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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Just a curious question. I have a friend whos 20 dating a 42 year old man with a 15 year old kid.......am i wrong for thinking he's a freak? And now she ses she has feelings for him! Its like dude where do u think this is gonna go? I tell ya where...heartbreak and embarrassment.This guy is feeding her all kinds of "your so amazing" sweet talk and i wish she would see that if someone ses that on a first date, (even though it is true), and gets u into bed.....its sweet talk. A fling is a fling but if he breaks her heart ill break his hip. Please respond asap! I am truly worried for her on this one. It really scares me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell she has grown close to this guy now. I haved changed for the better during this whole ordeal but it doesnt seem to really matter anymore. We barely talk anymore even though she makes it like everything is ok. Every day we used to text and talk about nothing for hours....now im lucky to get 20 or 30 minutes every 2 days. I can also tell that when we talk shes only doing it to make me feel better, but the act of conversing with me no longer interests her. I love her very much and all i want is to make her happy. So i'm beginning to feel like giving up. Maybe seeing her isnt such a great idea, it will only confuse her and hurt us both again in the end. I think letting her go will be best in the end. Its just hard because i have never felt so strong for someone in my life. I hope this guy knows how truly lucky he is.
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reader, oldfool  +, writes (14 September 2008):
 Now we have a bit more detail.
* Not just a friend, but your (ex-)girlfriend.
* He got her drunk and got into bed with her.
* He's (apparently) trying to control her and make her to stay away from you.
OK, in this case it seems that you have a reason to be upset. Still, despite your understandable feelings of rivalry and jealousy, I'd stop worrying about this guy and concentrate on the girl. If you want her back you've got to charm her back, not bully her back. Does that make sense?
His age doesn't make him a pervert. However, he is older and more experienced and he knows what he's doing. That makes him a rather powerful rival for her affections. If he got her into bed on the first date, and got her drunk to boot, then my feeling is that no, it's not a good thing. To be honest, it sounds like he's preying on her (although there's nothing to say that he doesn't feel genuine affection for her -- stranger things have happened.)
I wish you luck and hope you manage to get this girl back. But please, please don't try caveman tactics. I don't think it will help and could actually drive her away instead of bringing her back. You've got to be BETTER than this guy, and speaking about him with contempt only shows that you feel you're in a position of weakness. Don't get flustered or contemptuous, no matter how much it riles you that he got to your ex.
And by the way, if you'd been up front with the background, you might have got more sympathetic responses in the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk i might have fibbed about something here, first off flynn 24 why did u answer anonymous? Scared to tell ur age...or just plain scared? Watch ur old ass mouth. This 42 year OLD MAN has dated my ex girl once and he is already trying to control who she talks 2 an what she dus......we were talking of getting back together(the only reason we broke up was long distance, we are very much in love...and i actually love for who she is an not her age flynn u ignorent moron) then she went on a date with this sick ass date rape old man, he got her drunk...prob cus hes so damn old theres no other way....sweet talked her an got her into bed. Now he is telling her bad things about me an trying to convince her not to see me....make no mistake i am coming out there, and there will be hell to pay when i get there. Lets see how much this old woman talks when 5'11" an 190 lbs of straight 22 year old mixed martial arts fury is starin him right in the face. Who will be the cowering little girl then i wonder? Have a nice day all
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): They are both adults and you should be ashamed of yourself.
It is NONE of your business, NONE, who either of these people choose to date.
It might be a suprise to an immature little girl like you, but a two people can fall in love in seconds. It's rare and almost never happens. But whose to say it isn't.
Just because he's middle-aged and she's in her 20's, doesn't make it sick. It makes it left-of-field. But not immoral or bad.
It just means they found something in each other that neither have found in others so far.
It may work out and it may not. Either way. stay the hell out of the way and be supportive of it. Thats all you have a right to do.
