A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a wonderful man online (26) and we dated for two months. We were basically BF and GF without the title, and it was the perfect relationship. We never established or assumed exclusivity but considering all factors it’s highly unlikely he was seeing other people. He always shared the big and little things about this day/week (whether voluntarily or when asked) and loved to use this live photo app to show me what he was up to (whether out to dinner or working on his house). In a nutshell, he’s highly ambitious, independent, philosophical, a thinker, and a planner. He’s very money-oriented: works a busy job in finance, highly involved with stocks/trading, just bought a house and working on a second purchase, and runs a company on the side. Around week 5-6 I asked him where he felt we were heading (potential) and he basically said it’s too early for him to tell but he really likes me and wants to keep seeing/pursuing me. Well this Saturday (two months) we were having late night conversation and I asked his three weaknesses. “Fear of commitment” was one of them and this struck as a red flag to me. He gave various examples and I asked “like relationships (as well)?” He hesitantly said yes and something like “because when you’re committed, you cannot just make decisions for yourself, you have to take into account the other person.” He also mentioned that was partial reason why he dated foreign exchange students in college. I said “this actually goes into what I wanted to ask you next week” as I told him I had some questions (since Sat was a special occasion for us). I then asked him about exclusivity. He said it’s a tough question and asked for a week to think about it. I declined and told him to let me know by tomorrow (Sun) and also explained that I could only accept exclusivity. He then said “when presented when an ultimatum I usually choose the more selfish answer” in other words he said No to exclusivity. I replied that because I really like him, I couldn’t keep seeing him if it wasn’t exclusive. He asked if we could still meet next Sat and after I made it clear we weren’t going to see one another anymore, he was extremely hurt and asked to stop talking about the topic. While driving back to his place to get my car, he held/stroked my hand the entire time very tightly. I said a couple more things to him but he acted like he couldn’t hear me. Then at his place, my car had trouble so we waited for service. He asked me to please lie down (in his room) and he held me very tightly while crying. It was heartbreaking. It’s not that I “realized” how much he cared for me though, because I’ve always known and he’s always showed it. We have an amazing connection and are intimate in public (even when we ran into his friends). I already cut him from all social media and I know it’s over. But I can’t help but wonder even if it’s useless thinking… What’s his deal? Did he want everything that comes with a relationship except for the commitment part? I’ve told him before basically that my clothes don’t come off until its official and he’s always been very respectful of that (and respectful in general). So it’s not like he gets to have the sex part. And he even spoiled me on my birthday. So my questions are… What could possibly cause this Fear of Commitment? And is it ever worth pursuing a relationship with a commitment phone? For what it’s worth, I’m the logical type and he’s the hyper logical type. And he doesn’t get along with his family (calls himself the “black sheep” too). But knowing how much he cares for me, how did he so easily choose to say No? Thank you for your kind advice.
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (1 February 2016):
 To answer your updated questions OP, NEVER ask men if they would consider exclusivity. I don’t know how to say this, but Im not sure if you’ve had much dating experience from your questions. I hope you’ve met a quite a few men online to get a jest on how it all works (by that I mean you know who you are, what you will settle for and wont, what you are seeking, what MEN are and what men want, what YOU WANT). I want you to throw everything you know about him right out the door right now because its not going to help you. The black sheep, he was logical, rational, hurt, etc ---essentially throw it all out. Its swallowing you up into desperation, and no youre not desperate but Im reading into this that you want him back. But men first and foremost---- want a woman they respect. She doesn’t need to be rich, sexy, beautiful, or famous to gain a man’s respect. There are men who chase beautiful women to only fall for a confident average looking girl. There are men who think they want high maintenance virgin but end up faling in love with the girl who had sex with him right away. There are men who MARRY famous women but end up cheating with the unknown nanny. Its all about HOW a woman feels about herself, at any given moment. The only way to make this work with him is if youre willing to get in touch with how you truly feel. Stop thinking, start feeling. Men don’t really care about WHO you are, theyre interested in what you are. And how you make them FEEL---because of how you feel about yourself.Right now I sense insecurity from you and that’s not going to help you in this situation