A
female
age
51-59,
*ao2011
writes:I have been in a relationship which has not been working for a while and I longed to break away although I was emotionally very close to my partner. A few months ago I started having really strong feelings for one of his best friends who is also a very close friend of mine. We started seeing each other and we are now in a affair/relationship very intense but wrought with guilt and confusion. My boyfriend and I have now broken up but we are still living together while he is looking for a place to stay. I told him about my new relationship, he is upset about it but he thinks after a period we may be able to get back together. I am crazy about my friend and I think he is crazy about me but we have this awful sense of guilt which stops us from really enjoying the feeling. The truth about this is that my relationship with my now ex was just not right and my friend is not the reason why it did not work.Should I feel terrible about it? How are we going to make all our common friends accept that we just need to be toghether, even if it looks like betrayal?I tried to fight this feeling for months, I tried to shut my friend out, went for therapy and talked to myself everyday endlessly while obsessing about him.Please I need some advice. My friend is scared that it will all come out and that he is going to loose all his friends of a lifetime and I am scared of loosing him. I have three children from previous marriage but none with my recent ex boyfriend. I have been obsessed with for months and I just want to find peace, but also love and companionship.What do I do?
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I still see your justifying the wrong you've done. Just as your ex-bf will never be able to justify making you feel worthless, you will never be able to justify cheating on him. Him cheating you like crap, your dad cheating on your mom, seduction, etc., the excuses can go on and on but the fact will remain the same: you chose to cheat on him, instead of break up with him first.
I really don't think that you will be able to accept much advice or do much to make your situation better until you can put aside all blaming of other people, and just say
I cheated on him, it was wrong. It doesn't matter what he did to me or how he made me feel, I should have kept my integrity and did the RIGHT thing..
And that's what we all have to do. Even though life gives us hell and other people give us hell, we just push on through doing what we think is right.
Don't try to defend yourself.. just face it. Once you do that, you can take the situation for what it is, and deal with the consequences. If you want, write your ex a note telling him in your own, kind words... and take your time.. but tell him exactly what you felt he did wrong and right in the relationship. There's a chance he'll take it to right and it might help him to find better love in the future.
A
female
reader, pao2011 +, writes (22 March 2011):
pao2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers.
Believe me, I do know what's happened is not right.
However, the reason why things did not work with my now ex-bf is that he is controlling and tried to change me constantly, making me feel inadequate and awful about myself.
At the same time he portrayed himself to the outside world as my saviour and as the caring and all protective bf. I think he meant well but when I repeatedly over months explained to him that he was suffocating me and he wanted to make me into a different person he did not accept that at all and continued to tell me off and correct me (for my own good!!).
When he saw how depressed I felt about it all (including the fact I could not control the feeling for my friend- that he did not know though) he sent me to therapy.
I know that it looks really bad from the outside and that we have done the "dirty" on him, but he has been undermining my self worth for a long time and my friend/lover has been my medicine.
MY kids are ok, we have a very close and honest and loving relationship and are old enough to understand.
Please carry on giving me advise as I need it.
Thank you again xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): your current lover KNOWS what wrongs u both have done therefore he is so worried and scared that all his friends will see him as a 'evil' betrayal of a good friend.
expect gossip but after all they wont be telling lies, will they.
when you betray someone close and hurt someone unnecessarily expect that common friends will have no qulams distancing themselves from the betrayers.
i wish your ex all the peace because it is a sh1t feeling knowing that his friend is getting it on with you.
what about your kids, surely they will be confused. mum has moved from one friend to another. any ideas who can be a good role model to them???
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): If your ex is still living with you, he must move out. This is what is complicating things. It is over but he is still there. As he has hopes of rekindling your relationship, he is not going to move out quickly. You have to spell it out. Your new boyfriend can not be comfortable with this situation either. Sadly, to move things on, he has to move out and get somewhere else to live before you can feel at ease with a new boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (21 March 2011):
Yes, you should feel terrible because you had an affair with your bf's best friend.... All these things that you and him are afraid of happening now, are very likely, but those are the consequences of betrayal. I understand you think that whether or not his best friend was in the picture, you will still not be happy with him, but the fact is that you didn't have the will power or self control to keep yourself form cheating on him. You should have broken up with your bf before you started a relationship with someone else. Point and blank. The only thing that you can do is accept the wrong you have done, stop making excuses for it, and understand that there will be consequences now and instead of hoping that there won't be, assume that there will be, and start coming up with solutions on how to deal with them.
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