A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure if what I am feeling right now is normal or I am being unjust? I asked for help from my boyfriend of 4 years. what I need is a room/place to stay for 1 year while I am doing the last part of my studies. We do not live together. I am struggling financially and this is the last part of my studies so I am not begging money or something like that, I am able to pay what I can afford, a room. He lives with a roommate in 2 bed apt so he told me, YES I will help you, I can talk to my roomie so you can move in, I will explain to him so we will split the expenses between three. The time has arrived and 1 month before the moving he told me: I am very sorry but you can not move in, my roomie disagreed at last moment...I was like really! I did not have the time to look somewhere else because I thought I am going to move over here! (I discovered myself that he made up this excuse because later his Rommie saw me and the first thing he said was: hey when are you moving in??!!) I am very disappointment of my bf because when he was and he is in need I am always willing to help...and I never ever ask for anything but this is really important. Last year he was in a very bad car accident who he was blamed for. He had to pay very high attorney fees plus court costs plus the damaged of the vehicles involved in the crash... He requested my help financially and I did help him emotionally as well because he was off from work due the accident so I was there for him...He had his driver permit cancelled for 6 months because the accident so I drove him to work back and forth numerous times without questions after when he recovered his license he needed a car because he lost the one in the crash so he needed a co-signer to get another one so I signed and he was able to get transportation. (where we live and work there is no public transport so this is no an alternative).I am feeling right now very very sad because I know when we help we do not "request" to get back the help but why can I not get a little help from him when I am there for him always any time he needed it most? Is this reasonable?
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (15 June 2018):
 You should let your bf know that you are very aware of what's going on, regarding what his roommate said to you.
I would then seriously consider breaking up with him, because after all, 4 years together and a relationship that doesn't appear to be supportive (on his part) and isn't heading anywhere positive, isn't worth keeping/pursuing.
Your bf cannot reciprocate any acts of support/kindness toward you and doesn't appear to even want to live with you, so you really need to question his true feelings toward you.
You have been there for him during his darkest hours, yet he isn't there for you.
What now?
You should think about moving in with a friend, or a relative, just for the short term and you can pay them some board/lodging/rent, whatever they request and/or whatever you can afford.
At least, until you get yourself back on your feet.
You sound like a decent and kind person and you really deserve so much better.
Know your own worth and consider moving forward without this guy.
Know also, that things can only get better for you.
Best of luck!! :-)
A
female
reader, holeymoley +, writes (15 June 2018):
 Um HELLO...short memory syndrome. I can see why you are pissed. What you have done to support him in the past aside, he lied. So what you have on your hands is an ungrateful, unreliable, Indian giving, lying sod. Call him out , you deserve an explanation. He needs to man up if living together is the issue.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 June 2018):
 I would call your BF out on it.
I’d make him feel very uncomfortable and inform him that his roommate asked when the big moving in date is and that he’s happy that they could both help you out in this tough spot and then watch him squirm trying to explain it away.
You made a HUGE commitment to him by agreeing to co-sign for him and he won’t reciprocate? I would want to know why. Put him on the spot and demand answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): I don't think the last-minute decision came from the roomie.
I'm inclined to believe it was decided by your boyfriend; after the almost flirtatious comment his roommate made about you!
Here's the thing. You helped him during a very critical time; and you stood by him when he needed you. Going beyond the call. It would only seem reasonable that he would fight ferociously in your favor to allow you temporary shelter; even if not a full year. It was grossly hypocritical to accept your help; and not go out on a limb in your defense, and to help you when he knew you'd have no time to search elsewhere. I'd actually defy my roommate and deal with the consequences!
I don't know how he could still live with that roommate; without some pretty serious friction between them.
"Dude, you denied my girlfriend a temporary place to live?!!" Yet no protest, no advocacy or argument on your behalf? He just took no for an answer?
WHAT A DICK!!! It's disgraceful!!!
I fault him, not the roommate. Besides, unless I heard it from the roommate's lips, I wouldn't believe it.
The apartment is half your boyfriend's financial-responsibility. He could have argued; were the situation in-reverse, he would grant his roomie's girlfriend permission to stay under emergency-conditions.
This IS an emergency!!!
I can't see any way your boyfriend can justify this, or allow this to happen. He didn't go to bat for you. He didn't fight to change his roommate's mind. He didn't bother to follow-up for reconfirmation. Making absolutely sure there were no possible objections; or any possible doubt that could arise that might cause you any serious inconvenience. He didn't lookout for you!
I'm like Honeypie! I think there would be no further reason or justification to see this guy anymore. He seriously let you down. He didn't fight to support you in a time of need; yet he took full-advantage of your loyalty and support, when he needed you. Both emotionally and financially!
I find this heartbreaking, and such a slap in the face!
I really hope you can find a place soon. It would be hard for me to speak to him after this; let alone still be in a relationship.
You went out on a limb for him; but he couldn't find it in himself to persuade his roommate to change his mind?
Why didn't he make his roommate tell you that to your face?
If I had a roommate, and we made an agreement my girlfriend could move-in; but he changed his mind at the last-minute??? I'd put him on the spot! I would adamantly insist he tell you that himself! Then I would wait until the lease ended; and find myself another place to live. Better yet, I'd kick him out!!!
I couldn't, with good-conscience, tolerate being around my roommate after that! I couldn't accept being under the same roof with someone who could put me on the spot like that! There would be a serious problem between us.
If you're still with that guy, I can't figure-out how he could even look you in the eyes? I can't understand how you could even stand the sight of him?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2018):
 I think after four years if he is still not ready for you both to live together then you really need to be asking yourself is this relationship going anywhere? I mean your age bracket says late thirties so I am sure at this stage you both should know what you want from a relationship. You need to talk to him and ask him what is going on. You both need to talk about this face to face and see where you both stand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): It doesn't sound like the roomie was in the know that you wasn't moving in so i am sorry it does seem this is your boyfriends choice.
I agree, after four years it is strange you are not living together or at the very least talking about the future, this was his chance and he backed out of it, why?
Do you feel you have a good relationship? do you spend a lot of time together? do you argue a lot?
Sometimes people are all take but no give, my friend was like that with her last boyfriend and sorry to say he didn't appreciate her at all.
A good relationship is give and take and being there when you need them, so yes you do have good reason to question why this is not the case with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2018):
 It honestly sounds like he doesn't want to cohabit with you.
Either her isn't ready (which to me sounds weird after all you two have been together and 4 years of dating), nevertheless he might NOT be ready. OR he prefer to have his place you have yours, a place he can retreat to and recharge. WITHOUT you. OR he is worried that If you move on he will then be financially responsible for you. OR and this Is possible - the room-mate really didn't WANT you there but when the room-mate ran into you he played it off as if he didn't know you weren't moving in.
So my question is, If after 4 years of dating any of the above suggestions are true - WHY are you two still dating? There doesn't seem to be a future with this guy.
And I have to ask, when you helped him out financially last year did he REPAY any of that money?
I think you need to look for an affordable room-mate situation yourself. You can't rely on your BF for this - that is a given. Even if you feel he should WANT to do this for you (and it kind of seems reasonable for a partner to do) - he isn't going to do it. But then you have to decide if you want a partner who is so unwilling to help you in YOUR hour of need especially after he was VERY willing to accept YOUR help in HIS hour of need.
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