A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to think or how to feel right now. My boyfriend told me something about his romantic past the other night that has made me question my feelings towards him, my own attitude... everything. Maybe I'm a terrible person; I've only ever asked one thing of him and that's honesty, yet now that he's honoured me with it I'm effectively throwing it back in his face with my apparent inability to come to terms with the truth. I never thought I'd be one for retroactive jealousy, but... but oh, I'm muddling everything. I'll start at the beginning, I'm sorry it'll be a long story. But I hope to goodness someone can help me make sense of it all.In the summer of 2008, my boyfriend met his first ever girlfriend. They were young and negligent; they'd been together for only three months when she found out she was pregnant. Owing to their circumstances (a few additional factors besides their youth), there was no choice but for his girlfriend to have an abortion. Before it could be arranged though, she suffered a miscarriage - something which both of them considered to be rather a blessing. Soon afterwards, my boyfriend went abroad for a year in connection with his studies; they never ended their relationship "officially" but by the time he returned, she'd met someone new and they decided to remain friends.Fast forward three years. When my boyfriend told me the facts my first reaction was to feel very sorry for the both of them; aged no more than 18 and faced with the consequences of their carelessness... I was glad that things had transpired in a way that they felt befitted them both, pleased too that they'd managed to stay amicable. Well, at first. Because what he said afterwards planted the nasty little seeds of doubt in my mind that have led me here. I feel utterly wretched for questioning my boyfriend's integrity for even a moment - in fact, I feel like a traitor for writing this at all - but when he told me that "it [was] the kind of event which bonds people together", so they're "very good friends" and "she knows she can count on [him]" it came like a blow to my heart. We're an LDR; he sees more of her, his ex, than he does me. I don't care what the statistics say about such relationships: I honestly believe they can work if both parties are wholly committed. But after what he said...Am I wrong to feel threatened by what exists between them? One moment I feel justified, the next too pathetic for words. I tell myself that he's with me now and not her, so grow up and let it go; that they've been over for a long time, but is it true? He's my first love as she was his; that's a place in his heart which I'll never occupy and that's perfectly understandable, but it's knowing that they ignited the spark of a life together - no, worse, the fact that she's there with him all the time and I can't be, which makes me feel horribly insecure. I'm rather sickened by my own reaction to this whole situation, but I honestly can't help it. I'm 19, but suddenly I feel as helpless and upset as a child. Please, anyone, give me another perspective on this. I don't know what to do.Thank you so much in advance for any advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 "I'm 19, but suddenly I feel as helpless and upset as a child."
You are experiencing retrograde jealousy. It is a sign of inexperience and immaturity.
It might help for you to understand WHY they are "bonded" because of the unplanned pregnancy and loss.
That bonding does not mean what you and HE have is anything less or threatened. They are close because they both experienced a life changing moment. Have some compassion for both of them and maybe you will find your jealousy fading.
It shows something of his characher. If YOU were the girl instead, you would be proud that he is the kind of guy that CAN be depended on in that situation.
Relax.
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