A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:good evening aunts and uncleswhere do i begin? i suppose i could start with im the other woman.it started about a year ago when i joined a new gym, i was new to the whole setup and was being introduced to how everything worked. on my first day i met a few more newbies and more importantly i saw him.of course there was that instant thought " wow your hot!" but for the first 2 months there was never anything more than glances from both parties.until my group of friends suggested we all go out on the town! the night was a great hit and even the personal trainers turned up too and so did "he". we talked all through the evening and it felt nice knowing i could talk to him about everything and anything, it was nice to have him as a friend. after alot of alcohol the dancing got hotter and the looks more lustful... but nothing happened, we did exchange phone numbers. from then we started texting each other all the time, it wasnt until the day after that he told me he had a girlfriend, this isntantly stuck up a red flag and i was happy with the friend barrier.until he asked to meet up... i was worried and nervous as i didnt know what to expect but i went along anyway. we met up and it was clear he had other thigs in mind. he started making it clear but i told him " no its not right" but he just made it out to be a " bit of fun" and as the evening went on and his pestering ( as i see it now ) went on, i gave in... that was the night i went emotionally dead.from then up until a month ago, we would have stolen evenings meeting whever he said, always with one thing on his mind, and i would always say the same " this is not right" but i did it anyway. countless times i told him enough was enough but he'd wear me down and tell me " its just abit of fun" with all the while screaming at myself that this wasnt right. i would ask him why are you with your girlfriend if your doing this and he would always say " i dont know" but last month was the last time, i finally got what i wanted an end to it. and then just last week he said he didnt want to do it anymore and i was so relieved but at the same time upset as i had grown attached to him, now a weeks gone by with no contact, i dont plan on contacting him. but i feel as tho i have lost something but im not sure what that is?but what im left with is self loathing. i truly hate myself. i hate what i have become and i hate what i have done to his poor girlfriend. i know many of you will tell me i deserve it and i agree with you. i didnt have the sttrength to end it myself or to even STOP it from happennig in the first place. i am a sad excuse for a woman, how could i treat another woman so? what i ask aunts and uncles is what is my next course of action? what would be the RIGHT thing to do? as right now i feel lost,i feel like im waiting for the end to come, i feel like im waiting for it all to come spilling out, for all my other friends at the gym to hate me, and hunt me down, waiting for his girlfriend to hate me and find me and kill me. but im also waiting for when i can get rid of this feeling of pure vile hatred i have for myself. not a minute goes by where i dont feel like utter scum.any advice would be helpfulthankyou
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): wow, for some reason I did not read your last two paragrpahs, im the same person who made the last post. It's normal and actually a healthy thing to feel guilty-we learn and grow from guilt and shame. IT's a good thing! It is sad for hwat happened to you too, and you should validate your sadness too and that you were also wronged by him. However if you are self loathing and or feeling self pity instead, then you won't learn much from this experience at all. Are your friends also freidns with his gf? If not, seek out support and jsut honestly express your feelings of guilt, shame and remorse to them. PEople will respect and relate to that, and you may get the support you need. If they can't support you and understand you, then try to keep meeting new friends who will and you can also consider good therapy ( though I have to say personal experience with therapy, is that you have to swtich them around liek hair dressers to find the best "fit" some believe it or not can do more damage than good, esepcially for such things like this as emotional development.)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): Hi there. First of all, I have to give you props for at least acknowledging and feeling guilty for what this guy is doing to his gf and not actually being selfish. It is a learning experience that you can or should explore, but not pursue, and I will get to that in a moment. I have been in the same situation as his gf, but unlike you, this bitch actually wanted to "steal" my man. Not win him over either because she did everything with him secretly instead of confronting me like a real woman. Real self esteem issues, and apparently she is not new to this either. I wonder if there is a site for women who do this on purpose, like the website that reports cheating narcissists. After some months of having sexual outtings with my bf, and intitally she wanted to just be a friend with benefits, and had NO problem that he came back home ot me every night, I think it started to hit her what she finally was, nothing to him, and she was very jealous of me and constantly comparing herself to me, finally she asked him to break up with me 'officially' my engangement of 8 years, and we lived together for 7 too! Not becuase she wanted the real deal with him, but to keep controlling him, his attention, and to "prove" to herself that she was the better woman. He agreed to stop the affair and work things out with me, and she kept calling him, and even tried to negotiate seeing him once a month until he "moved out" which he was never going to do anyhow. If the guy does not leave his girlfriend within a couple of months, chances are, he is not going to and you are just escape, like a sexual addiction, like porn, video games, etc. These are sick toxic men, with real deal issues who need real professional help, and you shoud not waste a single moment replacing mommy/shrinks/therapist/porn/cop, etc.
