A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, i was pregnant with my boyfriends baby but, he become callous and selfish and i became lonely and depressed. I recently moved from where i was living for 10 years and spent some of my major developing years to a nice quiet, quaint town..knowing no one. I was on the internet in a networking website with our pictures posted, etc. and i came across an application which you pick yes/no if you like someone.We found each other and began to correspond. He was overseas in the military killing time before they finally fly home. I was home and alone looking for friendship. He was a smart, caring, sweet, supportive friend. We wrote back and forth for over a month, several times a day. our conversations were intriguing and we both anticipated the next reply to our emails. The relationship grew closer, we were open and honest(at least i was and thought he was too). He accepted that i was pregnant and unhappy and still continued to conversate with me..even more deeply. He has a child already of his own and he was in the medical field and i just loved the attention and his knowledge of everything i was going through.He was comforting.He even called me from Iraq 2-3 times. When he returned to the states, we agreed to meet. He was to drive 6 hours to pick me up and drive me back with him close to his base, where he would work a couple hours a day and return back to me. He found a romantic bed and breakfast in an old mansion by the beach. He treated me so kind and gentle more so because i was pregnant..treated me like a fragile doll. 4days and 3nights of holding hands, hugging, kissing and making love before he had to bring me back home because he had to fly back to his real home on the other side of the country.2days go by and i hadnt heard from him. I sensed that his stories of being divorced and the arrangements he explained he had with his wife and his son were not true. When he did call me it was to tell me he missed me but that hes still married. That he told his wife because he had feelings for me and that he honestly thought that they were going to get a divorce before he was deployed and that they spoke about it while he was in Iraq. He said that he was surprised when he got home (and his wife had waited almost a year for him while watching their 4yr old son)..that she was upset! He said that he wasnt happy with that woman and that he knows what he wants. He said they were going to go through the divorce and that i shouldnt feel obligated to be with him or that it was my fault. Little did he know that early that morning his wife wrote me on my account that it was over thanks to me.the night of when he called me i received another message from his wife saying that they were staying together because he is a good man and to leave her husband alone. she knew he called me and i sent him a text that she knew about as well.hurt, i emailed him. i told him although he said i can call him anytime that i wouldnt out of respect for his wife but, that i was very upset and confused because he told me one thing then she told me another in the same night. all i wanted was an explanation so i could move on. he didnt contact me for over a week. within that week i had to deal with my unborn babies father and let me just tell you how unhappy the entire pregnancy had been. i was alone, he was unsupportive and living in another state. every other day i didnt know if i wanted the baby because of how much i hated him. i already even slept with another man..that turns out to be married after i had grown a strong attraction to..being vulnerable, emotional, etc. I hadnt heard from my lover and the world was crumbling.my valentines and my birthday (which was within this same week) was spent at a clinic because i had decided to terminate my pregnancy at 20weeks. Im sure it was the right thing to do although i feel bad at times..given my situation and the emotional stress..i was already on anti depressants..My self esteem had plummeted to the floor..i felt fat, unloved, alone..this was the worst birthday ill have to remember. The one guy that was giving me endless attention for over a month constantly all day, every day..before i went to sleep at night and as soon as i would wake up i would open up my laptop which laid in my bed next to me hoping for his emails...now, i had nothing. just like that.my lover called after that awful week because, i had emailed him what had been going on and how i terminated the pregnancy (we were always very open with our feelings) and how i just needed closure.he began by asking me how i was doing then he started with an apology. He told me he lied because he didnt want to scare me away but that he really didnt "feel" married he was for sure it was over.