A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HeyI am 27 year old, attractive female. I do not have any family or too many friends in the place i live right now (the whole state - actually the whole country). Its depressing, hard and lonely life I live at times.Lately I have been getting into this deep depression when I just want to give up. I have nothing to live for.I had a fiancee, we broke up last summer, because of his family issues, and since than I have been alone.Every man I had after him, wanted to only use me for sex or eye candy. I am not trying to let them, I dont give them sex too early .. I will make them wait at least month and a half into the "relationship" but they don't care. After they get what they want they are gone. I don't understand where am I making mistake. I am very laid back, fun, friendly, happy ... and people say I am beautiful (very european looking) woman. Guys turn their heads when I walk around and I know they like me, but I dont understand where is the mistake that they like me only "sexually" but seems like they do not wanna be with me.It is very hard. I am trying to go out to the city .. and look around, but who wants to go party alone, go to the movies alone, or the restaurant? Yeah, exactly, no one... not to mention, that if a girl goes to a bar or club alone, she looks like a cheap prostistitute thats looking for some money or some trouble. My friends are always "or 99%" of time too busy with their boyfriends and other stuff so I hardly see anyone, so going out w friends or something like that is pretty much out of a guestion, unfortunatelySo now, tell me what to do.Maybe I should also say, I did the whole internet dating for like past 4 months (had about 4000 emails-some dates and how did all end up? If i liked the guy, he liked me only for one thing ...I am lost guys, dont know what to do, where to go, who to ask .. I am tired of being lonely and played.
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female
reader, KarlyRae +, writes (20 July 2009):
I know exactly how you feel. I 24 and I know I am attractive to guys (I'm also European looking, I've heard). Sometimes I wonder if it's the way we look that makes it harder. Guys look at us and their mind goes to some place other than "love, committment, mother of my children etc". They think someone as beautiful as you probably doesn't have a lot else to offer because then you would be too good to be true. I dunno, that's just a theory cuz I have the same problem!! It sucks being young and single (I just broke up w/ my fiance a month ago) and wanting to do stuff but there's no one to do it with! It does make you sad and lonely and depressed....I have definitely been there. What you have to do is stop looking for guys cuz they don't define you. I made a couple of new girlfriends who are single as well and we talk about guys, but we don't worry that we're "alone" ya know? There have been times where I go out ot the bar by myself but I have just learned to not care what anyone thinks! If you lived close to me, I would invite you to come party with just us girls and not worry about relationships. Just have fun. I swear I have been there, been so depressed. I have one attempt at suicide (over a guy) so trust me when I say I have felt hopeless. You really just need to get out there with some girls and I know you'll have a blast! Guys will be checkin you out but you won't care because your with your girls. I'd suggest looking up some old friends you're not in touch with or just asking some girl that you seem to get along with if she goes ever, and maybe you guys could go together. I met the girls I've been hangin out with lately while we were filming this cheesy commercial and we got each other's numbers and that weekend we were downtown dancing! You never know, you just gotta try a little. Sorry this is so long, I just feel like I really relate with what you had to say! Good luck! I live in CO by the way where are you located?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): well sweetie i am in the same boat with you i am an african american 30 year old women who is very sexy and gets hit on alot but can never seem to find that true love thats seems to be every where but by me. I have been out of a relationship with my daughters father for 3 years he has moved on but im still stuck. All my friends the 2 that i have are tied up and im stuck with my space and face book i know how you feel but if you believe in god stay in faith and know that god wants you alone for a reason he wants to get your attention so he can put you were he wants you dont ever give up when you feel like giving just remember god will never leave or forsake you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): You said you don't know what mistakes you are making.
Here are some suggestions based on your last "excuses" for being unhappy.
I know I am pretty and guys like the way I look but they don't approach me, I feel stupid approaching them I don't know how.
a. You give them a big smile, tilt your head, toss your hair or something and say Hello,,,,,and he'll take it from there....pick up a book on the art of seduction or flirting.
I don't want to consider a man with kids, don't like taking care of kids, I've been there. Or a man that has been divorced 7 times...
b. Why rule out a guy with one small child, if it isn't autistic, you may really love the kid as much as the man.
c. I don't know any men who have been divorced 7 times. A guy who has been divorced once though is a marrying kind of guy, he did it once, he may of married too young, or his wife cheated on him...this happens a lot to divorced guys.
I am attracted to bad boys, I don't want someone who is a dork or looks like "no one".
d. Wow, you sound pretty snobby here, no wonder guys are intimidated by you...you are pretty and you are judging them by their looks....if you are attracted to good looking bad boys, then they are judging you on your looks, too......leads to shallow connections don't you imagine.
e. By chosing only bad boys, you are chosing idiots without a plan for their lives and with no intentions of settling down...you like a challenge, you want to prove to yourself you can tame one of those bad boys....equals automatic recipe for failure.
f. A guy who is a dork or looks like no one may just need a wonderful gal like you to help them get into style....a lot of these dorky men are book smart, engineers and the like who make great livings and make great supportive, loving husbands....a diamond in the rough....so don't look past a little dorkiness........sometimes attraction grows when we get to know someone and fall in love with them.