if you want him back. He was falling for you and pursuing you because of how you felt about yourself (confidence, logical, etc) it was making him weak for you. He couldn’t even bear losing you and held you crying, ultimate signs of how much you make him melt (spoiling you on your birthday, asking to see you on Saturday even after you ended things) . Men work differently from women, hes expressing how much he misses you via text right now but hes pulling away. He probably felt weak from the break up and wants to bury himself in work, it’s a male-ego-protection mechanism. Some men end up sleeping with other women, some bury themselves at work, some go out drinking and get wasted, etc. Right now hes not hearing you clearly but hes still open to you. I just sense that right now after dealing with a wounded ego, hes burying himself at work to boost his self esteem. Its natural, it’s a very male thing.DON’T take it personally. DON’T ask for exclusivity. This all comes a place of desperation and neediness and Men can sense it and feel the the yuck in it. Men are going to be turned off by it. MEN GIVE, women receive. If he offers exclusivity, your power is in saying yes or no. You do not offer it, its manly and it will kill any possible romance in the relationship. DON’T ASK IF YOU CAN SEE HIM. Hes going to pull away. He still has feelings for you but a man’s ego is the most sensitive part of themselves. You just ended things, hes going to need time. If he wants to see you, he will ask you out. Right now my advice to start dating. Meet different men, actually work on the girly side of you, GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS. When he text you, be open and inviting and state how you feel. You can say ‘Hey, I’m sorry how things ended as well. Just wanted to let you know I was seeking something exclusive but I probably should have thought things through a bit more. I’m really sorry about that. ’ THEN pull away. You’ve said your truth, showing sincereity, depth and compassion to him and you. Then drop the topic and move on. Do not reminisce on it anymore. DO NOT Bring it up anymore. Its over. Mourn it and let it pass. Hes trying to do the very same thing. Men do not like feeling weak, especially rational thinking men.Then start dating. Go out and have fun. Just because you want something exclusive does not mean you cant have fun, enjoy a night out, let a man compliment you or take you out dancing. Work on understanding that men and women want the same thing but at different paces and this place of understanding can only come after you date MORE men and see things from their perspective as well.A few years ago I was an absolutely uptight dater (sounds familiar? Seeking commitment early on, very picky about who I even met for coffee) but it was absolutely awful. I felt bad often, mainly about myself. I had on a pretty clothes and nicely done makeup on my face, but I felt UPTIGHT, I couldn’t relax. And it took a while, but I started dating. I met a guy for coffee, then I continued to date point where I was busy with work, but meeting 5-6 guys for coffee every week. At the same time I was casually seeing my ex (because he didn’t want to commit and I never ask because I started to enjoy being single and letting other men take me out too). Pretty soon I had a full schedule and most importantly I was having SO MUCH FUN. My mornings were full of funny interesting conversation at coffee shop with men, amazing evenings with my ex, and saying YES to all the guys online who wanted to meet me for coffee. I was continuously meeting new men, even men I wasn’t attracted to but there was no harm in letting them take me out and engaging in some of the most interesting and fun conversations I have ever had. Lawyers, nerdy sci-fi fans, surgeons, IT guys, you name it, I met him. I started understanding men from all the stories they told me; we’d exchange stories about our childhoods, our interests, experience with online dating, we’d laugh about the statistics, joke and offer each other advice. I learned men were as insecure about dating as women, most wanted love and commitment too, too many were great guys that were passed up online because women were seeking an idealized man instead. My eyes were open to how this WHOLE dating experience was a human experience and not a male or female thing. I started to understand that there isn’t this thing call fear of commitment, but lack of certainty about who is the right person for us because we are bombarded with the media, with our personal lives, and with what love meant. I came to realize that physical and sexual compatibility was important but not as important as emotional compatibility. It was the most enriching experience I have ever had and I also made a few really close friends. Anyways, I just wanted to highlight why dating is so vital to your understanding how dating works and how men work and how you work. Nothing is personal. You truth is yours though, when you meet the right guy you may have to compromise about when exclusivity happens. He might not ask you to be his gf right away, but if he is being attentive and loving, you can compromise on waiting because hes SHOWING you all the right signs. Getting in touch with your feelings will work for you---when he comes back and wants to see you again (at his pace now and after hes recovered from the rejection) he will be amaze to see that you’ve grown up a bit and have developed some emotional juices. Your dating experience will only give to your experience with this man, it never takes anything away from it. It only gives you the experience to see in him more clearly, to understand him more, and even yourself. Only by meeting more men, do you become more sure about the ONE you do want. And also with that perspective, its easier to relax, have fun,laugh, feel flirty AND sexy . A whole new you, means you start afresh with him. A relationship cannot work or be rekindled if you go back or rehash what has happened, you have to move forward and start anew. As I say, it starts first with the woman.Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016): OP here. I also want to mention that throughout our relationship he has signed onto his dating site occasionally. Maybe I should've turned a blind eye but as our relationship progressed it started to bother me. I feel strongly about him, and I'm almost willing to keep seeing him non-exclusively. I know only I can say whether that's okay (for me) but I truly don't know right now. Is it worth re-pursuing to find out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016): OP here. Thank you for your insightful responses. Well, he ended up texting me expressing how much he misses me but that's it. I responded by reciprocating and then asking if he would consider exclusivity if we took things very slowly and at his pace. I said he doesn't have to respond that day and I understand if his answer hasn't changed. He responded today saying "I know you care for me and I do care about you too. I really miss you and just wanted to see you. It seems so drastic the way we ended things. I really have a lot on my mind now."Dear aunties, please share your thoughts. I truly want to give our relationship a second chance but seeing he avoided my question and didn't say much, now I'm not so sure. Is he only doing this to comfort himself? I haven't responded yet and not sure if I will.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (28 January 2016):
He loved you dearly, to hold you and cry openly when he is the logical, thinking type of person. I'm not sure if you know what you just did to him, Im not sure if you can still explore that relationship anymore as it seems hes had to dealt with losing you so suddenly. With my understanding, logical thinking men are highly sensitive and losses wound them deeply (even though they put up a rational front), and it may seem like you rejected him completely, even his own offer to give you a more thought-out answer in a week.You said youre logical, but you seem emotional. You want exclusivity even though youve known he has been nothing but commmitted to you and has shown you deep affection and love, yet you demanded ultimatum right away. Men DO NOT work that way. Whether it was with him or another man. Im sure if you dated a nice more emotional man who said yes immediately, you would quickly lost respect for him. A man too quick to please can easily turn women off too.Him being logical, he wanted to think. He works in finance, owns a home, ---wouldnt you have guessed he needed a week to work things out in his mind? Wouldnt you have felt he would have yes? It feels like you dont think highly of him or trust him enough that he would have made the RIGHT decision for you both. He couldnt say yes now because a logical man thinks farther than we women, that is why it takes longer for a man to commit. Men need to know whether they love you enough, that they are with a respectful woman, that every decison here on out is for you BOTH and not just for him (conveying how mature his words was about exclusivity; he takes it very serious Im assuming)---and also hes really young--hes 26. A logical person would have taken this all into account.I dont think he was crying because he loved you enough to find a someone who would be exclusive, HE WAS ALREADY exlusive but hasnt taken enough time to think about what that means just yet about his life and yours to make a decision right now ---and he was mourning your loss. He knew what you meant to him and he had to let you go because he respected you. Exclusivity is not in words but in actions and if hes logical, he prob expresses very little. Anyways, healthiest relationship become exclusive around 5 months to a year. I know if you have given him more time, he probably would have had enough time to think things through. If he was everything you have wanted, it easily could have been fixed by allowing yourself to date him further (5 months to a year), see his actions and then trust him completely. Trust that in time, he would make the right decision for you both. That he would say what he means because he is a good man and because he loves you.I never once asked for commitment from guys I dated. I knew that if I wanted to keep seeing them I did and if I didnt, I didnt. My ex wanted go casual and I remember thinking about what that meant and how it wounded me a little but immediately I smiled and said yes. Months later after many great days and nights together, he turned to me and said Im his girlfriend. I didnt need say more, I trusted that he didnt know what he was saying when he said he wanted casual but after everything, he came around to know he wouldnt be him if I wasnt there. That no other woman made him laugh so much or made him felt that good or manly or trusted. I knew exclusivity came from his feelings and not his words.