A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:O.K. here it goes. I feel so wierd about this and I can't figure out what my feelings mean. I was married to a military man 8 years ago, and long story short: After we married he began looking at swinger sites and after much convincing we decided to give it a try. We experimented a couple of times and it was great and it didn't change our relationship. Then he got orders to go to Korea for 1 year(I could not accompany him) and again things were fine, we were in love and we truly missed eachother. After about 6 months he started trying to talk me into having sex with another man and telling him about it so he could get off. It took about 2 months of him trying to convice me to do it but I still had a really bad vibe about it. So I confided in my mother and she suggested that I tell him what he wanted to hear to see if he counter acted on it. We both suspected he had an alternative motive. So, I told him that I had sex w/ someone else (and I didn't) to see his reaction and he totally got off on it. I offered him the same deal to see if he would accept. Well he called me the very next day and said he had a sexual encounter with another woman. I almost went out of my mind!!! I was so upset and I admitted that I didn't really have a sexual encounter w/ another man that I was just testing him. So shortly after, he admitted that his encounter was not really with a woman but infact with a man. I thought he was just telling me that thinking I wouldn't be as upset, but he swore to the end that it was infact with a man. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck. I confided in a male friend of mine because I was so confused and I didn't know what to do. It was obvious that he was truly in love with me and I eventually fell in love with him too. My husband was soon to return from Korea and he knew that I was still confused and undecided but he begged and pleaded for me to forgive him and move to another state with him. I picked him up from the airport and I couldn't help but feel repulsed. Other than the strange sexual habits he was really a good guy. Sweet, attentive, funny, responsible and he spoiled me. So anyway, I fell out of love with him and decided to stay behind. I filed for a divorce and ended up dating the other guy. We are still together to this day, married w/ 2 great kids. The road has been a little rocky for us the past 2 years because he has become an alcoholic and he has been mentally and physically abusive, but we are on the mend. I was browsing on "myspace" and out of curiosity I looked him up and to my surprise I found him. He has just recently remarried and they seem to be very happy together. I was honestly very excited and happy to learn that he has found someone who genuinly loves him because I know he had a VERY difficult time when I left him. But now, I can't stop thinking about him! I keep wondering what it would have been like if I had stuck it out with him. I know it doesn't really matter because the past is the past and we've both moved on, but I can't get him out of my head!!! What is this? I'm not purposly obsessing over him and as much as I'm trying not to think about him, I can't stop!!! Could I possibly still love him? What in the hell is wrong with me? Thanks in advance!
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alcoholic, divorce, fell in love, military, my ex, sex with another Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Hi there,
I've said it a hundred times on this site , I think myspace and facebook are evil! People look up old lovers and swoon at what they see are perfect lives. Of course these are only snap shots of the most enjoyable moments,you don't see arguments, financial troubles , emotional problems or broken relationships on myspace, all you see are happy smiling faces . So the main advice I give you is never look up lost loves on these sites, the only thing they are going to do is cause heartbreak. Do that first and you are half way there to putting this back where it belongs, in the past.
I imagine with the rough ride you have had since you split up and go remarried has made things worse for you. But you said your relationship is on the mend, so I would focus all my energies there if I were you. Pining away for your ex will only make things worse. Eventually that smiling happy face on myspace will wear off and you can go on living your life. But stay away from Myspace!
good luck.
A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (14 February 2008):
Well some ideas about regaining positive feelings, consider this:
I believe that love is a living thing that requires feeding and nurturing. Much like a plant, if it is left uncared for it will eventually wither and die. However alos like a plant it can often be brought back from near dead with just the right amount of care and attention. Also like plant, nothing ever stays the same. A plant will grow and change, the trunk or get a little thicker, it may have more or fewer leaves, with time it may also show the effect of storms and bad seasons, but it can still be beautiful and gracious and give a lot of joy to those around it.
So it should be with your love for him. To forgive is not necessarily to forget. But forgiveness is a state of mind where you no longer hold the offence against the person who offended. We are none of us perfect and I do believe there is a lot of solace in treating others as we would like to be treated.
