A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel bad about the most recent talk I had with my boyfriend and I don't know if I caused irrevocable damage to us. I am 25 my boyfriend is 20 and age has not been an issue until recently (and it isn't really an age thing anyway, just independence). I am not going into detail but we were planning a trip to mexico for february which he is paying for his half completely on his own. I assumed that he would be helping me make the final decisions for the trip (ie transportation to the airport, cell phone plans to communicated internationally). So far he has not really made any decisions leaving me (who has travelled abroad several times) to do all the research and most of the work. I don't mind this part too much since he doesn't have experience. We did discuss things together. The part that upset me was his family (who paid for none of the trip) decided they were going to control our transportation to and from the airport without asking. This was hard for me to accept but I made it clear that as long as they confirmed the transportation ahead of time I could let it go. For the past month and a half (now we only have 2 weeks) they have switched how we would get there 4 times. I have anxiety issues and I wanted this to be a simple trip but the flip-flop and lack of control is sending me over the edge. Its hard to be parented by someone else's family because I am not only an adult living on my own but MY family stopped being involved after I turned 18. Their decision determines where I haul butt to immediately after work since I used up all my vacation time, so this is causing a truly high stress situation for me.I gave him subtle heads up about solidifying plans or letting his family know that their lack of sticking to one thing was making me nervous. But neither party took me seriously and this most recent fourth change (along with a different change they made behind my back) nearly made me cry. I got so overwhelmed I told him that our relationship didn't have an independence issue this whole time but his lack of initiative in helping me plan and letting his family take over his half of the trip upset me and worried me about future major events in our relationship and that I was planning a trip to satisfy a group of people rather than just him and I. I love his family they are kind but overbearing and view their son as a child. He said that he was hurt by what I said but he would show me that he would get the transportion (plus a couple other things) completely planned by tomorrow. He said he could see that it was putting too much stress on me and our relationship so he would get it taken care of. But I feel terrible bringing up maturity/independence. I feel terrible for hurting his feelings because he has been compeltely serious and mature other than this. I am worried I crossed a line and did major damage.Please give me your opinions. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly appreciate everyone's answers. I didn't want to write a book so a lot has been unsaid. I first want to clarify that no one manipulated my online account. My boyfriend and his family were just constantly switching about how we get there and if they were or were not going to provide transportation.
The other thing is that I have suffered a lot of traveling mishaps and learned the hard way from traveling many times abroad. The first time my luggage was lost 4 days out of the 9 days I was there and nearly being detained on suspicion...
but the most traumatizing mishap was when I broke my leg in spain and had to beg, plead, and spend myself into the poor house to get out. I was completely alone for 90% of the time and my spanish was not good enough to communicate with the doctors. I was treated without any painkillers and had my leg drained by a large needle with zero meds.
Then I got trapped in England put on a gurney and left in a maintenance closest for 8 hours with no contact from anyone and nearly urinated on myself. The only thing that made them speak to me was when I was able to reach far enough from the gurney to grab supplies and throw things to break things. They stuck me in a room with people who were dying and wailing in pain so I couldn't sleep then they kicked me out with nothing.
I was put on a chair (NOT a wheelchair) with a broken leg on the curb (literally). I was crying hysterically for an hour before an employee smuggled me back into the hospital where I begged the airport for hours to let me go home. The trauma doesn't end there but I don't want to type about it any longer. But it took a long week of begging, spending, and neglect before I made it back to the US.
I have since gone abroad and had a massive trip to 4 countries in 2 weeks.
My anxiety is not due to just being an anxious person. It is due to serious trauma. He was aware of this more than his family and I felt my nervousness was being ignored and even prodded by their unreliability.
I decided to just be myself and told him my main issue was him not taking on the planning. He stepped up and said he was determined to get things solidified. He promised to get things booked. The funny thing is his family finally booked the transportation and he was just grossly misinformed about it and was feeding me wrong information. His sit back non-planning attitude was exposed and he seems to be really into getting things squared away for the trip.
Thank you to everyone for analyzing and advising. Sorry for the long followup.
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (26 January 2010):
 I normally try to see each story from both sides, and give a half decent response. But first I just want to latch onto one thing you said.
'I have anxiety issues'.
This is meant to be a fantastic trip, a chance to experience a slightly different culture, see a superb part of the world with someone you love.
If you feel you need to 'plan' even the smallest detail, and run the holiday with military precision, then you have to tell your boyfriend that this is what makes your anxieties go away. If you say nothing, how will he know what is required of him? He needs to know that you will feel better if you have control of the plans.
Is he telepathic? Obviously not, and he did not pick up on your 'subtle' hints.
But what you have to do is ask yourself WHAT is making you anxious. I don't think that the question of 'how are we getting to and from the airport?', is the underlying issue. It doesn't seem to be about independence. It seems to be the complete opposite.
It seems that you are totally dependent on a holiday itinerary, from start to finish. I fully understand that on your last workday, you need to know where to 'haul ass' to. But other than that, what is making you nervous? Fear you may miss the flight? Theres always another. Fear that they won't be there to collect you on your return? I would personally be ecstatic, if my partner's family offered to take me to and from an airport. The last thing I would stress about is how they plan to do it.
But I am not you.
I believe that you are afraid of the holiday itself. Of being abroad in a strange land with a less experienced man. You are worried about confronting unexpected situations with a man who you feel is not capable of taking control if you cannot. So you want to 'plan' the holiday to minimise responsibility, and to feel in control of the proceedings yourself. Sticking to an itinerary will lessen the chances of events occuring which are completely out of your control. Having control is why you enjoy dating a younger man. I guess theres nothing wrong with that. But tell your boyfriend what and how you feel. In this instance, you can't blame his family for your own uncertainty, and feelings of not being in control. It is simply how you are built.
You should find Mexico to be a great place. If you are going to Cancun, and taking excursions to the Pyramids, Chichen Itsa, or Teotihuacan, or simply having a beach holiday, the locals depend on tourism, and will make you feel welcome.
I am a person who thrives on history and excursions, (I have no need to tan), and Mexico, like Egypt, cannot be seen in two weeks, there is too much. Try to relax and have a great time. If you focus too much on your schedule, and times, and where you should be, you may miss an awful lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): It's just transport to and from the airport! If no one turns up just call a cab... as a last resort. Aren't you overreacting a bit? Your family is not involved in your life. His is. That is just the way things are. Its certainly not about being mature or not. Or being independent. Obviously, from the way you are reacting it seems one needs more maturity to deal with a family than to get all "independent" and work without family. Deal with your stress. Otherwise find an 'independent' boyfriend who does not have any family, leave alone one which is chaotic.
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