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2016): To answer your latest question, I am dating a commitment phobe. We have been together for 4 years. It can happen, but you need to be honest with yourself about what you can and can't handle. I was very upfront in the beginning with my boyfriend that it was not an option to not be exclusive. He agreed, but only if we took it "very" slow. It took him nearly 8 months to say I love you. We saw each other only 2 days a week, he couldn't handle anymore than that. He needed his space. He broke up with me two years in because he was scared of where we were going; he was scared of commitment. A few months later he wanted me back, we moved in together and here we are today.You have to know your limits. If you can't handle him not saying we're "officially offical", he's not for you. If you can go at his pace, then it could potentially work. It is very hard, however, and will take a lot of compromise on your part. Are you ready to move at his speed? Are you ready for him to potentially take YEARS to want to take the next step? Are you ready for the potential that he may NEVER want to get married? That he may never want children (most commitment phones don't)? If the answer is no to any of those, he's not the one for you. And that's okay. If, however, you are okay with the above, it can work. Just be honest with yourself from the beginning so you don't set yourself up for disappointment by trying to change someone who may never change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2016): OP here. Everyone's answers are so helpful. Thank you so much.
Janniepeg, your description of him is so accurate, I'm stunned. It helps to hear it from you too.
If anyone's still reading, is it ever worth it to pursue a relationship with a commitment-phobe / him? Or is that only setting myself up to get hurt? I'm also the independent and logical type, and I don't care for family closeness (other than with my own kids). But I know it's more complicated than that. Curious to have some insight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2016): There are several reasons for a fear of commitment. The fear that the relationship may be stifling or distracting. Lacking the ability to share. Selfishness. Insecurity. Fear of losing the option of a variety of sex-partners. Or, the wisdom to know that establishing a real and meaningful relationship takes time and nurturing. Sometimes people are fearful of giving up their heart, to have it broken again.
My boyfriend and I dated steadily for nearly a year before I felt like committing to the the relationship exclusively. I was in no hurry, and he had the option to move-on if he felt I was moving too slow.
I am a very physically and emotionally affectionate person. I demonstrate my feelings. I show affection through touch, and I do acts of kindness without even thinking about it. People can grow attached to the "kindness;" so I have to know how deep those feelings run, before I decide to completely throw myself into it. I had a relationship that was healthy and strong for nearly 30 years, until my partner died. Each relationship thereafter was different. No two are the same, because they are with different people.
So each person I've been with since my partner died has left a different impression on me. I didn't commit, or breakup. I just dated. We changed the connection from dating to friendship. Now I have a lot a wonderful friends.
With my current boyfriend; I voluntarily became exclusive from day one, without official notice. Only because it was clear that this man cares for me. However; I got dumped ten months into a relationship over a before this one. So I knew I should proceed with caution, but not hold him to blame for what someone else did to me. I also wanted him to be certain of how he really feels about me. That it wasn't just his loneliness, lust(he's great in the sack) that was driving him. I am not perfect, so I've never held any expectation to meet someone who had everything I ever wanted. That's a tall order, because I myself could never fill it for anyone else. However; I can say I found a great match! I wasn't even looking. It just happened!
Fear of commitment stems from many things. Mostly not wanting to be tied down or feeling that you'll have no sense of freedom. I wanted my boyfriend to know he could have friends, I respect his privacy, he can go out on his own, make personal decisions, and feel free to seek my opinion when he needs my advice. I get the same in return.
Being mature and having the wisdom of experience helps.
He grew on me. He has many special qualities. He too is a very rich man. He built his own successful business. He had a series of broken relationships before me. Most ending in cheating on him, or just guys infatuated with his body or his money. I saw the good man that he is. He's generous, fair, loving, funny, and strong. Yet, I took my time. I committed when I was ready. Until I felt he cares deep enough, and was patient enough to wait. We're all grown-up. So we aren't a couple of starry-eyed horny adolescent gay males.