(my answer to that is he was away for such a long time he didnt 'feel' married..but, whatever). He said that every other day they are trying to work it out then the next they argue..soo he hopes he hasnt lost me forever? That hes choosing his wife, not because she is better than me but for several reasons that he didnt want to begin to explain. he felt trapped. for one, she said she would take her son to her country to be with her family if they divorce and other financial issues (im sure because after 6 years and a baby that he doesnt want to loose his family)..He said he liked me because he liked me and that he still liked me but, that he was going to see if it works out with his wife. I cried..im not sure why..i told him it wasnt right for him to lie, that i wish i wouldve know because i wouldnt of gotten involved if i knew because i wouldnt want to feel how i was feeling at that moment.we ended our conversation with him going to let me know if things change and that when he gets back to work i can call him there. i told him that its not really right just being on 'his' terms. he agreed that it was ugly.his wife text messages me to my phone for the first time. "leave my husband alone". i asked her what i did now?, she asked why i still messaged him? (i did message him in response to him asking me if he may call me..the message did say i missed him) I told her that we spoke and that it was over. i said hes with you and he is staying with you..you should be happy!..so, she decided to call me..i didnt answer at first because i wasnt sure if she wanted to be nasty or what. from her texts i felt it would be ok to talk to her and that i may feel even better knowing more about her. ironically, are names are similar, we are the same age, our birthdays a week a part (i suppose we will both have this bday to remember)...she told me that her husband has feelings for me..she wanted to know how i felt..she asked me if i would move across the country if he asked me to?..she asked me if me and her husband wanted to try and work it out that she was feeling relaxed and open at the moment and wouldnt mind if he decided to be with me. she said she wasnt even sure if she liked him anymore. they got married young, hes a year younger and curious..she said shes been putting up with this (him looking at other woman..he hasnt 'been' with many woman..im not sure if he actually cheated before)..for their son. she told me that i could try and work it out with him but that he will do the same thing to me (shes probably right). i said i didnt want to be with someone who would cheat on me. she said she just wanted 'this' to be over..im not sure what she was referring to although i told her that i promise not to contact him because (and this is the truth) i wanted to do it for me. she said she wanted everyone to be happy and i told her to do what makes her happy that i couldnt be the 'reason' for their break up. we were similar in many ways..in understanding one another's feelings..she is a good woman. it sounded more like he was the one running around and testing his limits and being confused.He called tonight..just now as i was writing this to tell me that he had been talking to his wife (a lot of which had to do with me) and that she had been handling this "infidelity" issue very well and that she has been a good woman to him so that they were going to work it out and thats it. he was sorry he got me caught up in all of this and he hoped that this didnt have too much of a negative effect on me and that im a really cool girl and he hopes that things work out for me. i wished him the same. this time there was no sign of hope in the future and i have to live with it. im not sure if his wife was listening when he called and im not sure if things will change again for them. i feel in time this will heal. ill get back into shape (from being pregnant)..ill go out and explore this new city i moved to with family. Right now, i am going through the motions..trying to get to know people...the same way i met my lover..except these guys live close by. im not sure what im looking for..maybe a rebound? someone to take my mind off this married man after he helped take my mind off my ex baby father and realize my ex was who he was. He touched my heart deeply and i am and have to be strong by letting go, i have no choice. i felt i couldnt compete with his wife and family and that i didnt want to be second choice.im not sure what im looking for now. i suppose i need to put aside any memories of him from our little get away..how should i feel right now? i made him some gifts when we were together(when i thought he had his own place and divorced)..things to display in what i thought was his apartment. he had me send the gift to friends house. when we spoke the time before this last time..he said that those gifts are very special to me and that they were in a safe place like a shrine..that no one would make him throw away. I wonder now if wherever those gifts are that if he is going to dispense of them as i will put his aside...out of site. why do i feel it matters what he does with them? tonight i wont cry but i feel sad. why is it that when you meet someone special you start to visualize how things might become? my problem here was that the person he created for me was a phony. i said before about time will heal..its easier said then done and right now this is a rough patch that i need to pass but while your experiencing it..it feels like it may never go away. i know if i have any dignity and pride that i can never try and contact him.why does this all bother me? what happened between them over the past 2weeks? are they going to live happily ever after?
