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female
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anonymous
writes: I have just broken up with my boyfriend and feel completely terrible about it. I have never been the one to end my relationships, I have always been dumped and been through some awful lows as a result, and now to hear my boyfriend say the same things to me that I have said in the past made me feel dreadful.I feel so horribly guilty but once before have been talked into 'giving it another go' because of these feelings. This made it even harder as I gave it my best go, and now he thinks I have been sending mixed messages. But I know deep down I don't love him and I never will. There is no-one else but I had to be true to myself as I was getting to the stage where I was sniping at him and destroying his confidence, because really i wanted out but was too gutless. Now I have done it and feel like a scummer. What can I say to make him feel better without giving false hope? I really have no idea how to handle this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): I have to say that initially i would have said that it is not your problem anymore, if he is your ex now, it is his problem the easiest thing for both of you is to move on, but then i read the reply here from someone who said that things can change back, and i just read a post here
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-you-rekindle-old-love.html
that shows that can happen, and the fact you are here asking a question, and caring so much and what i read in the below answer makes me suspect that you are not definetly never going to love him again if you indeed ever did.
Our of interest, what was life like for you two? Was it all bad? Did he never understand you? Did you do things together? Did you have anything in common? Was life ok apart from your lack of love? Did it fade alone or die to something that happened? Did it happen in response to how you were treated and how that made you feel? Has there been any other circumstances that could have affected how you are feeling? Moving, bereavement, a new baby, illness? If everyone was bad, then move on and let him worry about himself, but if there were positives and this was only negative, perhaps work on the issues that caused it to happen, councilling etc, always a shame to throw away a good guy, and he must be that as u have not put him down and even want to help him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): I am sorry that you are having this problem sweetie, many of us have been there. It is never nice when the love has gone, you have done the right thing by making the break once you were sure of things for you. I would suggest staying friends but not giving any more false hope. That is not nice and will prevent him moving on and he needs to do that.
You will find happiness again and your guilt will go, but also be aware that love does sometimes go, and also sometimes comes back - it happened to me, i knew i no longer loved my husband, went through the same thing and felt retched for it happening but made the break so i could find happiness and certainly did for a while.
I moved on with my life, felt happier, met someone else who was great, but although i was happier, something was now missing.
I saw my ex as we had to for the kids, and he even recovered so my guilt faded then the most unexpected thing happened from out of no where and shocked me. I saw the man i had fallen in love with in the start, i felt something small, looked at him, saw the good times and actually realised i missed some things - being looked after, being made to feel important, the fun we did have even when i lost my love for him, and realised that there were not many men who were such good people inside and missed having that type of man.
I knew then one of two things, either i had not fallen out of love with him at all, just become drained by unhappiness and the problems we had experienced in the first place had suppressed my love and being undecided for so long made me even more feel that my love was gone as it was the only logical answer, or that i was just simply falling in love with the good man he was again. There was a day before I met him that I didn’t love him as I didn’t know him, and I fell in love with him, and I think it may just have happened again.
I asked him out for a coffee, as friends, and we somehow started dating again like we did seven years earlier. I kept some distance as I was aware of how it went wrong before, but acted on how I felt at the time and we enjoyed each other company and got back together slowly. We had both learnt lessons from went on before, and the biggest thing for me was he knew what small things he had done led me to feel how I had felt.
We got back together and I would say we have now got the relationship we always had (we always got on) but without the bad things happening again so I cant this time feel like my love has gone. It has been the best last three years of my life, and I cant believe I nearly lost it or thought that I didn’t want it.
You may not ever feel that way, I just say it because everytime I hear this from someone I know that some cases it is gone and gone forever, and sometimes it is merely still there just so hidden it is impossible to see. I wish everyone would be open to the idea as I became because I know that this is now the best life I could ever lead.
Good luck with whatever you do, move on, be nice to him because he deserves that, but don’t ever be stubborn and close your heart forever as life can take unexpected turns if you are open minded and truthful to yourself and how you feel every day. If you never feel a spark, then you will be happy having moved on, or if you feel a small spark one day and ignore it, you may leave it too late and it will just grow and grow until you end up living a life of regret.
Only you know your own heart.
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