This is a learning and good experience for you because, without having to get more deeply involved and hurt, you learn that you don't want to be treated the same as his gf. You deserve and are entitled to attention towards you only. The second a man stops, or you know hes taken, or "unhappy in a relationship" you turn around and look elsewhere. You save yourself and the legitimate relationship with his gf a lot of heartache and drama. From your post, I can tell your are not like the low self esteem and/or heartless bitches, you jsut want love and attention from a guy whom you find attractive. This will eat away at your self esteem over time if you stay with him. I was in your exact same shoes once before too, and I stepped out and away from that guy. I told the guy, tell your gf the truth and sort out your stuff with counseling or whatever you need to. Because only then you will know if he is truely ready to move on from his gf. I'm glad I made that decision, because this guy worked things out with his gf and he realized he really loved her, but was escaping being held acountable with some things going and not growing up. The best situation for YOU, would be to tell this guy the same. "Im interested in being a wife, in a serious commited relationship, It's not fair to me or her and I don't want this, and I think you should work things out with your girlfriend and sort out the real issues, and appreciate what you have or learn how to get what you really need and want." and never call him again. If you have to face him at the gym, just keep it curt, and to not step back when he tries to convince you otherwise. If you TRUELY do not show any signs of openess and availability to him, he will give up. In the mean time, enjoy your time at the gym and meet and talk with other guys (and always, don't get stuck on one, ever. The only worry I would have, is that he tells his girl, and make it look like he pursued YOU, and she lashes out on you. There are some consequences you will have to be prepared to handle for being the other woman, but beleive me, leaving him now is best outcome for you. On the other hand, you can continue being with him, but it will slowly destroey your esteem and integrity. Listen up ladies! Put higher quality men out there, by NOT BEING THE OTHER WOMAN and never chasing/persuing a man either!
To "a female" I wish you the best, and I hope you find a good man who treats you right the way you deserve, and don't unwittingly become part of the problem that keeps men low quality in character and scumbags.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): I relate with you totally. But you have to let him go and forget about him try to i know its not easy. Find another activity to keep in and avoid the gym if you have to until you have the strength to face him without feeling anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou both very much for your advice, you both have given me alot to think about and it is the right thing to do, i know i wont feel good for some time to come but i suppose its what comes with doing something so wrong. thankyou for not being so harsh. thankyou once again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): If in doubt, do nothing! He said all along it was 'just a bit of fun'. You had your fun & now it's over. So just carry on with your life. He won't want anybody to know anyhow so it is unlikely that people will find out. He is the bad guy here really but you caved in & fell for his persuasions. Just carry on as normal & hang out with single guys & divert your mind to a new activity or hobby perhaps. There is no point loathing yourself to this extent. Yes you were selfish re his GF but you aren't a paedophile or a murderer either. You're not the first woman to fall weak to the charms of an attached man and you won't be the last. Usually women who go with attached/unavailable men have some sort of insecurity within themselves and I guess the men also have insecurity so it's a bit of a match made in Heaven in some respects, except that it usually ends in diasaster. I think you should be grateful it has ended now, early, been nipped in the bud. There is no point upsetting his GF by telling her. If anyone is to tell her, then he should. He has had his 'bit of fun' & you are now shot of him like you wanted. One little word to the wise......if he cames back DO NOT entertain him. If he really wanted you that much he would have broken up with his GF so that he could have made a go of things with you but as he didn't do that we can only assume he wanted to have his cake and eat it then make luxury trifle out of the leftovers. The right thing to do is forget about him & go on with your life & stay away from any more attached men. All the best.
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