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depressed, divorce, kissing, married man, military, move on, my ex, self esteem, text, the internet, trapped, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Hunny
What g247 said is great advise read the link you can chat to other women on that site, And always belive in gut instinct, You cant get that over the net really well ive never tryed but I feel that some people can say so many nice things when writing it to u but you cant see there faces or feel there body language..Believe in yourself and have faith in yourself as a good person and hunny the right guy will come along and snap you up it took me untill I was 44 so you have time love..TAKE CARE OF YOU LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiong247,
I know...after I posted I realized that you werent a "female"..I was surprised to know that you were a male.. for some reason, it feel good coming from a man.
why are we so impatient? do I feel like Im running out of time or years?..27, I suppose I shouldnt rush it with anyone I have an attraction/connection to..so what does those mean? attraction vs connection vs actually love?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): yea give you 2morro been out so love u lots but ill get back 2 u tomorro LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, g247  +, writes (22 February 2008):
Hey...I'm not a lady! haha
Unfortunately, a lot of us men are scum, plain and simple. There's really no way to know until you develop the relationship and learn to trust him.
Don't give trust away easily. Don't compromise easily. (I'm not saying you do either btw, I wouldn't know) Look out for yourself in the relationship. Give it time and learn from perhaps some mistakes you've made in the past (as we all do) and learn if you can trust the guy over time.
And remember, there are 3 billion of us on this earth! So don't hang your hopes on the first man who comes your way and seems nice. You're the prize! See men as people competing for your affections. Eventually one lucky guy will come along and you'll be set.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey ladies!! you made me smile..thank you. I looked at that link briefly but i will get back to it once im done here.yes, I am planning to move on..I know you are right about finding myself,etc., and being open to scum (which I attract ALL the time...or at least they always turn out that way)..so, how can i change this? I may not trust again! I mean this guy I thought was the change I needed. He seemed to good to be true and apparently he was because he was lying! but, what bothers me is that I didnt know! you right what an a-hole! I just dont want to go through this again. What can I know next time? it took me 2 years to know my baby father was an a-hole! So you have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Hi Hunny
OH! MY GOD!
Im at a loss for the right words, This man came into your life full of lies he took you as the kind and caring person you are and completely screwed up your life, You felt so down you had the termination which I belive you wouldnt have done had this not happened and you are now looking for the love he gave you for that brief short period of time and hunny you will not get it! He is a first rate arsehole im sorry but its true, He used a beautiful person took her life and made it his..No concern for his wife and child and then you get shit from her when you had no idea..Im sending you a link hunny for self esteem and Im saying to you DONT! go looking for any man for love find yourself first! I cant belive anyone could be so very hurtfull and my heart goes out to you...
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
If you need a chat message me my computor is having a breakdown at mo but I do have other choices and I will get back to you PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, g247 +, writes (22 February 2008):
I feel so badly for your situation.
You sound like a genuinely sweet and honest woman who's very in touch with her emotions and just got caught up in a mess that was out of your hands.
I think as far as you're concerned, you handled the situation with the upmost integrity. You got messed around by a man of questionable motives at a time when you were weak. You've nothing to be ashamed of. Your handling of the situation was completely selfless and honourable.
Don't let the fact that it bothers you irk you more. Don't worry about them. They'll sort out their lives. Forget about him and move on. Focus on you living happily ever after for now.
As you said, given time you'll recover. Unfortunately there's not many ways you can speed up this recovery process except just keep your mind off it and keeping yourself occupied.
Put yourself out there, not neccessary for just relationships but to make friends and build a social life in this new town of yours. Are there any night courses or clubs you can join that would allow you to meet people easily? Why not take up a salsa or yoga class for the hell of it! Do you have a job there? Head along to the next social night they organise!
For now, don't go searching for Mr Right. That'll leave you open to scum who'll look to take advantage of you. As I said, take the next few weeks/months as a time to just keep yourself occupied and make yourself happy. Given time, you'll find someone.
You sound like a very good person, I'm sure there's a guy out there who wants just that and will be lucky enough to find you in no time!
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