Would he be there? It seems to me like this man is saying all the right things when you're together, but words are cheap...everyone knows actions speak louder than words and if he truly loved you/was serious about you he'd never ignore you for weeks on end! It is possible he has psychological problems but you deserve more from a relationship than this! I can't help you understand I'm afraid, there is no positive explannation for this type of behaviour and as much as it will hurt I honestly think you'd be better off without him.I know this is a very negative reply and I'm not in your relationship/don't know this man but you've asked for an outsiders perspective and I'm afraid this is mine...So sorry to be so blunt but seriously, what a tool! Stop wasting your life on him. You deserve so much better you really do and you WILL find it!!My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you're going through this and I really hope it all gets sorted and you get what you want.All the best x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): He is married or he has a girlfriend. I put money on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Where does your boyfriend live? What does he do for a living? How long does he spend with you when you do see him? Have you considered that he might be married?The relationship is entirely unbalanced, he has all the power, and you're just the good little girl, waiting for his call and ready to welcome him back.Your post is ringing a lot of alarm bells in my head, and they should be ringing pretty loudly in your head too. He is not being honest or open, why would that be? He does have something to hide and he is not respecting you by treating you the way he does.In the last 13 months he has spent at least 30 weeks away from you with no explanation and no contact ... that's entirely unacceptable and disrespectful. Not to mention suspicious!If you want to be a doormat, just carry on the way you are. If you want an adult, equal relationship, ask this man some VERY STRAIGHT questions. If you don't like the answers, or he refuses to answer, dump him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Do you know here he lives? Do you know his friends and family? If not, he might have another life - a wife or girl friend. It all sounds a bit suspicious. You just have to dig a bit deeper and find out. If he has not fully including you in his life - what sort of relationship have you got. I would make it your business to find out what the situation is or just forget him.
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