A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering if I am going to loose my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I dated a few times many years ago while we were in high school. She ended up marrying someone else though and I went into the army and also married someone else. I was married around 10 years and then divorced without children. I left the military when I had enough time in and returned to the same town where I grew up. I kept in touch with this woman's mother through the years though by calling every couple of years just to see if my girlfriend was still married. I knew the person she married was not very good and felt the marriage would end at some point. I was already divorced at this point. Finally, when I called I learned that she had separated from her husband and she and her two children were now living alone. I called her and we went on a date together. It was much like old times and she asked me to move in with her but only as a friend at first. I did this and thought things were progressing fine. Until I found out about a complication I didn't know about. She begain going to a community college a few years ago and wants to be a nurse someday. She and I and her ex-husband had all dropped out of high school. About 8 years ago, while she was still with her husband, she got a GED. Well, one of her instructors and her became very good friends. He helped her with her math classes and helped to get her through them. He also got to know my girlfriend's family and had been over to her house some times before she and I reconnected. He was married though although he claimed marriage problems. She seemed very interested in him, but probably didn't want to potentially cause his marriage to break up. For the past year, they have kept in touch through long phone calls and meetings at the school and gym. My girlfriend says she loves me and that he is just a friend. We finally had sex after living together for 9 months although it is not something we do often. Oh yes, she does have an illness which causes a lot of stress in her life but is not life threatening, but will be with her the rest of her life. Now he is separated from his wife and they remain in touch. She lives with me, but won't completely drop him. I have been out of work several times during the past year and am currently out of work again. For awhile I drove a truck long distance, but I know they got together sometimes to "talk" while I was gone. She has said that while she loves me, I need to allow her to stay in touch with this other guy since he has helped her so much with her college work and other things that have come up. Her mother also likes him a lot. I feel that I have waited for her a long time and that we are the same "type" of people and that since he is a professional that he wouldn't be right for her like I am. I have also asked her to marry me, but she won't finalize her divorce and says she isn't ready to get married. She also talks about traveling a lot some day and of owning a house. She has never done any of this before and is still renting a house. This other guy used to work as an Engineer and has lived other places in the world and has enough money to travel. I get along great with her step father. What should I do? Do you think she could leave me because I have never gone to college and have been unemployed several times in the past year? I really love her but am truthfully unsure of how she really feels about me even though she says she loves me. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I would like to get more opinions (especially from women). One thing I read in the responses that I guess wasn't clear in my (too long) question is that my girlfriend has not started the divorce process from her ex-husband yet although she has no interest in ever getting back with him. He continually created financial problems for her and continually cheated on her. They have even come to blows at times. So, I'm not worried about him. She has been separated from her ex-husband over two years now though and says that she doesn't want the expense of an official divorce right now. She is good friends with this other man she has met at school and he is obviously interested in her. I'm afraid of loosing her. Does it look like this could happen?
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 October 2010):
Hi there. Only time will tell what is really meant to be.
As you have said, perhaps she isn't ready for another marriage just yet.
It's possible that she would like a friendship, but would also like to enjoy some freedom - the travelling that you mentioned.
It's also possible that although she loves you, that at the same time as she feels that way, in the big picture of things, she really doesn't know what she wants right now from life for herself.
So it's going to have to be a case of you having patience with her from now on, because of this. You might be ready to get serious, but maybe she isn't. It certainly sounds like she isn't.
There's not a lot you can do about this friendship she has with this other man, you can't really force her to make a choice between you. If you did do that, it would put her on the spot and she might end it with you. You don't want that.
You need to believe in yourself more, and be happy with being you and to like yourself. Remember, you are the one she is living with - not this other guy.
If she didn't feel the way she does about you, she definitely wouldn't have even suggested that you move in with her. That would have been the last thing she would be thinking about.
The main thing is that you enjoy each other's company for now, and just see how things pan out over time. She isn't even divorced yet, although you say it is in the process - just not finalised as yet. I am also assuming she is sure about that and she won't be changing her mind. Perhaps she just hasn't taken that last step to visit her lawyer to do the paperwork. It's probably that simple.
Don't be in any hurry to push her to advance your relationship before she is ready. Both of you must be absolutely sure that it's the right decision and that you are good together.
In the meantime, really get to know each other more thoroughly again. It's been a long time since you first were a couple, so many things have happened in both your lives and you do want to be sure you still are the same two people you were all those years ago. Only then can you make a decision to walk down the aisle together or not.
Don't get anxious about this other man. Just enjoy each other's company, have fun, laugh and be happy. Life is too short.
Hope it all goes well for you both. Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 well first of she should be able to have male friends if she wants and you cant tell her not to hang out with this man you just need to trust her. If you dont trust her then you shouldnt be together in the first place. As for your insecurities about her leaving you only she can answer these am afraid, so sit down with her and ask her where she see's your relationship going? Ask her do you think it will be long term or that you are on different paths of life. She should be able to answer your questions and put your mind at rest once and for all.
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