A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a sister who's 28, she lives alone in a flat, legally she's classified as a vulnerable adult due to having autism spectrum disorder, and has a support worker (not sure if she still does due to the pandemic). She's lived alone for 4 years now, semi-successfully.I've recently found out she's been dating a married man (he's 32) for the past 3 months, he had a big wedding to his wife in 2018 that was in the news locally (the man is Indian-American, we're white) and that the man's from a rich family, he told her only married his wife to satisfy his mom and dad.I'm married, but wouldn't have an affair; I'm 36, and been married for 4 years now.I think my sister's so caught up in the high of the romance she doesn't really understand what an affair is.She's told me the man threw his wife out and she moved in with a friend of hers, and that he's got servants living on site doing everything.I believe he told her that he was single, and had an ex-wife who was harrassing him, from what my sister told me.I think my sister doesn't really understand the reality of an affair; she's probably never had to clean his dirty underwear, pay bills with him, take garbage out, deal with in-laws etc., or see him in his underwear eating Doritos while watching the sport (something my husband has done now and again). Isn't this all the stuff people in affairs never consider?Granted, me and my husband have had a good marriage, we disagree on some things, sure, but never had an occasion where we're yelling at one another and telling each other "I wish you'd fuck off"; the biggest conflicts we've had are over insignificant things, not big issues.Perhaps if their relationship was put to the test and mundane, it wouldn't survive in the light of day?I doubt they'll do household chores, since the man she's with has servants to do it for him.I really love my sister and want the best for her.She's told me she wants to move in with this man in the next few weeks.I think it's risky, considering how long they've been "dating" - three months, not long enough to know each other to move in, is it?My situation probably sounds like standard "woman has affair with married man" but given that my sister is autistic and has reasonable understanding of things (not so much for things like finances etc. which she has limited understanding of, she can cook OK, but needs slight supervision, she's not socially inappropriate but quiet instead).Me and my sister have a good relationship but this has caused a huge conflict; the whole thing happened over the phone, not Skype or Zoom.I try and see her as often as I can, although obviously the pandemic stopped things and made flights more expensive etc.I live in Minnesota, if location is relevant here; well, technically, I do, but my sister lives back home in Illinois. I moved to Minnesota aged 29 for a new job and it was worth it, after having lived in Texas and Virginia but not finding jobs there satisfying.I have a routine of phoning my sister every night or at least Skype'ing her.Am I so wrong to be worried about her after this "confession" and who's in the wrong here, my sister, or both her and the married man?My sister has admitted she wants help from me but I don't know how to help her.I'm looking for advice on this situation.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (13 December 2021):
Why don't you ask your sister if she's still seeing the support worker? In the UK a support worker would be considered an essential service although during lockdown it might be reduced to telephone contact.
If you're concerned you should contact the support worker yourself and explain your concerns. Or contact the local social services in her area and voice your concerns to them. They can check out whether this guy is genuine or if he's exploiting her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): This sounds like a tough call.
From what you told, there are a couple of factors that pop out, at least to me:
1. The man and his motives
A married man approaching your sister like this does sound a bit suspicious. His reasons, even if they are legitimate, are less moral, and if they are excuses, he is a toxic person to say the least.
If what he says is true, tells that he is heavily burdened by his parents' will and they could overrule him at a later point. This means that the parents can force him out of the affair, leaving your sister alone, should he be financially or culturally bound to his family as much he says he is.
If he lies, his motive to approach your sister is horrid. As a loner and an autist, your sister would be an easily controlled and contained target for an extramarital affair, that could be safely had without a risk of getting caught by the wife or family proper.
* I believe the key here would be to talk to the man and try to see, what he likes about your sister, if he is in it for real, and if he understands what a responsibility he will have if he continues. In the rare case that he actually loves your sister, he would effectively become her supervisor and caretaker as well, and even with all the servants around it would be his responsibility to assure her wellbeing, a responsibility an order of magnitude higher than in a regular situation.
2. Your sister, her feelings and her ability to cope with disapointments
The next, and the most important thing, as far as I think, is your sister's ability to cope with heavy disappointments. With every affair and relationship comes the possibility for a failure and a disapointment.
If your sister has had a sheltered life, this time greatly more due to her condition, she might be in need for a great amount of support, should the affair come to an end.
The greatest difficulty in the whole situation lies with the fact that even though your sister has an autism spectrum disorder, if she is a functioning individual, she does have the undeniable right to have both a life and a love life as far as she can. But if she has not had any experience in a love life of any kind, she could be considered to be in a situation similar to a teenager, despite her real age.
Perhaps, in hindsight, the best solution would have been to talk with her about romance, and the possible caveats beforehand. As of now, if it still is possible, it might be the best to talk about these things, and see, how well she is prepared. Also, and a very difficult to discuss topic as well, but a very important one too, is how she feels about sex in her affair. As an autist, her attitude towards sex might be easy or very strict. If she feels that the man is someone she is willing to be intimate with, feeling that he is the only one for her, the end for a this kind of relationship might be devastating.
* Whatever happens, she will be needing a safety net and a lot of support, especially in a case of failed relationship. No person can be saved from his/herself, but they will be needing trusted person or persons to come to, should the worst happen.
I hope some other people would give their opinions on the matter too. I will hope for the best for her, as I am a person who also has an autism spectrum disorder in the mild range, a regular ability to process information, an affinity to systematic thinking, but at the age of 40 I still have the sharp feelings of a 16 year old, in good and bad.
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