A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am a 20 year old virgin girl(yeah that's bad I know) and I have a boyfriend and we tried having sex yesterday but we couldn't because he felt I was too tensed. And I know I was and he could see I was worried and scared.I am like really scared and I tense up when comes intercourse. It's the second time that happens. I'm okay when I masturbate though.What's the problem with me ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): i know exactly what you are talking about. i was a 19 and my bf also 19 tried to have sex last october but the first time we tried we failed miserably because i was way too nervous which made him nervous. we talked about it. and we def. had lots of foreplay and we didnt bring it up again until a couple weeks later "i" felt ready and relaxed for sex.
all i can say is that your situation is more than normal...and i suggest just wait until "you" are fully ready and relaxed. "you" will know when "you" are ready!
good luck and be patient,
its worth the wait
~clh~
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (23 May 2007):
Your problem is that you have a lot of anxiety and tension around sex, and it is not uncommon for this to happen if you haven't had sex yet. Your solution is to take the problem out of the equation - take the focus away from having sex, and focus on having lots of foreplay. Focus on intimacy, on being together with eachothers bodies. Let your time together be long, and relaxed, and this will help your tension fall away, and help you be relaxed. During these times when you feel more relaxed, try have sex, and if it doesn't work, stop trying and return to foreplay, without feeling guilty that it hasn't worked out. You can let go of any guilt you might feel by trusting that when you are relaxed enough and ready, it will happen. After a few goes, I am sure you will feel relaxed enough with the scenario to have sex successfully, and from there I am sure most of the tension will fall away for you. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyed, with someone you want to be with, try keep that in mind in the moment. If you are going to try this approach, you will have to discuss it with your partner before hand, and probably during your foreplay.
Good luck.
PS it is also not uncommon for people people to only start having sex in their 20's, despite what you read in the papers and see on TV. There is nothing wrong with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): you say "that's bad I know" but, really, there's nothing wrong with that! There's no need to rush into sex, or feel ashamed for being a virgin at whatever age - just relax and take it at your own pace. If your boyfriend really likes you, he will understand and he will be happy to wait for you to be ready.
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A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (23 May 2007):
There's no rush to have sex. There are so many non-intercourse games two people can play together to achieve the same satisfaction. Go with what your comfortable with and expand upon that little by little till you get where you want to go.
When you're ready to have sex... Well, your body will let you know.
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