A
male
age
30-35,
*austens
writes:I need an outsider's insight, and advice concerning what I should be doing, saying, thinking right now. What should I, a generally self-confident yet sexually frustrated young man, be focusing on?I do not understand my paradoxical emotions: sometimes I feel lonely, desperate, and worthless because I am not sexually free, have never even made out with anybody, but other times I feel happy and content because I know I am an intelligent, attractive, talented kid whose only reason for never getting any action is that he is not interested in many girls. I feel like I am placing a lot of expectations on myself based on my peers, who are all experiencing the fledgling glories of blooming sex lives, while I do nothing but unhappily contemplate my virginity; yet despite these expectations, I am aware and certain of my charms. Basically, I feel like I'm making this whole "having sex" thing too difficult, but I am also feeling morbidly hopeless.Comparing the wintry isolation of my love life to the passionate freedom of the majority of my friends' sex lives leads me to question the root cause of my unspent passion and controlled desire, and the only conclusion I can come to is that I am inherently not attractive enough, and thus not worthy enough, to make a girl sexually interested in me. Although this is the most horrendously clichéd analogy I could use, I feel like a flower in full bloom whom none of the bees pollinate. There is no obvious reason the flower remains untouched, being open and equally as enticing on the surface as other flowers; similarly, I'm living my life as a healthy, vibrant young man, admittedly not prostituting myself to the ladies, but not openly rejecting them either, so I do not understand why I am so untouched. I assume I am doing something subconsciously that is sending "Do Not Touch Me" signals out to all those lovely (horny) ladies buzzing through the air. Since there is nothing I am consciously doing different from my friends, I feel like there is just some inherent flaw in my basic programming that I can never change because I am not aware of it, and so, because I feel like this is a permanent, irreparable state, I am becoming depressed, sometimes even to the point of contemplating suicide.I never do anything as drastic as suicide, though: I cannot honestly look at my life, my situation, or myself and still remain hopeless, because I am a well-fed, talented, physically attractive boy with family and friends overflowing with love. For instance, as I finished the first sentence of this paragraph, I received a call from my friend whom I admire very much asking if I wanted to play music today. This shows that I have friends, that I have good friends, that my friends see qualities in me, and that I see qualities enough in myself to have become a good enough musician and conversationalist to have earned such a good friend. We say friendship is unconditional, but there is no friendship without both parties meeting the initial condition of liking one another. I see this as incontrovertible proof that I am likable. In fact, I love myself. I wrote a list of the things I love about myself one day when I was feeling low, and it brought me right back up again. Here is that list: I am good looking; I am funny; I am a musician; I am a writer; I am strong; I am a photographer; I am a teacher; I remember love; I have two parents who love me; I have a brother I look up to; I have a God who never rejects me; I am an artist; I have an education; I have life goals; I can dance; I am an individual. I have all these reasons to love myself, and they are all compelling and wonderful.And now, boring plot summary. I mentioned earlier that I am not interested in many girls, and that statement requires some explanation. I never dated in Jr. High--I thought it was ridiculous, despite how much I desired to kiss girls just like all my friends had done. When high school rolled around finally, I already felt too inexperienced to be a serious player in the game of freshman love, and as it turns out, I was right. Undoubtedly, this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then again, my only romantic interest was the cute drum major (a senior) who turned lesbian when she went to college and is now, along with her girlfriend, a person I greatly enjoy chilling with. My sophomore year was one of intense contempt for high school society, and I honestly don't much remember why. I remember feeling lonely and unwilling to acquiesce in any way to the social norms because I was so damn proud. In retrospect, I was clearly cutting off my nose to spite my face. That year I did openly and pretty insensitively reject two girls because I was in such a bad mood 24/7. By my Junior year I had grown out of that pride, and was in the throes of unhealthy ethereal love with a girl who had a boyfriend, was addicted to cocaine, and led me on. It's partially my fault, but I was desperate. This was my first experience with love, and I figure that at the time I was beginning to silently worship her (October 2007) I should have been getting it on with girls who would at least be honest. After this, I kissed a lot of girls in the school play because I had to run around with my shirt off the whole time and, as I said, I am not ugly. Anyway, I was severely depressed about loving a girl who didn't love me back, and I didn't overcome that depression until the beginning of my senior year, when I finally began expressing my interest in girls purely because they were nice and pretty. Girls like me, they think I'm cute, funny, all that jazz, but I am still finding myself losing interest before anything becomes even remotely erotic. My friends talk to girls younger than them, make out with them, sex them, and move on, but I just sit, aware of my pros, unaware of how to use them to my advantage, or even when to, or with whom, or . . . you get the picture. I feel like I am going nowhere.I love myself, I love my life, but still I am here, writing this pathetic synopsis of my confusion. I feel hopeless, but not utterly. I feel stagnant, but temporarily. I am losing patience. In conclusion, I am totally ignorant. I need advice from somebody wiser than me.
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depressed, flowers, lesbian, move on, player, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): If you're half as boring to the girls you meet as you are to us, no wonder you haven't scored yet. You want brutal honesty - a guy's point of view - sorry but that's it man. Just live your life, let things happen or make them happen. You're over-complicating everything - let it roll - ENJOY life!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): Woah woah woah! first of all you would make a good poet!!
Secondly you should cherish you virginity!! I think it's great you have left it alone because when you finally do find someone you think you really like or love it will be the most special moment of your life!!
It's really great that your happy with yourself and loe everything around you like that and it is important that you keep up that attitude or you will soon need a lot of help around you.
When you become sexually frustrated why not just go out with some friends and have a few drinks and what not? Meet some new people and maybe you may find someone!
It's not easy no but it won't always be this way at all I promise!!
And when you said you don't think you are attractive enough what do you mean by that? You must remember that all girls have their own different opinion.. you just need to be yourself... it isn't all about looks with us girls so don't worry! You just need to keep saying those nice things about yourself and concentrate on your working or what ever your oing at the moment and enjoy yourself just don't go rushing into things!
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): i feel exactly the way you do. Trust me figuring it all out is not easy and you may not have all your questions answered. But dont feel to bad there are a lot of people who feel the way we do. It also doesnt get any easier. If anything it will be harder. Whether you know it or not your generation has already surpassed you by years in the love and dating aspect. So you will need to find a girl who is at your level relationship wise. which is hard today with society's constant sexualization of everything. Hang in there. Its all about quality not quantity. You will find that one girl who is at your level and you will progress together hopefully. Plus it will have been more meaningful to you than sexing up ten chicks.
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