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writes: hello, I am having massive problems with my mum. I keep arguing with her just before I called her a f*****g b***h. Then she came into my room and threw my Christmas tree across my room and slapped me on the arm. It all started when I was downstairs and I said bo..om instead of bottom. My sister and my dad had a go at me and started saying I was lazy and did nothing aorund the house. I went upstairs and my mum started having a go at me. Help, please, I feel like I don't belong in the family. I always argue with someone every day!!!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 November 2005):
 Congratulations on being completely normal for your age group. From your descriptions, I'd guess you to be around 14. Arguments with parents and siblings, feeling alienated, swearing unnecessarily... yup. Normal.
Adolescence (let's say between ages 12-15) can be a really difficult time for everyone. Your brain chemistry is adusting the way you act and respond to people and the ramped-up hormones can make your moods swing between angry and sad with no warning. Unfortunately, none of us gets an owner's manual, either.
Here's my small advice for this period of your life, though: You can never control what other people do; you can only control your response to it.
When your sister or folks have a go at you for saying something wrong, don't allow yourself to get angry and out of control. Nobody can force you to call your mother a bitch, you know. (wink) Instead, say something like "oops, sorry", then change the subject.
Likewise, you don't have to argue with someone, just because you disagree. In advance of your next disagreement with someone in your family think of placid ways to make the point that you have a different opinion and try putting those into practice when you're tempted to scream and rant. One of my favourites is, "I don't see it that way, and I can tell that we won't agree about this." After that, you can either smile and discuss something else, or (if you're really angry) quietly leave the room for a while.
It's not hard to avoid arguing, and it doesn't mean that you have to get walked all over, either. Just have some alternatives in mind, so that your entire household can be a just that little bit more stress-free. (As a bonus, your folks will notice what a grown-up attitude you have and think better of you, too!)
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