A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi i am 27/ f/ married for 5 years. I have been involved with lots of guys in my life physically and this continued even after marriage as my husband is not a interested in sex, its been almost 3 years we made love, he is fine with it as he is not interesed but i manage with external affairs, short terms ones though. but now i am addicted to a guy and we almost have sex everyday i seem to be emotionally and physically attached with him a lot he too feels the same however there is no love and future marriage plans with him etc, but now when my husband wants to have a baby and comes close to touch me i go away i dont like it and cant relate to him physically. i am unable to leave this guy for physical attachment also am unable to lead a normal life with my husband. please advise me
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female
reader, amber jarvey  +, writes (26 April 2011):
i have been through this recently and i am heartbroken. we both entered the affair, him moreso on an emotional level, he didnt just want sex, he wanted me, all of me. we fell inlove, we did speak of the future but not alot as we were too wrapped up in eachother. I can honestly say i felt no guilt for what i was doing, i hadnt been happy for a long time, i hadnt been attracted to my fiance for a while but couldnt figure out what to do about it. Then he came along and i felt like my questions had been answered, i really did think it was fate and i realised why i had been so unhappy for so long. It was so intense, i thought i had found my soulmate. He risked alot to see me, a hell of alot, we both told eachother we had fallen for eachother and so on. After about a month i didnt want to touch my fiance, everytime he tried i cried my eyes out and he had no idea why. it was awful. All i could think about was him, i was actually nearly sick one night, couldnt bare for him to touch me. I know where you are coming from completely but after the 4th time of nearly getting caught, alot was said between us etc he cut contact and i havent heard from him in 4 months. Even though im sure he will contact me once the dust settles. I have never felt something so intense, emotionally or physically and it literally took my breath away but in this time i forgot he was married, i still believe what he said to me but it took over, i became far to attached and now i feel sick from missing him so much, i cant contact him atall other than going to his home!!, so im sure you know what im getting at.Im not going to say stop seeing him because i know its almost impossible when you feel that way but try your best to limit contact and think about other things seriously, i wish i had x i am engaged with a child also
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (6 April 2011):
I think you have two sets of problems which are related. One is that you have serious marital problems, the relationship with your husband is very bad. The second is that you are emotionally dependent on the other guy. It's not good to be so emotionally dependent on someone (not even if he were your husband, because when people are very dependent the relationship gets strangled and destroyed).
It could be that you have some long-standing personal issues to resolve within yourself, whether that is building confidence or developing healthier relationship skills.
Your marriage wasn't perfect one day and then utterly miserable the next. Somewhere along the way it became the way it is now, but gradually. Maybe it was never a good marriage from day one in which case you have to ask yourself why did you get married, what does this say about yourself and do you need to change some aspect of yourself. Or maybe the marriage started out good but then it really deteriorated to the state it's in now in which case you had a part to play in it (since there are two people in a marriage) even if it's through allowing things to get this way.
If your husband wants a baby with you, then clearly there is massive communication between you because he doesn't feel as miserable as you are, you both have very different views of your relationship so there's a big disconnect there. Or else if he's aware of how unhappy you are and yet he wants to bring a baby into this relationship anyway, then he has issues of his own too. (and no don't bring a baby into your marriage unless your marriage improves, it wouldnt' be fair to the child otherwise)
I would suggest that you decide what to do about your marriage first. Take some time to examine why or how your marriage became so bad, and what your options are. For example, if you are so miserable in your marriage, why don't you get divorced?
and then with the other guy - ask yourself, are you only dependent on him because you need him to fill the void and relieve the stress caused by your marriage?
clearly your situation is unhealthy, it's stressing you out. I think you should stop seeing the other guy (or at least put that relationship on hold until you are divorced, if you decide to get divorced) and examine your marriage and what you want it to be and whether you want to try and work things out with your husband or if it's time to cut yourself loose and make a new life for yourself.
you said your husband has never been interested in physical intimacy. This could be a fundamental incompatibility meaning it's just not going to work out and maybe it's time to face that fact and deal with it in a healthier way - getting divorced so you can both find more compatible partners to share your lives with - than to continue a marriage where you feel so unfulfilled you resort to extramarital affairs which is very unhealthy.
another possibility is that your husband has always had big problems with you which is why he's not interested in being intimate with you, could it be that he knows about your extramarital affairs and is harboring deep resentments toward you? Or, is he also cheating on you and that's why he's not interested in being intimate with you? And yet, he wants to have a baby with you? Does he just see you as a baby-making machine?
I think you need to really examine your relationship with your husband and decide if it's worth confronting the issues with him and trying to improve the relationship, or if it's time to leave already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): File for divorce. You are unhappy and unsatisfied. And causing more damage than good.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (5 April 2011):
 I think you need to leave your husband and find a mate that will love you and sex you up. Its impossible to be in a sexless marriage at a young age and you have only been married 5 years imagine your life in the future if you were to stay marry to your now husband.
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