Flynn 24
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reader, oldfool +, writes (11 September 2008):
"But i think 22 years is strange....an kinda sick....being 22 myself i cant remember the last time i dated an infant."
"they are both "using" each other, and so it's not a victim thing"
I disagree with both these statements.
Anyone who thinks that a 22-year age gap is "kinda sick" is rather immature. You need to seriously reconsider your prejudices. And your friend is 20 years old, she is far from being an "infant".
As for "using" each other, the point is that at 20 a person is still young, immature, and open to manipulation.
The fact that this guy ditched his wife and kid in favour of a younger woman is a warning sign. He could be a predator. He could be out to use her. He could be stupid and unable to help himself. But he could be just a guy who genuinely likes this friend of yours. The fact that he is 22-years older or whatever is not really relevant, and you need to get that sick notion out of your head. You sound more like a 16 year old than a 22 year old.
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reader, Lovexpert +, writes (10 September 2008):
The 42 year old man is trying to find something in youth that isn't there. The truth is he's being incredibly immature and irresponsible. Nonetheless, your friend is not a victim here either. She is being just as immature and irresponsible. I don't know what they are trying to get out of the relationship, but I've never ever seen a relationship with that much age gap end in anything but pain. Nonetheless, it is almost always just as much pain for the older person as the younger. They are both setting themselves up and will be worse off for it. That said, they are both "using" each other, and so it's not a victim thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell i wanna start off saying i apreciate the input. But i think 22 years is strange....an kinda sick....being 22 myself i cant remember the last time i dated an infant. I know your all old an wanna feel young again....so yea date some one younger....5 years no biggie...even 10...15...maybe Whatever, but 22 is a bit outa control and shows some mental issues, possibly a mid life chrisis if u will. Look at your children people....now think of your age difference,so is it ok for your 18 year old daughter to date a 40 year old man? Same gap. Or better yet is it responsible to be setting that example for ur 15 year old kid? This guy left his wife and his kid for a younger secretary, and that sounds pretty immature and irresponsible to me...and now hes back for more using my friend, so i think he is a perverted sicko. Its not the 1920's anymore people wake up....its not ok.
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reader, lexilou  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 If its meant to be it will last, if it isnt it wont its that simple. Age doesnt always matter, and 42 isnt OLD, im only 40 , dont look it and apart from having a bigger mortgage, more responsibility, 3 kids, a wonderful husband and a bit more wisdom (but not much) I dont feel any different to how I did in my 20's.
Its nice you care but she has to live her own life and make mistakes too if thats what it turns out to be x
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reader, oldfool +, writes (10 September 2008):
But you don't really give enough information, really. He left his wife for a younger woman, but the younger woman left him. Now he wants another younger woman.
Apart from a weakness for younger women, I can't see that there is anything terribly wrong with this guy, except that he's "old" and that freaks you out.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (10 September 2008):
The age gap isn't relevant, and that's all you mentioned in your post.
The information you give about his previous behaviour (which is what it seems to be -- I had trouble making sense of it) is relevant. If this guy has a track record with 20-year-olds, then it's quite possible that you should be worried about your friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): I'm Immature......i am not the 42 year old man trying to whoo a twenty year old girl with sweet talk an alchohol, who left his life for a previous secretary and gave the old "she convinced me to leave and im such a victim" speach to the next 20 year old secretary he got whilst convincing her he likes her so much, which im sure he dus but not for her personality...not after one date. Let me tell u the true story....or what i like to call "common sense" he ruined his own life selfishly after convincing his last secretary how much they were meant 4 each other because she was younger and better than his current situation.....she realized her huge mistake and peaced out. THE END. And now hes playing mind games with a good friend of mine.
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Ok, so I would certainly be an old guy - in your opinion - but I think that you are quite immature and very judgmental. In these times when it seems that every prior taboo about relationships have vanished - such as interracial for just one - then why should an older man be excluded from loving a younger woman? Or vice-versa?
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