I had great luck with on line dating when I met my fiance, but this time no.
g. Keep trying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.
I am either act like a child or act like a man, and when I get tired of being all that then I become sad me and guys are afraid to talk to me.
H. Stop acting like a child or a man, figure out who you are as an individual, what your goals, dreams and more importantly values and passions are and let people see the authentic you, don't pretend to be anything or any one....the real deal won't find you otherwise because you have a suit of armour up and your guy won't recognize you....someone is looking for the real you.
Being "all that" must be exhausting, no wonder you are sad.
Guys are afraid to approach pretty girls.
I. I am calling out the BS meter on that one.....and the poor pitiful me song is playing on the radio.
You are very fortunate to have looks, now you just have to develop a kind personality to go with it....
Guys are not afraid to approach pretty girls who give off a vibe that they are approachable and like other people and like themselves.....again learn to smile and to flirt and to speak or non hello.
You are having a pity party........you have a lot going for you, and sometimes I find that Gratitude for what you have goes a long way to changing your attitude and your mood and your vibe that you give off to others. So does a genuine, not snotty, judging I don't like you unless you look like someone important attitude, but a genuine interest and concern for others.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHeyThanks for the ideas :)I do go out a lot ... bookstores,stores,parks ... etc. But not much luck, or luck w people I am not interested in. I am not sure about dating someone w kids, or 7times divorced ... its just not me. I honestly (don't want to sound ignorant) don't want to take care of someone elses kids (been there ... its not fun) and if a guy is divorced who knows how many times ... there is a reason behind it .. and also most of these guys, don't wanan jump into anything serious, since they have been hurt many times before or so. I don't party muc, cause I don't have time. I work as a therapist for children w Autism and I also bartend. Yes, people will say .. oh wow, you bartend, thats a way to meet guys - big mistake!!!!! I don't look for guys at my bar - again, not me. I was very lucky w dating online, when I met my ex fiance ... but it wasnt working this time. Got only guys, that I am absolutely not interested in. And yes, I gave them chance and went out couple of times, but it just had no future .... I am one of those girls interested in bad boys, I admit ... but I can't help that I am not attracted to dorks or guys that look like "no one" ... maybe it sounds ignorant again, but I am being honest. If a guy doesnt interestes me right the way and I dont feel the conection, I know it wont work ... and Im always right. My mother saiz, that im too picky, but I dont think I am picky .. I just pick wrong people. But who wants to be with someone, thats very nice and all that ,but does not attract them ... I don't. Guys also say, I am not easy to aproach .. only when I am in my fun modes and I shote jokes at them. I work in a child invaroment and than in very manly invaromen .. so I either act like a child or like a men .... and when I get tired of being all that ... I become sad me and Im no fun and guys are scared to talk to me.I have very strong facial features .. very blonde, long hair and blue eyes ... I do like the way I look and I know I am pretty (again, hope I dont sound overly self-confident, cause unfortunately in a real life Im not). I think guys are scared to aproach pretty girls ... they will stare at me ... they will turn their heads around when I walk .. but they will not come and talk to me !! And I feel so stupid going to them and talk to them, cause I dont know how
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): please don't get depressed - men just aren't worth it. I know the following will seem like lecturing - apologies in advance. firstly I know this is counterintuitive but stop dating, you have to love yourself before you can love another person. 2nd stop talking about sex while dating, men think (wrongly) that you are sleazy. 3rd there are lots & lots of men who would love to date you (and not just for sex) but you'll have to find them & find their true intent. if 6 weeks isn't working then maybe extend that OR ask your girlfriends if he's a good guy - stop dating guys that are playing you. Finally to cheer yourself up hang out with your girlfriends more - even if they have BF's you need to bond with them - you NEED a support mechanism - group to help the blues. in the army we say Positive Mental Attitude so stop bashing yourself (therapists would call that Thought Stopping) decide on a plan and again an army saying Improvise Adapt and Overcome. Good luck and god bless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Where to find nice guys.....i.e. not in bars
Grocery store, flirt with a guy ask his opinion on some wine, or something
You are gorgeous so start using your assets, be feminine and flirt...offer your phone number to someone you like.
Book stores
Take golf lessons
Golf driving range
Sailboating
At the pool
Cooking Classes
Football or Baseball game
Tailgate Parties
Volunteering is probably the number one way people
your age meet eachother in large cities
Start a women's group
Tell all of your single and married girlfriend's you are
interested in them playing matchmaker to you.
