A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Writing this has taken some time; so, thank you for giving the time to read and try to comment. Your help is much needed and appreciated.It all started a year ago. I started having a thing for this younger guy (both of us guys) and sensed that he was having a thing for me too. We started as friends, and after some flirtations and innuendos, six months into the friendship, we kissed and things got escalated to sex. He always said he’s not gay, and I, in fear of losing him, went along and pretended that I wasn’t gay either. The relationship became too hot and heavy. I talked to him on the phone more than 3 times a day and messages went back and forth. I always felt unsatisfied but couldn’t know why. Yesterday, July 4, 2011, I had one of the constant arguments with him. I always felt unloved and uncared for, though he did love me and care for me. Suddenly, I realized that we were having all these arguments because we were trying to hide the obvious that we are not just best friends and “brothers”. So, I told him that I am in love with him. He didn’t react, didn’t seem bothered or upset (Now come and think of it, he had an erection and got horny). He said that he adored me as a brother and liked our sexual adventures. According to him, he is not in love with me. As a result, I got to the conclusion, and told him, that my expectations had to change. If I am just a friend, a best friend, or a brother, then I shouldn’t be expecting constant calls, messages, and outings. He struggled with my suggestion because he liked calling and messaging me and letting me know where he is and what’s going on (One more detail, we never hang out with his friends). He held my hand in his and tried to rub my hand and hug it (I was driving), but I asked him not to; I said it wasn’t fair for me because he’d be giving me ideas that are not there; so, he stopped. After a while, he asked about our “sexual activities”. He wanted to know if we can still go on with them despite the fact that he is not in love with me. Since I like being with him more than anything, I said yeah. I told him I liked being with him and he said he liked being with me too. So, we had sex.After that, he kept on calling and messaging as if nothing was said or done. He calls at night before he sleeps and in the morning when he wakes up. He calls me throughout the day, and messages me when he’s at work or friends. I don’t know what to do. I think I’m still numb and will soon plunge into a world of chaos and depression; I truly love him. Now, I believe he is in love with me as well but is unable to cope with the idea. If not, then why is he messaging and calling me constantly? If not, then why did he want to have sex when I told him? Then again, am I projecting a wishful thought? Am I seeing what is not there simply because I want it to be like that? Am I a sex object for him? I don’t know what to do or what to think. I need help, and I can’t talk to anyone about it. With him, I’m pretending that there’s nothing wrong and that I’m not the first or last person to fall for someone who doesn’t fall for them, but we’re not regular; our relationship is not and hasn’t been. HELP!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 This is a hard one. He is in denial. He says he is not gay but it is clear that he is. I think he doesn't want to allow himself to fall for a guy because he will then need to face the truth that he is gay. You say he is younger than you and I guess at the moment he is just confused about his sexuality and doesn't want to face the truth that he is attracted to men.
It doesn't look like he is going to accept the truth any time soon and I really don't want to see you getting hurt any more. So my best advice to you is to break it off with him and cut the contact. Just be honest with him and tell him it is not fair on you because you have falling for him and he doesn't feel the same way. Just explain you don't want to be used and also you don't want to be his dirty little secret. Cut all contact and tell him not to ring again.
My guess is he does like you and he will miss you therefore it will give him the wake up call that he needs to see that he needs to be true to himself. If he doesn't change his ways well then I guess you need to move on knowing that you done your best for him and he just simply did not want anything serious with you. But please stop hurting yourself by pretending everything is OK and carrying on having sex with him. No good will come of it you will only keep getting more hurt and more depressed. This is his decision to make about what he wants. You have made your feelings clear. Good luck sweetie.
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