With your husband, treat him as if you are still deeply in love but do not be blind to his problems. Learn about what you can do to support him in his efforts to change. Also be aware he may well slip back into old ways and so require you to forgive him again. Only you can decide how many times you are prepared to forgive him but do consider it to be as many times as you would like him to forgive you if the roles were reversed.
With the right care and attention love and even trust can grow back but it will require nurturing. After a time your love may be even stronger than it was before because of what you have been through together.
Of course there will be many people who will advise leaving but at the end of the day only you are in a position to know if the investment you have made in this marriage is worth the effort to save it. Once you have made your decision stick to your guns and go for it.
Find things to remind you of his good qualities. Talk it through with him when neither of you are stressed and can discuss in private. If he gets all macho and defensive, just back off a little and give him a chance to get used to this new you and the open way you want to deal with things. Sometimes talking face to face can be hard, so maybe sometimes you will want to write him a note. At least that way you can revise it till you are sure it says what you want to say.
Never, never tell him something good followed by the word 'but'. It is an absolute killer and will undo everything you have tried to rebuild.
When he does something you find hard to deal with, tell him. But try to do it by explaining how it makes you feel rather than accusing him of getting it wrong. I am sure that your local library and bookstores will have many books about dealing with conflict in relationships. Borrow some and read them.
I know this sounds like you will be doing all the work, but change has to start somewhere and you sound ready to start. With the right incentive he will catch the drift and start doing his bit and when that happens you will have a real chance of success. After all when both partners in a marriage work together there is very little they cannot achieve.
You go for it girl and if I can help, message me. Do be prepared for a wait before I reply though cos I will be moving house shortly.
Good luck to you both and I hope 2008 is the best year for your family yet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honor and Namatjira, you two are absolutely right. I left him for a reason and it would have never worked out if I didn't. I wouldn't have the children whom I deeply adore and I would have probably wondered what life would have been like without my current husband. I really want it to work between us but I think I have subconciously repressed my feelings for him due to all the crap he has put me through. I want to feel that love, compassion and intimacy again and I think that may be where the "what if" factor is coming in. I've forgiven him but I can't force myself to feel the way I used to about him. Will this pass?Any suggestions? Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (14 February 2008):
It is quite normal to think "What if?" about past relationships. But we should also remember that there ware perfectly good reasons why that past relationship ended.
You can be happy for him now. It is okay to regret what might have been. But it is also right to remember that what is now is real and not what might have been. The guy you are with now seems to have stood by you when you needed it the most and that is good. You have invested time and effort into this new family and so it is worth investing more to bring things back to where they could be.
Perhaps distract yourself from the past by courting your present partner, doing things to make him feel special and that he has your love and loyalty. You may be surprised that with just that bit of extra effort into what you have now may help give him the self confidence he needs to deal with his issues. If however it reaches a limit that you can no longer support, make a clean break at that time before getting involved with anyone else. As for your ex, he is your ex and should stay that way.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honor +, writes (14 February 2008):
I think perhaps coming across one's ex is sure to have emotions for most people - sometimes the emotions are good, sometimes bad. But after alot of time has passed it can be easy to forget why you left the person and you may remember just the good times.
Plus it could also be that your current relationship has been through a rocky patch lately it is making you think "what if" or perhaps part of you is crying out for "something". But I say remember all the reasons you did split up in the first place. And if you did stay with him what would it have been like? Would you have been able to continue in that manner knowing he did cheat on you (whether with a man or woman) and would potentially do it again and was so interested in you having sex with other people? From the sounds of it you may have been even more unhappy if you stayed in such a situation.
So I say leave the past where it is, what you are feeling is probably nostalgia or feeling those "good ole days" which is fine - but at the same time do not let it cloud your rational senses. Try to focus on your current relationship for now and perhaps seek out the nostalgia and "good ole days" from your current relationship and remember why you fell in love with your current husband in the first place.
Good luck!x
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