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*irbyK
writes: Hi I'm 31. My live in boyfriend of a year and half and I broke up and he moved out 4 weeks ago because as much as we wanted the same things in life our values are very different. After a death scare 3 years ago I am one to enjoy as much in life as I can now (not partying but travelling etc and I still save money), quite easy going and have a lot of close friends. Although the same age he is a bit more old fashioned wants to work his life away for the next 5 years to have a good retirement, is quite against me having close male friends (that i have had for over 12 years) and he feels close friendships are people you talk to once a month.I have a great job I love, great pay, free car, fuel etc. He has a new commision only sales job that he has been told has potentional to make decent money but he hasnt made any so far in the first few weeks. He has been through 3 jobs in the past year and a half and none have really turned out well even though he has tried hard. I have just wished he would get a salary job.I guess the point of it all is I just found out I am 8 weeks pregnant. I had a mirina IUD and i didnt work so it was quite a shock.I am wondering about anyone elses experience about having a baby with someone they love but are not "in love with" and although it might sound shallow but who have had to downgrade their standard of living totally because they are not working. I have savings but I dont think it will cover us for not working for 5 - 6 months if his new job doesnt make enough to cover the rent etcI should mention he is being extreamly supportive but in the long term its the childs happiness we care about. I am pro choice and even though I feel like I have somewhat attached to the little thing already I am not sure if I should terminate and let my ex and myself go find the loves of our lifes, get married and have children in a family enviroment.I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this kind of situation!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): I have three children. Due to a kind of arranged marriage in the religion I was in, I was never in love with the father of my children.
I have also been pregnant and lost that pregnancy to what DearCupid moderators censor. If I could go back and do it all again, I would choose the opposite of the anti-abortionists' choice, because I know first hand that having a child outside of true love with your partner is hell. Children deserve to have two parents who live together and love each other. I think it is very selfish to knowingly bring/bear a child into a family that does not have sufficient love to provide. Contrary to TimmD's position, you do get past it, and one day when you're married and having children in the right relationship, you will be glad you deferred the child bearing to the right time and arrangement.
Also, be careful to not judge your boyfriend's lack of work ethic or income. This matter is separate from your pregnancy. You chose him, and that's what came with the package. My best friend owns a very successful corporation, and she agreed with her husband he stays home and work full time on the house, children, and errands, and they are happy. My doctor agreed with her husband he would stay home and raise the kids and take care of the house and they are happy. You have to agree to the financial arrangement to be happy with it. Apparently you two did not agree to him being incomeless and it makes you nuts he's no money. You guyz have to agree to something, even if it's to break up cuz you're not into him, but you gotta agree.
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reader, TimmD  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 I don't have any experience with this specifically, however, I do have experience with people who stay together "just for the children". And I've just got one thing to say: Don't do it. It's not fair for a child to be raised by a parent who is always thinking to themselves "I wonder if my true love is out there" or "I missed my chance at happiness".
Now, I''m not telling you that you should get an abortion. That is your own decision and I'm not going to tell you otherwise. I would at least like to suggest considering alternatives including adoption. One thing is for sure, you clearly don't love this man enough to have a family, life, and child with. You could also consider raising the child while allowing the father to provide support.
Unfortunately, things will never be the same no matter what you do now. You can't just erase this. Even if you get an abortion, you'll still be living with the thoughts of "What if?". So in all honesty, you need to let go of your "old" life. Deal with it, accept it, and then decide how you are going to move forward because you cannot move backwards.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): Im 20 and have five kids with 2 mums. I dated both at the same time for three years and never wore protection, starting with my first kid at 17. one mum was age 16 with her first kid and 20 with the other kid. the other mum was age 17 with her first kid and then had twins at age 20.
i love both mums but am not 'in love with them'. as im a buisnessman with a chain store called Londis, i have a lot of cash. as an ax partner i still fell the responsibiltiy to support the mums on top of my child support etc. i even pay for them to get themselves pammpered in salons and breaks away too.
this soon changed when one of the mums got her partner (an ex police officer) to handcuff me to my own bed. the mum later came round to my house and raped me.
scince then i have learnt not to get too involved with ex partners as they are not your responsibility. and lets face it, i learnt the hard way, and now two of my kids are in care.
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