A
female
age
30-35,
*urpleposies
writes:So I had posted about this issue previously, and everything has been fine since. However, I noticed a light pink bruise on my chest (above my breasts not on them) and now my thoughts are racing, I feel sick. The anxiety this brings is overwhelming. My boyfriend of more than a year is coming over tonight, and he is insecure due to past relationships. (Cheating) I am so anxious and nervous. I texted him but he's in class for another 4 hours. I'm worried he will look over my body and assume the worst. Lately I have been gardening, carrying bags of rock and soil. I sometimes use my chest for leverage when carrying things so, I know that's how I got it. Anyway. I'm not sure what to do. And I don't think I should be feeling this way or be made to feel this way??? I am very much in love with him and it is the first good relationship I have been in. He is amazing in every other aspect, and this really is the only down fall. But its a big one. Because his insecurity feeds mine. I also worry about projection- because that's what my ex husband of 7.5 years would do. My ex is an abuser. (Narcissistic sociopath, that presents extreme covert narcissism and antisocial personality disorder-- not to be confused with antisocial behaviors. I am not exaggerating, though I wush I were.) So its always in the back of my mind, I worry about being in an abusive relationship again. I guess there isn't much to but wait for him to reply ( I told him about it via text that he hasn't seen yet) Any advice whatsoever ? Thank you in advance. Please excuse typos and block texts as I am typing this via mobile. Thanks again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2018): HiIt already sounds as if you are in an abusive relationship If you have to worry to this extent about a bruise.Do you see yourself living like this with him for the rest of your relationship?The stress will cause you health problems. You have already had one abusive relationship and we are often attracted to the same type of person.Abuse takes many forms and just because he doesn't behave like your ex, it doesn't mean that he isn't abusive. You say that this is the only stumbling block with him. When will there be other behaviours that manifest themselves?There was a post on here recently from a woman in an abusive relationship who had noticed a bruise on her boyfriend's neck. She really wanted to ask him about it but was too afraid to. I would suggest with some confidence that you are also in an abusive relationship when you are so scared about him seeing yours.It doesn't make sense does it for you to have to suffer like this For you to be this worried isn't normal is it?If a friend of yours was saying what you're saying, what would be your advice to her?I wish you safety and happiness but it sounds to me as if the only way you're going to get them is to get away from this man, who sounds like he behaves like your scary jailer.Good luck x
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2018):
 Why do you feel you hAVE to text him and explain away these marks on your body?
Your NEW BF has NO RIGHT (I will repeat) NO RIGHT to hold you responsible for what his ex-GF's did.
YOU are NOT responsible for them cheating on him.
YOU are NOT responsible for HIS insecurities.
Get that?
You shouldn't have to WORRY about how he will react to these marks. You shouldn't HAVE to text him and inform him about this.
You NEED to stop feeding his insecurities by pointing these marks and things out. Things YOU know will "set" off his insecurities. You are NOT helping him and you are NOT helping yourself.
You might think that by preempting telling him he won't feel insecure or accuse you of cheating. But you know that is not how insecurities work.
What you DO need to get across to your BF is that HE has NO right to check over your body for marks. He has NO rights to accuse you of doing things you haven't done.
IF HE CAN NOT TRUST YOU - he shouldn't BE with you.
HIS insecurities are giving YOU anxiety and THAT is bad. My guess is it's partly due to your OWN baggage with your ex but this NEW BF is making it worse.
If you two DO NOT start working on your OWN issues (you on your past with an abusive ex and now having anxiety and boundary issues) and HIM with his insecurities - this will ONLY get worse - for BOTH of you.
You know it isn't healthy. Yet, you FEED it. (Not intentionally, I get that, but nevertheless you FEED his insecurities by ENABLING this behavior.
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