We're strong and virile types; who know what we want, and what we have to give to get it.
He didn't push, but his magnetism held fast. I couldn't let go. He often would say a casual "love-ya baby" at the end of the night, or a call. I would not use the L-word, until I truly meant it. I wanted to say it sooooo badly many times, but it wouldn't come out. One day across the dinner table after laughing at a joke, it flew out of my mouth. "I really love you!" We stared at each other for like five minutes without a word. Then we both burst out laughing and he hugged me with those huge arms until I couldn't breath.
He may be afraid to commit for his own reasons. Rushing him may not be the best thing. He may be like me. I'm not afraid of commitment, but I don't rush into anything until I'm sure what kind of feelings are coming my way. I know what I feel, and I know how to show my feelings. If I feel rushed or pushed, I back-off. That's me, not necessarily your boyfriend. Just consider that it might be the case.
I think you're rushing it a bit.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 January 2016):
 He easily said no because he knew you deserved someone who does not have commitment problems. He loved you enough to let you go. He comes across as a loner, a free spirit who would feel very restricted in a relationship. Black sheep to me means someone who rebels against rules and traditions. Someone who does not appreciate family gatherings and would quickly criticize the norm, always needing to know the truth and the deep meanings behind things. He's highly intelligent but at the same time feels upset that he's so different from others. He would still date because he's still human and yearns for a connection, just not a suffocating one like in a marriage where all the family members are in your case.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2016):
 Maybe he just didn't like to be pushed or rushed?
I think (particularly) guys, who claim to have issues with commitment, mention it in the beginning so they HAVE a way out if they aren't feeling it. It's like creating an alibi, a preexisting excuse.
I do think it is fair to ask for exclusivity, but I think maybe you should have given him a little time to think on it, not wanting to ram it down his throat like an ultimatum. Many people (myself included) DO not respond well to ultimatums.
And it has ONLY been 2 months. If there were no sings of him dating others, pursuing others, you basically HAD exclusivity with him, but like the UNSPOKEN titles it was also UNSPOKEN. If you were OK with "UNSPOKEN" titles (or really non existent) titles, why force the issue with exclusivity so soon? If you don't want to have sex unless you are exclusive - that is fine - but wouldn't you want BOTH the "title" AND the exclusivity to go hand in hand?
But going on your question:
What can cause fear of commitment in general? There are a slew of reasons, they vary I think, as much as the people who "suffer" from them.
He sounds VERY independent and ambitious so maybe he has a lot more to "prove" to his family - basically to be super successful and "show them" that the whole "black sheep" was THEIR mistake in not seeing his potential.
He could have/ have had parents who weren't around much or watched a bitter divorce...
Or an ex GF who treated him like crap...
Or he just likes to have a convenient "out" in case it's not what he wants.
Dating only foreign exchange students kind of shows that he sees partners as... easily replaceable.
So many reasons to that kind of behavior, but only HE knows why HE feels that way.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 I don't think this has anything to do with the feelings he has for you, it is clear that he cares deeply about you. I think he just got scared and he said no. He doesn't want to let his guard down around you, or by the sounds of it any other woman. I cannot answer why he has commitment issues, maybe some girl has hurt him in the past or maybe he has saw his parents going through some commitment issues?
It must be very difficult for you to give up on this relationship, especially when you know he wants this but he cannot commit because he is scared. It truly is heartbreaking. I am unsure if he will help himself, maybe you could try and talk to him and suggest he sees someone about his issues. Tell him you care to much to ignore something that might be special between you both. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2016): OP here. I also wanted to ask, did I give him too much pressure on being exclusive? How likely would his answer be different if given a week to think or if I asked a month later?
At the time, I figured that if he needs to think that hard then he's not the one. But he's truly everything I've been looking for and I regret not taking it slower. And seeing how hurt he was, I can't help but feel he WANTED to commit but couldn't do to fear or other reasons. Is he worth re-exploring or am I just wasting my time?
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