A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this is my question. If a man that you are in a serious relationship with does not tell you that he is having lunch dates with different women (strickly as friends) is that cheating? He always mentions his lunch dates with men, but for some reason he forgets to mention the women. Now don't get me wrong, I trust him, and I do believe that nothing else went on, and maybe he didn't tell me because he thought I would get upset.My feeling is if your afraid to tell your partner for whatever reason, then you know you shouldn't be doing it. In that case, would that be a form of cheating? It makes me wonder, does he want a relationship with these women, and flirting, hoping something comes of it, or is it just lunch?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 You're not asking whether or not it's normal for a taken man to go out for lunch with women friends, but whether consistently forgetting to mention them, while always remembering the outings with men friends is cause for alarm. That's correct?If so, I'd say it would get my attention, but not necessarily be cause for alarm. He clearly feels uncomfortable telling you about his outings with women, but that in itself is not cheating. Nor does it suggest he wants anything more with these women friends.I suggest you let him know, casually and without expecting a response or any kind of promise, that you are fine with him going out with women friends so he need not hide it from you. The more relaxed and confident you seem, the more comfortable he is going to feel and the more honest he is going to be. You can keep a lazy and discreet eye on the situation.Make sure this benefit of the doubt goes both ways. Don't grant him any special priviledges you don't enjoy yourself. What's good for the gander...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 I've been known to go out to lunch and forget to tell hubby. Men or women.
And yes I've gone to lunch with a married man. He's a friend of mine.
It's the same guy all the time. I like him very much. AS A PERSON. When we started this he was not married. now he is and NOTHING HAS CHANGED... for either of us.
And I'm betting that since you think he would think you are upset about him having lunch with a woman (as you indicate here that you are by just asking the question) Perhaps his POV was to spare you any psychic pain and nothing is going on.
I go out to lunch or try to go to lunch with this one guy at work at least once a week just the two of us sometimes... NOTHING Is going on.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 January 2013):
 It's very normal for people in work situations to be work friends but nothing more.
As a group four or five of us will often go out to lunch together. It's harmless and we just get to know each other better as work friends.
To not go would be more unusual than to go to the lunch.
Or sometimes we make a shared lunch at work so we all contribute something and sit down to have lunch.
It is so uneventful that I may or may not mention it at home, since it happens so often. It's part of getting on well with colleagues and nothing inappropriate ever occurs.
Perhaps your husband is aware that you are particularly sensitive about any possibility of cheating. And he knows he has not cheated.
But he wanted to avoid it turning into a mountain rather than a mole hill
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I think there are lots of other details that apply to your question. For example:
- Is this a one-on-one lunch? ... or part of a group who takes lunch together?
- Is it the same woman? ... often?
- What are the alternative lunch/eating arrangements that are available to your man?
- Does your man work with this woman/these women?
- What does he tell you about his lunch-times? .... some with his guy-friends... and some with lady-friends...
I'd be suspicious (as you seem to be)..... since an innocent "lunch" rendez-vous has great potential to lead to an after-work sessions of "mattress dominos".....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): I believe you don't trust him because if you did, whatever reason he gives, and your own instincts would be enough, and you wouldn't need to ask for second opinions. If I'm being honest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I don't think having lunch with friends of the opposite gender constitute as cheating - at all.
Now if these are RANDOM women - then I would find it odd. That fact that he doesn't tell you, I find odd too. Maybe because he is afraid of how you will react? That doesn't mean is he "trying" to cheat, but more that he doesn't think you trust him.
I would definitively sit him down and talk to him about this. And try and have a talk in a non accusatory manner.
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A
female
reader, Lolahip  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 okay , i've never dated , so this is just what i would do. if you have any close freinds who are loyal to you but know him well ask them what they think , they might know something you dont. pretened your phone isn't working and ask to borrow his , say its a private call , go somewhere else and check his past texts incase you find stuff from other women. if that doesn't work , just ask him. if he truly loves and understands you , he'll understand and if he is loyal he will answer truthfully , but like i say , im just guessing.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (2 January 2013):
 "My feeling is if your afraid to tell your partner for whatever reason, then you know you shouldn't be doing it." -In a nutshell.If hes afraid to tell you, then that should be raising alarm bells that possibly something is amiss, if your behaviour is innocent, you'd be completely honest about it.Or it could be the complete opposite and he doesn't want to alarm you or put any skeptical thoughts into your head. If you haven't shown any signs that you in anyway distrust him, i don't know how he could come to this conclusion.You're better off asking him about it and why he kept them a secret, explain your suspicions, he is the only one who can give you your real answer.Good luck
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