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male
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anonymous
writes: Should I stay or should I go? I've been dating this gal for only a week. A little background, we are both mature adults 40+. She is nice, attractive, and seems to have a good career. The problem here; is she acting too needy or just lacking in social sophistication? Since we’ve meet we’ve seen each other two times already. Our time spent together so far has been much longer than the usual dating routine. It’s as if she wants to spend as much time as possible with me. Some things that she does to concern me are as follows: She wants to see me more often. She tells me how she's counting the days till we get together again, that she misses me, how much she likes me, or planning future dates. Once every day she likes to text me and also talks to me each evening. That's nice but that behavior alone bothers me. It’s as if she’s moving too fast, somewhat clingy, or plain honesty? I believe I’m dating a nice but much less sophisticated woman here. I’m not comfortable being with a woman who lacks sophistication and a bit bothered by it too, but willing to give it a go for now. The most important issue here is that there is not much interesting or intelligent content in our conversations together. Sometimes I feel like I'm only appeasing her when we talk. It's uncomfortable as if I’m only going through the motions with her. I don’t see how [in lacking sophistication] there is a way to even discuss this with her. Is this enough to move on or give it more of a chance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): I understand your pain because I am a woman who was dating a much less sophisticated man. I feel for him and tried to stay friends but he feels that two dates is serious and does nothing but converse about relationships (he's had 2) and how hard they are, and how he can't figure women out. Every phone and in-person conversation always turns to this. He has no hobbies and only joins clubs to meet that special woman, having no plans to continue on afterward. Presumably he will then spend every waking hour together with her gazing into each other's eyes.
I want to meet someone and he knows this, just can't understand why I don't just naturally settle for him since we're both "lonely." Then he gets mad and pouty if I don't acquiesce.
He is perfect for another woman out there I am sure, but just not me. I believe that may be your situation too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): It would be noble if you didn't have sex with her before you really understand if you want to keep on seeing her. If you still will have sex with her feeling about her not being sofisticated and needy and all, and then drop her she will be devastated. I know it takes a lot from a guy just walk away without being intimate at least couple times, but that would be a good thing to do. She is definitely insecure, probably from previous relationship, being in her forties and still not finding someone to be with. You are just adding to her collection of failed relationships by continiuing this without liking her that much.Some men actually prefer women that don't talk that much. I think she is just not the right one for you.On another hand seems like something attracts you in her. I would keep going a few more times without intimacy to see may be she will calm down with her intensity about contacting you so much. The fact that you think it's hopeless to discuss things with her doesn't give me much hope that it will work though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): run like hell mate,looks like this bird wants marriage,kids etc
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (15 November 2008):
 Your choice of words ("lacking in sophistication") is interesting. At the risk of sounding extremely rude, I would probably be much blunter and call her "boring". That is not very charitable, I know, but the fact is that there are some people whose best performance doesn't come in the area of scintillating conversation. She may have lots of excellent qualities -- she may be a great lover, a devoted mother, a caring person, a person of great insight into people's feelings, a fantastic cook -- but for you, at least, that is not enough to compensate for the lack of sparkle in your interactions. It is also possible that she is aware that she's not a great conversationalist and hopes that her eagerness will swing the balance in her favour.
Given your misgivings, I would be very careful about continuing with the relationship. At some stage your dissatisfaction with the way she is could boil over into unkindness, with quite unhappy results for the entire relationship. Of course, at some stage in your life you may come to appreciate a person who is not necessarily witty but is "there" for you. But at this stage I don't think you find this kind of person attractive. There are many different kinds of people in the world. I would go and find another one.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (14 November 2008):
 Ain't technology grand? When someone moves in too fast, wanting to communicate every day in a new relationship it is a sign of not being involved in much. If the conversations aren't going well (IE: not much stimulation) then I think she probably is doesn't have much going on. If you are looking for someone who can be your intellectual equal then she probably isn't right for you. However, it could be that she is feeling insecure and isn't talking much.
If you don't say this is all bothering you eventually you will really want to avoid her as she WILL smother you. So if you like her and think some of this is just the newness of the relationship, have a talk with her.
I would not want to have daily communications with someone I just met, it would drive me away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): I understand your dilemma. You don't want to get in deeper if it's not going to work out. If you don't enjoy your time with her (with your clothes on) then it's not going to work. Communication is the 2nd most important thing in building a relationship. The first is trust! If a woman (or a man) acts too desparate, it is definitely a turn-off! You've only gone out with her twice. If she's annoying now, imagine if you two were exclusive, or living together. Maybe, give it one more shot, take her out and when the time feels right. Open the lines of communication...start by telling her all the good things you see in her, and gradually get to the things that are bothering you. Tell her she's moving too fast, that you don't need a text or phone call every day...or whatever you are feeling, and be sure you say you would like things to go forward, but you don't want to feel smothered (or something to that effect)
if she knows how you feel maybe she will realize she's being excessive and will chill some!
I hope everything works out for you whichever way you decide to play your cards!
Good Luck!
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