Consider dating a man with kids or some other criteria that
you never considered before.
Be authentic, be yourself and you will attract the right man to you, don't pretend to be something you are not, if you aren't a party girl or a bar hound, don't live like one or act like one....have your interests that make you happy and share your passions with the people who are lucky enough to meet you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Hi, I thought I would throw in a female perspective as I think I have become a professional dater....Actually I have had a few long term relationships, but I have been exactly where you are more than a couple of times.
Let's start with your social life with friends. You say your girlfriend's are too busy with their boyfriends to spend time with you. One suggestion for that is to be more honest about what you would like from them.....and buy tickets to a play or to an event that you would like to go to and invite a girlfriend to go and pay her way.
Same with asking her to dinner, at least offer to pay.
Sometimes you have to buy your friends, I don't mean that in a bad way, but sometimes people lack motivation to spend money on things, they have to prioritize and if they are in a relationship, that is the priority.
It would be wise of you to make some new friends. There are a ton of single women in your age group and beyond...so reach out and get to know someone who is single. To have a friend you have to be a friend, so you are required to actually care about someone else, there life and there problems....learn to be a better listener and speak from your heart and show these women some love.
Now as far as you finding guys that are only interested in you for sex. You say you make them wait a month and a half, that is only 6 short weeks! If you want to be more sure about the guy's agenda, experts actually recommend waiting 6 months (I would find that difficult) but at the very least 90 days. If a guy is in it only for the sex, he will lose interest....if a guy is a great guy and he is wanting a relationship with you, then he will be happy just to be in your company. That doesn't mean that you can't be sexual, just don't have oral or full on sex (which to me both are sex!) if you can help it.
Let's say you have sex to soon. Sometimes what sends guys running is how you behave after that. A lot of women after having sex with a man, start behaving as if she is his girlfriend and they are exclusive when he hasn't asked her to be....she calls him a lot, she calls him before bed for his nightly bed checks, and she gets clingy....guys hate this when you do that to them.....you have to let a man pursue you.....never pursue him more than he pursues you and do not stop dating other men...why would you stop dating if a guy hasn't officially asked you for a relationship? Also until marriage is on the table, you can be called a girlfriend and the guy still does not want a commitment of marriage as he thinks you are still just dating...doesn't mean anything either when he introduces you to the important people in his life, that is not a sign of commitment, it is a sign he likes you though.
And I personally think that talking about sex early on with a man sends out the wrong vibe.....like that is all that you are really interested in too....it isn't very feminine or lady like, it is like locker room talk to men...so I would stop talking about sex until you are actually in bed with the guy......
Another thing, there is nothing wrong with going to dinner or out to a movie alone....you want to be sure and date yourself too.....don't stop doing things you enjoy because you don't have a date.....you will get depressed.
If you are falling into a deep depression, you don't have to put up with that and you are not going to be sending out a vibe that you are approachable....depressed people want to be alone and people will be happy to stay away from you....Make an appointment with your primary care physician and be specific about your symptoms. You may need talk therapy and or antidepressants.....to get you over your depression.....don't ignore it because it can get worse and it isn't something that you can just will yourself out of. It is due to chemical imbalance in your brain, and there is medicine for that....the newer medications do not have any side effects either....they are literally a life saver for some people.
Good Luck and remember to take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys
I have been seeing different age groups ... cause I thought .. maybe I am going out w guys that are too young and immature ... yeah, no ... the older ones were the same thing ...
Maybe I am sending out some bad vibes .. maybe thats why they think I am only for sex? ... I am very open .. and I don't mind talking about sex or things that people maybe dont talk about openly ... but i think its part of life and why not talk about it.
I am not a little quiet girl. I speak up my mind, I will stand up for myself and I don't ever let anyone talk to me badly ... guys usually say I am a crazy beautiful social butterfly ...
Should I maybe become that little gray mouse to find that guy? .... :(
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A
male
reader, Alone88  +, writes (29 March 2009):
 Hiya cutie,,,
I'm so sorry about you? but in the other hand i see you as you 're such a beautiful, BRAVY girl.Any way you've better Not rush 2 get an honest guy who appreciate ur beauty.Just mind up ur head and be patient , Don't be DISAPPOINTED.Try 2 get as much as good friends around.Should be there 're some around
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A
male
reader, shades of blue +, writes (29 March 2009):
 A older gentleman once told me the secret to finding the "right one". He said if you are looking for Ms. Right, make sure you are Mr. Right.
Sounds corny, but the advice will make you take inventory of your life and what kind of vibe you are sending out.
The sad thing though, there are to many people out there looking for sex and not a relationship.
Keep your head up, eventually you will get noticed for who you are. I'm sure there is some guy out there wishing he could find a girl like you!
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