A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm starting to think sex is GROSS, for the first time since I experienced it a little more than ten years ago, I am not coming from an 'oh, I've been with so many people and done so many freaky things that I want to go vanilla now with the right guy' stance. I mean, I don't know if I ever even want to have it again. I've been in 3 serious relationships in my life. I think I loved all of them, and they did, or at least wanted to love me. I say I think it was love, but I am not sure what the exact definition of love is, as it seems to evolve (or devolve) over time. I know what it feels like to be 'in love', but people fall in love constantly for those who are not the right match for them. I know because I've experienced it and have seen it happen with many others as well.My last boyfriend and I probably had too much sex. He wanted it constantly, and out of context, which was fine by me at the time because I was still liking it, and his random impulsiveness seemed a novelty of sorts. I only worried that so much sex was a way for him to substitute us actually getting closer to one another emotionally. I'm thinking my experience with him is contributing to this feeling I have now. We were so passionate physically together, but in the long run, we were still not compatible emotionally. We're still friends, and I feel very attached to him, but had we never had so much sex, I wonder if I would feel that way now about him? Or if he would still feel so connected to me?I don't know if it ever feels truly right to sleep with someone. So, you think you love someone...but does that necessitate having to lock genitals? I now know for sure that it doesn't bring people closer in a way that helps them work together better in life or I guess empathize with one another. I usually find sex incredibly relaxing and it makes me happy in a way if I love and trust someone. I feel closer to all people when I'm physically close with one person I love and who I hope loves me. But then I see how the tension or responsibility of monogamous sex for my last boyfriend was making him more neurotic than if he had never had it with me to begin with. Physically, yeah, he got to release and got to be passionate, but emotionally, it just got him more wound up than he was before and in the end made us more distant. Ehhhh...Maybe I'm becoming like he was? Is this a good thing to be (grossed out by sex), or am I heavily and detrimentally influenced by this last relationship?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 February 2010):
 Wow! I got confused. Let me try again.
That guy was either messed up in the head or trying to hurt you. My vote is for option 2. Which makes him even worse.
One of my old saws is that committed trusting relationships come before you add in the sex. I put it this way once, "if you don't know how he will feel about you after sex then you are not ready to have sex with him. Now having said that I know a lot of guys who are con artists in this area. They are very good at convincing you that they are something that they are not.
Now for you. You had what you thought was a complete relationship. You thought that the sex was an important part of it. You got burned. It is only natural that you distrust it now. A period of abstinence is a good idea and healthy. There is no hurry to get bask on that horse. You will be more ready next time because of what you have learned this time.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Original Poster again here.
You see, I was saying in my original post that I have always liked sex. I do not feel guilty about it. I do not have a bad relationship with it. It is only recently after this last relationship where I have felt this way, because this guy and I had some kind of amazing thing going, but it all amounted to nothing at the end. And I guess hearing him talk about it, and I guess seeing the way he thought about it, and I guess hearing him talk about the reality of sex for men at least---how it has nothing to do with emotions and how he didn't believe it actually helped people get closer...how he told me that he wanted to sleep with me when we met and how later he told me he thought sex was gross. It's just this combination of things. I guess it's hard to explain, but when you love someone and they basically say that they could screw you even if they didn't feel anything for you (tell you this after your sexual relationship has ended)...I understand that, but I guess I'm grossed out because I still loved him after he fell out of love with me and continued to screw me for a very short time. In short, I'm grossed out by how some people are ruled by their crotches, and how that alone will bring some people together who probably shouldn't be together.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 February 2010):
I've got to agree that the title was a bad pick. But, it did get my attention. There are 2 things you said that felt wrong to me. First you said that it doesn't feel right to sleep with someone. And secondly you said that physical intimacy doesn't bring people closer in a helpful way. I haven't found those to be true.
Many men can't be truly bonded without sex. On the other hand if the sexual act makes you feel guilty, you can not be happy in a relationship that involves it.
You have been sexually active for over 10 years now and it hasn't got you to where you want to be. If for 10 years you have felt bad every time you slept with a man, of course you will resent it, and him too. That resentment will begin to show eventually. Eventually even the thickest guy will stat to feel it.
It seems to me that your relationship with sex is the part that is broken. Your description of your connection to your last serious relationship sounds very healthy.
I think you should explore more your feelings about sex and see where they come from. See if there is anything you can do to improve them. I'm sorry to say that you will not likely find a long term partner who is interested in a sexless relationship.
FA
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (10 February 2010):
Is this a good thing to be (grossed out by sex), or am I heavily and detrimentally influenced by this last relationship?
NO this is NOT healthy- people deserve to be in healthy robust sexual relationships. You need to work on this for YOURSELF as well as finding a good, giving lover.
If this is a result of this last relationship, who knows... my suggesting is invest in yourself and get to a good therapist that can help you unravel this thing... sex is meant to be enjoyed and bonded to our lovers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): I am sorry to try to change the title after this question has been posted, but I didn't write this title. I did post the question, but no where in the question did I say I want to turn 'vanilla.' Vanilla implies having sex--good 'ol fashioned sex with about two to three different positions or something, which really has nothing to with my question. I'm talking about being grossed out by sex and not talking about how I want to change the style of my sex life...hopefully the readers of the question will get this?
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (10 February 2010):
 Ok, I may be only 26 but sometimes I feel so out of touch with reality....what's it mean to turn vanilla?
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